To not arrange to meet up with dad at Christmas

[Mammylamb]

We live 100 miles from my dad. We were estranged for 5 years but have been back in touch for about 8 years.

He arranges to visit me but always cancels last minute (including on the day my son was born: he didn’t visit until weeks later)

He’s canceled coming to visit twice this year and even when we agreed to meet up local to him this year

I’m off home at the weekend, but he’s not been in touch.

I’ve not arranged to meet him, but I’m feeling guilty. Whenever I meet up with him I feel like the bad guy

Anyone else have similar issue?

How does he make you feel like the bad guy? Because he cancels on you?

Because he always has an excuse such as “my wife has the cold” or “I need to go to the GP” or “I’ve been invited to a weekend away” or “the cars broken down”

A few years ago , he complained that it felt like he “had to make an appointment to come and see his own daughter”. The reason was that I was trying to arrange a date in advance for him to come up. He wanted to just come up when it suited him, with no thoughts about any plans We has already made. So I would suggest dates and he would agree a date. And then cancel (often calling me at the time he was supposed to arrive.

He didn’t say this directly to me: he complained to his partner who complained to my husband.

He always makes out that he is hard done by. I remember him making out how poor he was that he couldn’t afford a gift for my brothers first baby: I mentioned how sad I was for him to my husband. My husband is not the judgey type but pointed out that my dad has just bought 200 cigarettes so couldn’t be that skint.

He sounds incredibly flakey, I’m not sure you actually owe him anything

You could send him a vague message like; " Am up your way at the weekend. Be good to catch up sometime?" Then it's up to him to respond and arrange a convenient time to see you.

Frankly he sounds like a pain in the arse who only wants things on his terms and sulks when he doesn't get his way. I'd be inclined to ignore.

You know he was lying about not being able to afford a present. And of course he’s lying about all those last-minute excuses. I’ve experience of a man like this. He is a deadbeat. Don’t blame yourself. He is in the wrong.

Azcr

No parent should make a dc feel like the bad guy for no good reason.
He doesn't sound particularly invested in having a relationship with you.
Perhaps do less running and see what happens. He's messing you about.

I'd text him as I was returning home saying I hoped he had a good Christmas. I'd mention I was in the area but didn't have the time to see him due to other commitments. I suspect it's his wife who doesn't want to see you & is the reason for his pathetic excuses.

Hi Pretty. It’s not his wife that’s the problem. Since he and my mum divorced he’s had 2 wives (both deceased) and currently has a partner. His first wife and I didn’t get on (he left my mum for her) but his second wife did really like us: and I think she was the reason we actually did see him sometimes as she wanted to see us