To think abusers cannot change?

[Lemonysnicketts]

My friend was in an abusive relationship for a long time, they have children. She left the relationship, moved away, and it was very ugly and messy whilst she kept herself and her children safe. He was a nightmare all this time - years of battles in court etc. It was a very emotionally abusive relationship, I would say he is a narcissist, and by the time she left him she had absolutely no self esteem left. He was both physically and emotionally abusive. On separating he quickly got together with a new woman.

This was some years ago, but recently she has started seeing him again, he split up with his partner a few months ago.

Firstly, I’m not going to interfere as I know that’s the quickest way to ensure she pushes me away and then I can’t keep an eye on her, but I’m worried. She says he’s changed, had counselling, apologised even which was a big surprise.

Being a cynic and having been in an abusive relationship in the distant past, I don’t believe people like this man do change. So AIBU, or realistic?

Even if he stops being physically abusive he will continue to be emotionally abusive. It is difficult to change an adult's personality once they mature. I live next to someone who has stopped being physically abusive but he is still emotionally abusive to his partner and family members.

Also I know and have known emotionally abusive women. They just find a new target for their behaviour when their current target gets away from them.

Even if a perpetrator and victim goes through intensive counselling/freedom programme etc, it is recommended that they don't get back into a relationship with the person that they abused, because they will both fall back into their old patterns of behaviour.

But he won't have changed. She's going to be right back there.

Nope. They're really good at pretending to have changed for long enough to convince their target to get involved with them again. Before they become even more abusive than before.

There are people who have changed but there are many many many more who haven't and with children involved (or even without to be honest) it wouldn't be a bet I'd be willing to risk making.

She'll want to believe it... And no doubt he'll come over all sincere.... Etc etc....

He won't have changed...

I don't think they ever change. My abusive ex is in another relationship and from what I hear from my DC nothing has changed although he has probably become better at putting on a good act. I feel sorry for his partner but she's not going to listen to me. I only want to offer her support. I feel like she feels she probably can't leave, just like I did.

No he won't have changed. It will come out sooner or later. Is he still with the woman he got together with after the split?

I think you're right to be worried.

It will only last long enough to reel her back in (sounds like he already has) then his mask will slip again.

You sound wise not to say anything now,. She WILL need you again when the sh*t hits the fan. You sound like a good friend.

I dont think so, no. My sister escaped her exh last year who was mentally, emotionally, physically, financially abusive. He was fucking awful. He's was with his new girlfriend less than a year before she called the police.

Thanks guys, you’ve confirmed what I’m thinking. I think she’s allowed him back through loneliness and wanting to be a family again. I’m just sad that after the lengths she went to in order to get away last time, including an injunction, that she’s allowed him back and not only back, but into the new life she has built in a new area. I can see the barriers going up between us already because she knows I know everything, and it worries me. I’ve not said anything negative at all, just said it’s great he’s had help and made the right noises. But I’m worried, for her and for the kids who have already seen too much in the past.