To want to start again sometimes?

[YappityYapYap]

Hi. I haven't bothered to name change as I'm not really bothered if anyone knows it's me!

Tonight and some other times to be honest, I wish I could just start again at being a mum. I have a 3 year old DS and he is the love my life for sure. I just feel like I could have done/been doing better for him. I work because I have to basically and have done since he was 7 months old (when maternity leave was over). I worked full time before maternity leave, I now work part time 25 hours a week. It's a stressful job and even though it's only 25 hours, it actually takes up way more of my time mentally if you know what I mean. I look forward to my days off with DS but I seem to always be so bloody tired that we don't actually get those days I planned for us and just seem to play, go to the shop, the usual really.

Between the two of us, we've been ill for weeks. Him first, then me, then him. Luckily DH hasn't gotten ill.

I'm just so tired and I feel like I'm letting DS down. Today for example, he was not well and I was due to start work when DH got home from his work and DS was sick right before I needed to leave and I had to go and leave him after cleaning him up and a quick cuddle. I felt awful to be honest and I'm sat here tonight feeling so guilty. I'm thinking about how I gave breastfeeding a go for all of 3 weeks then gave up as it was too sore, how I could have just been with him more and done more with him.

For more context, my DS is non verbal. We don't know why or if he has ASC but he is being assessed and is doing speech therapy. I just feel like it's all my fault and like I didn't try hard enough, spent too much time on work or just being in a haze that I didn't do enough.

My issue at the moment is that I can't for the life of me get myself organised in the bloody morning! I'm up early, DS has been sleeping a little longer due to being ill and I have no issues getting the house tidied and stuff and DS all organised but see when it comes to me? I just can't be bothered. I'm dropping DS to playgroup with a hat on because I haven't bothered drying my hair or anything. What is wrong with me? Is it post flu blues or am I actually depressed or something? I literally have it in my head that I'm a terrible mum even though everyone around me says how much I do and how I handle everything so well.

Have any of you felt like this? Is it being overwhelmed with the time of year and the amount of stuff needing done do you think? Have you ever had a day or a period of time that you've thought 'I want to go back in time and do things differently for the sake of my child?'

I have 2 weeks off coming up and all I keep thinking and talking about is how I'll get so much time with DS and we'll really go for it with the speech therapy things I've learned and he will get all my focus. I wonder what it would be like if he always got all my focus. Would he talk now and would I feel like a success? I honestly don't think there's a bigger success than being able to sit down at night and say to yourself that you're a great parent, I would love that feeling.

DS is in a very happy home with me and DH and never wants for anything including emotional needs as I'm very close with him and show him lots of affection and love and so does DH but have we done enough?

You love him very much and demonstrate that to him and that is the most important thing you can do. As long as that doesn't go by the wayside you are doing brilliantly. You are a caring, loving mum - that's what's needed. You sound overwhelmed by everything else, and we all feel like that sometimes. It can be very hard to get perspective with all the noise of life going on. The stress of Christmas, illness, work and so are getting to you. I find writing lists helps me enormously, as I keep on top of things more easily - otherwise I forget everything! But also, some things really don't matter - don't sweat the small stuff. It really, really doesn't matter if you haven't dried your hair - hell, you washed it, congratulations! Just keep loving your DS and keep moving forward - don't worry about the past. He wouldn't change you for all the tea in China.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. No one and I mean no one, congratulates themselves on what great parents they are, parenting is full of guilt and worry and wondering if you’ve done the right thing and generally feeling shit about your choices. You did what you had to do work-wise and it’s sounds like he comes from a very loving home. Try and focus on the positives and enjoy your time together.

Aww thank you both! This is what I needed to hear. I am definitely starting the list thing tomorrow morning. It feels more manageable having a list I imagine so that makes sense. I must admit that it has been since I had the flu and it nearing Christmas that these feelings have gotten the better of me. 50 odd presents to wrap (large family), cards to write, work is non stop and I'm also doing the hanen programme for my DS's speech but I enjoy that, it's therapeutic and gives me a good feeling as it helps my DS.

It's guilt for sure, it's eating me up from the inside out. I just want things to stop for a moment and enjoy my son. He will be my only child as we can't have more. DH is a great help to me, a good husband and father so that helps but he's blokey and doesn't understand this guilt I feel so I keep it to myself. Do you ever just feel like you need someone now and then to come and give you a big massive cuddle, give you a pep talk and then you'll be on your way feeling more positive. I don't have my little one telling me he loves me or anything or even saying thank you. It's tough but it's not about me is it? I need to be the parent here and be together for him. I just need these 2 weeks off to come quickly!