Autistic daughter ' not sure who she is'

[reflectivebubble]

I'm not sure what I'm
Even asking but she is eleven and has told
Me
That she is not sure who she is. She does not like anything feminine she said. She says she only like' boys clothes, sports, clothes, video games , toys ' and likes the company of boys. My daughter has autism and from reading on here, I believe that many children/ teens with autism also are not sure of their identity. I'm
Not sure if she is talking about her sexual identity but she says that she isn't attracted to boys or girls . She says she is confused about who she is. I believe that this is stressing her. I explained that regardless of ' who she is' we adore and accept her unconditionally and that she doesn't need to put herself in a specific box if she doesn't want to. Am I doing the right thing here. Please guide Me.Is it unreasonable to think she is having a gender identity crisis?
Thanks for
Reading z

Its perfectly normal to be unsure of who you are 🤷‍♀️ my son prefers the company of girls has long hair doesnt want to BE one it's just where he likes to be

I went through something similar (I have Aspergers', wasn't diagnosed until 12). I understand you're feeling concerned and it's great that you're focused on her well-being.

I've found attractions change, come and go. Being the age she is, she might believe that attraction to someone means being physically attracted to them - which you and I would know is not always the case, especially when you have processing issues. When I was younger, I had strong feelings of love for people without wanting to be sexual with them. Maybe she has experienced something like this?

You're doing and saying the right thing. Give her as much acceptance and reassurance as you can. If you're worried about gender identity concerns, is there anyone she can speak to? Your GP, or someone through school?

I hope what I've said makes sense, and I wish you and your daughter the best.

She's getting to the age developmentally when everyone starts to form their own identity. There are often issues with sense of self in autism.
I wouldn't call it a gender identity crisis. I am autistic and as we tend to see things in concrete terms, we might be more likely to think liking "boys'" clothes/games etc make us male, rather than are just a preference that have no bearing on our sex.

I think it’s pretty normal to not know who you are at that age...she really doesn’t need to feel under pressure to have it figured out at 11!

I have Aspergers myself and adolescence/the teen years were difficult, so I do sympathise.

I don't think there is a need to jump to the gender aspect - her uncertainty is probably much deeper/more broadranging than that, and I worry that gender is too easy a "peg" for some people to hang their child's uncertainties on.

She doesn't know who she is or what she is about because she is an 11 year old with autism. It's bad enough for 11 year old girls WITHOUT autism! She maybe doesn't fit in with the girly girls in her class because of her autism, and finds boys easier to deal with (my dd is the same age and some of the girls are very Queen Bee, which is very confusing - the boys are far more "normal" to her), her body is changing and everything is weird. I'm not surprised she is confused!

Reassure her it is natural to be a bit WTF? at this age, and that she is still HER, just as much as she was when she was 8, and just as much as she will be when she is a big grown up girl of 14 (14 is about as ancient as my dds can imagine being!). All these changes are natural and reasonable and don't make her any less [insert name her].

Don't suggest the gender thing to her because she may well latch onto it. If boys make more sense to her right now because they are less complicated than the girls, it might seem like an "answer", except it's vanishingly unlikely that it is. Girls with autism are far more likely to worry about their gender identity than girls without, which should tip you off that this uncertainty is related to her autism, not her gender (a red herring), and early puberty is especially daunting if you find change a struggle. I think we'd all like to reject it as not belonging to us at some point or another!

You sound like a great and very caring Mum.

I dont' have any kind of ASD... neither do DC.

I think if my DD was moaning about me about that stuff I'd say "But you don't HAVE to know. Certainly not yet and maybe not ever. Maybe one day you'll try X and another day Y. Maybe you'll decide if you like one or the other better. But you don't have to know for sure. You can just like what you like & not like what you don't like & it doesn't have to fit into any pattern."

Hello I’m autistic but not diagnosed till 38. What your daughter is going through is completely usual for children with autism. Some girls with autism find they are ‘behind’ their friends in terms of interests and identity... I used to get called ‘immature’ by the hair flicking pretty girls and found I preferred’boys’ company and boyish activities. It’s not a gender crisis, it’s just at that age everyone else is finding their ‘tribe’ and seems to know what their doing. She may always feel a bit ‘left out’ now and then because autistic girls, well, we are constantly working out what we’re meant to be saying/doing.

