Note: I'm aware there was a thread created yesterday about somebody having found out about their pregnancy late and an unsupportive partner etc... just wanted to say that wasn't me. I'd actually commented on there in hopes of relating to somebody, but it looks like the thread is now long gone. (A bit gutted).
Sorry in advance for this being a long one, it's not something I've been able to discuss fully with anyone. Also changed a couple of details to make it less outing.
I escaped an incredibly abusive ExP earlier this year. A relationship that got progressively more controlling and abusive as time went on. By the end of it, I was a shell of the person I once was. I'd worked so hard to pick this person up and drag them out of this dark place, all whilst they broke me bit by bit.
I've never spoken openly about all of the abuse, but it was horrendous. He used coercive control, was emotionally abusive and incredibly manipulative. Isolated me from everybody who offered any support, whilst simultaneously making me feel horrible for even wanting these friendships/relationships with family members. He played games with my emotions, often reeling me in and then being brutal in rejection (not me being precious - It was cold and calculated, with the intention to hurt). He was financially abusive, wouldn't work put applied immense pressure for me to financially support us both. I was also expected to support an 'occasional' weed habit that was soon outed as a dependency, with horrible consequences for me if he ever wasn't able to get his fix. He'd spend money I hadn't even earned yet, throw us into debt and then blackmail me with the consequences of what would happen to him if he didn't pay up. (Just to be clear - not something I would ever offer to support or offer money towards, he just managed to control the situation and I'd be responsible for 'this person coming after him' unless I foot the bill). If he ever didn't get his fix, the consequences and environment for me were awful. I was scared and just mentally/emotionally left in tatters.
I got manipulated into practically living with him, with every instance of seeing friends/family/just visiting home being met with a stream of abuse and more manipulation. There was sexual abuse, stemming from his issues with jealousy. I was punished for having previous sexual partners, and my loyalty was questioned constantly. Things had just started to turn physical near the end, and that was when I knew I needed out.
It goes without saying - I'm mortified I stayed that long. I tried again and again to fix something that was poisonous. That man was absolutely evil, and I wholeheartedly wish I'd seen it when it was infront of me. I don't know where the strength came from, but I left and cut all contact. It was dramatic and 'fled' is probably a better word, but I escaped, albeit feeling like a very broken girl.
I've done the freedom program and had some counselling for the PTSD he left me with. I ultimately managed to rebuild my life, and regain some of the person I was before.
Now this is the part I need advice on..... I found out that I was expecting at 27 weeks. I had no idea, no symptoms, no indication... Nothing. It is 100% his. He currently has no idea that I'm pregnant, and my AIBU is whether or not I should keep it that way?
It was a major shock to say the least. I thought I'd escaped him, and then to find out this had me absolutely hysterical for an entire week (understatement). I can't even sit here and tell you that this baby was convinced consensually. I've very much put on a brave face - this is happening and I needed to step up and prepare to be the best mother I could possibly be. I'll give it my all, without question. Also worth noting that I have exceptional family support, so we'll make it work regardless.
But to me this man is evil. I truly thought I'd escaped. I don't feel like I can guarantee my safety with his involvement, and the thought of him having any sort of influence on a child also horrifies me. The involvement of this man or his family would automatically have social services involved. There are other little ones in the family (barely - they've very nearly been removed), and SS are heavily involved.
I'm feel vile for hiding this. I wanted the stereotype, the happily ever after etc... . But it's also my duty to protect this little one, so do I ignore the guilt and give myself a head wobble, and instead just focus on preparing for becoming a mother (baby not here yet, but very very soon).
So my AIBU is....
YABU - He should know.
YANBU - He shouldn't know (for safety/past history/for whatever reason you feel)