To feel upset that I'm never, ever good at anything?

[AvaGrace412]

I have namechanged for this as, frankly, it's embarrassing and I probably sound childish and silly but I just feel so upset at the moment because I am never good at anything. I'm ok at things, but I never ever exell.

As a child I did various types of dance for many years and always did ok in exams but never won competitions and was never selected by my dance school to join their elite squad.

At school I was in the top sets for all subjects but the bottom of the top set, so never received any praise or recognition.

In jobs I'm always 'ok' or 'good' at my job but I never stand out. My workplaces always seem to have someone else doing the same job or similar jobs to me who is amazing and really stands out, and who is labelled the 'star' of the workplace and there is just no living up to them.

For the past year I've been doing a dance type class, and again I'm 'ok' at it but only the excellent participants get any credit or attention or help from the teacher, and selected for demonstrations and things like that. I've made progress on a personal level but if you're not excellent at the dance type then you're just 'there' in a class and no one really takes any notice of you.

AIBU to be upset that I never excel at anything?

Have you considered therapy OP? Before I saw your update I wa going to say - kindly- that it seems to be more about the fact you want validation, praise, positive reinforcement, to feel appreciated, special (for once) and feel worse when you see other people getting what you perceive to be that, and wonder why it can't be you when you try your best and are objectively good at something but it's not 'enough'.

I grew up with the same and we do carry these things with us. Perhaps it could be an option to tackle this from the perspective of it being a pattern of thought you have which can be fixed. Things like CBT can be very helpful!

I always felt the same - I have always been friendly and when discussing how mediocre I felt, my DH always said well you are good at chatting to people and are fun etc etc. Except now I have had a few issues where I have lost my confidence, have a low level anxiety (especially at work) and feel even more shit. As now there is nothing good to say about me......I look awful too!! Yay!

I am also working on myself.....I can get over it.....and I am getting better...it just takes time I suppose.

I remember going to a dance school like that when I was younger- the 'stars' and then everyone else. And, from the outside, telesales looks like the same kind of competitive environment, so two of your main places are places that value being the 'best'. I don't think every hobby and workplace has the same attitude, partly because it's a terrible way to treat people that doesn't work for most people. Maybe another hobby, or dance teacher, might help.

It’s dangerous being the ‘star performer’ at work because that means rather than being good or even great at your job, you are probably doing things that your manager really likes. That is why when there is a change of manager it’s the ‘star performers’ that are managed out first.

I think it’s very silly that this would bother you. Stop comparing yourself to others. I’m sure your family and friends love you for who you are. As an adult no one cares what set you were in or how many exams you got for eg. You will have your own qualities, even if you can’t see them. 💐

Standing out and being noticed won't give you the validation you crave. That can only come from within.
(that's from 15 years of therapy trying to get over my emotionally abusive parents...)

I get it, OP. My mother was (and is) like that. She expected me to be something special and achieve brilliant things. I was at the top of my class, got 'praise and recognition' back then, but that's about it. I cannot say that I achieved anything spectacular afterwards. She sees me as a failure.

But to be honest.. Other than being a grand mistress of bitching, she herself is nothing to sing about. Mediocre job and mediocre life, nothing special (which is exactly what I told her). People in glass houses.. What about your parents' achievements, OP?

Another thing is.. I don't know about you, but people around me also pretty much average. What I mean is, they're lovely people, friendly and nice, rather good at this thing or that, but essentially average (like me), not super-talented super-beings. I suspect the majority of folk are like that?

Think about it like this: you're an adult, your own person, have a life, have a job, earn a living, can dance (I can't dance to save my life) and I'm sure you can do lots of other things too. That's certainly very decent in my book. Don't feel bad!

The current 'superstar' colleague gets given lots of extra help and leads from our boss (we work in telesales) whilst I don't.

She probably seeks lots of that attention out. Watch how she works. When she is given help is it because she is asking for it? I’m guessing so. If you want to be noticed you have to make some noise.

As for the dance class either change class or start redirecting the teacher’s attention back to you. Ask for help with steps or positioning or whatever.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I've tried asking the dance teacher for help but I don't think she likes me very much so doesn't help. I'd like to go to a different class but I really want to do this type of dance and no one else teaches it in our area, sadly.