She is 11.

She does not have to be sure of her sexuality yet because she is not yet sexual at all. She's not attracted to boys or girls because she is still a child. It is okay to tell her that will change as she gets older and it doesn't matter that she doesn't know how that will go yet.

She also doesn't have to like traditionally feminine coded things. It's up to you to explain to her that girls can wear and do and like all the things that she thinks of as male things. She doesn't have to wear skirts or paint her nails or hang out with the girls who like those things. Find her some great female role models - women footballers, women engineers, women who don't dress in feminine ways.

Tell her that she will spend the next ten years or so finding out 'who she is' and that's exciting. She'll try some things and find that they don't really suit her, and she'll try some other things and love them. And eventually she'll find 'her tribe' and feel comfortable and at home with them.

But whatever you do, don't tell her that she's probably a boy. That's not true and it's not going to change her autism or her pre-teen angst or solve anything at all.

Thank you all
So very very
Much . I appreciate the guidance .

My dd was more interested in science, went to chess club etc at 11 but when she hit puberty (late at 14.5) she started to get more interested in "girl" things, by 18 she was interested in dresses and makeup. She's definitely behind age wise of her neurotypical peers, but seems to be developing just slower, she's even got a boyfriend who's also autistic!

My 17yr old DD has just been diagnosed as autistic, this is just one of several issues that she is experiencing.

She has found therapy really useful for her, to understand herself in terms of her autism, to know that her ways of thinking are absolutely fine.

Your daughter is still young, she might find it useful if she could talk to someone with autism experience to help guide her through some of the turbulent teen feelings, through the autism perspective. She doesn't have to "be" anything, but teen years layered with autism might be tricky and some professional help might be really good - I wish we had known years ago and sought help for our daughter then.

old fashioned term "tom boy" a girl who likes to do so-called boy things & isn't feminine so she may or may not be gay/straight it doesn't matter trouble is these days people want to put everybody into a set box & tell dc that they are in a specific box - the other term for people within the spectrum is Neuro Diverse which says it all I think. They don't need labels as to which gender they belong. What I would say is many of our (!) d young people take longer to reach their maturity so just let her be free to be her self (mum of young woman with asd & categoric comment people within spectrum are as individual as everybody else but they all have something in common with other people within spectrum - Dr Tony Attwood Australian expert in Autism)

@lifeisgoodagain dd was 17!!! she has aspie boyfriend too - they get each others interest & in many ways they are & will always be young for their age in many ways -but that's fine they are happy.

Back in the day, we'd have said she was a bit of a tomboy. Kids like to label themselves,, unfortunately. They feel the need to belong to a recognised group and be able to put themselves in a box, to feel they fit in with some sort of 'crowd'- goth, emo, geek, nerd etc. I think American programming and social media has caused this to be much more prevalent in the minds of teenagers than it used to be.

@TheClausSeason eeeek you’re over simplifying the struggles of children with real issues. My autism wasn’t diagnosed till I was 38 and I wish I could have been diagnosed earlier so I could of understood my difficulties. I could have prevented a lot of abuse which has made life very difficult.

@ChanChanChan I wish all the best to your DD xxx she’s got a lovely mum xxxx respect

@reflectivebubble look up Dr Tony Attwood he has some great books that will guide you

I think bridge is spot on with the advice.

I am autistic (undiagnosed). I was convinced at 11 that I wanted to be a boy.

With hindsight it was because I hero worshipped my elder brother, hated girly things, wanted to wear trousers etc (but Mum wouldn't let me. Always bought me pink stuff). I preferred to play with boys as the girls weren't friendly and confused me. I liked football and having a kick about with the boys was very simple and they were straightforward.

I honestly thought that I would change into a bit when I grew up and was bitterly disappointed and upset when I eventually realised it couldn't happen.

I also loved playing with dolls and played with them until I was 14.

Now, I don't want to be a man and am a Mum of two lovely autistic kids.

11 is a very confusing time, especially for autistic people. Just say that's it's ok to feel that way and she will find her way when she's older. My dd would want to know when though! I'd have to have a specific time frame on when she'd know and if I said 16 she'd freak out about how far away that was!