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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use the opinion of dead people

24 replies

Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2019 08:04

to affect behaviour?

Along the lines of, "Oh don't say that. Auntie Clare wouldn't have liked it. It would really upset her."

"I think your mother would have preferred it if you didn't do that."

"Don't swear. Grandma would be really upset."

OP posts:
Original poster
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2019 08:04

I mean it's pretty daft.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 18/12/2019 08:05

It’s not nice no.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 18/12/2019 08:05

It's a cowardly way of saying "I don't want you to do that", as the speaker is placing the disapproval with someone else.

DumbFlagScum · 18/12/2019 08:05

Oh my dad used to do that. Just makes you really guilty. I won't be doing it!

dudsville · 18/12/2019 08:06

Someone you know does this? I agree it's weird. Unless maybe the person believes in ghosts?

MiniGuinness · 18/12/2019 08:06

Yes daft. I think it is good to be respectful, but it should not affect life in that way. Granny wouldn’t have wanted that.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 18/12/2019 08:07

It's just a way to manipulate someone.

Someone tried that with me once.
I told them that as a decaying corpse I think they have other things to concern themselves with.

FenellaMaxwell · 18/12/2019 08:09

What on earth for? Also, surely the standard response is “I doubt they’d care, seeing as they’re dead.”

PurpleDaisies · 18/12/2019 08:09

It’s pretty pathetic to have to rely on that as a behaviour management technique. It doesn’t matter whether the people are dead or not.

Why aren’t you able to say “I don’t like that behaviour”?

Fanlights · 18/12/2019 08:10

It makes as much sense as the nuns telling us in the 80s that the Virgin Mary would blush if we sat with our legs crossed. And is probably about as effective.

Cyberworrier · 18/12/2019 08:10

Gosh, my parents and I sort of do this- but more “Granny would have loved this” or “what do you think grandpa would have thought of this.”. Never as a reprimand. Who and why? What is the context?

Original poster
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2019 08:11

That is what I thought. You don't like it, say so. Don't use dead people to manipulate.

OP posts:
NobJobWinker · 18/12/2019 08:13

As an occasional comment that is very relevant to the deceased person's opinions YANBU

As an everyday tool for parenting YABU

Original poster
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2019 08:22

@Cyberworrier that's different. That's fond remembering.

Its to do with ds1 swearing.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 18/12/2019 08:22

Is it you saying this?

StCharlotte · 18/12/2019 08:23

I worked in a firm of solicitors where the office manager would claim "the partners have said..." "or the partners would prefer..." I had a word with the partners at a social and needless to say they knew nothing about any of it. It was all her. She should have used dead people!

Original poster
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2019 08:26

@PurpleDaisies no. It's another relative saying this.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 18/12/2019 08:40

Triangulation but with dead people! I guess implicit in it is that if you go "Oh I don't know, I remember that time auntie Claire dropped the turkey taking it out the oven, she was obviously no stranger to the occasional f-bomb" they will be extremely hacked off with you, that's the problem.

WeeDangerousSpike · 18/12/2019 12:12

It makes no sense whatsoever quite frankly. Just like if granny was alive but somewhere else. Yes don't swear in front of her, but if she can't bloody hear it she's not going to be upset is she!?

I get this is a 'she's a watching over you and can hear you' scenario, and people are entitled to that opinion. But it's not a tactic that's going to work on a person that doesn't share the same belief, and if they did they wouldn't be doing it in the first place!

Surely, 'please don't swear, especially in front of me, I don't like it' would be more effective? And then next time 'I've told you I don't like that, don't do it', with increasing firmness?

Almost everyone swears, I obviously don't know if your DS is 3 or 23, and that's a factor too, but it's about appropriateness of situation and company surely?

WeeDangerousSpike · 18/12/2019 12:14

Actually, you know what? I think it's more than just cowardly. If DS1 knew these deceased relatives, surely he should be allowed to keep the pleasant memories he has rather than tarnishing them with this repetitive feeling of guilt and disapproval? It's really not fair at all.

Bibby26 · 18/12/2019 15:39

Blimey Ive just realised I do this to myself!

Stay in touch with my fathers awful side of the family because it’s what he would have wanted and I don’t want to disappoint him

How will he know?!

TheNamesBond · 18/12/2019 15:59

People use dead people’s advice all the time.

Jesus for example... he gave out a lot of advice.
Or Heidigger.
Or Aristotle.

What’s wrong with Auntie Claire’s advice... is it that’s she’s not a hard hitter among the dead white European males or dead male prophets from the Levant?

KrampusTime · 18/12/2019 16:15

Bet it's MIL.

sqirrelfriends · 18/12/2019 19:28

I hate it and usually reply with "well it's a good job they're not here then."

But then I'm a dick, so...

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