Stay or Go?

[Alifewithlittles]

I know that, given the time of year, this post is going to seem very downhearted. But I need objective opinions because I feel like I'm going insane.

Myself and dp have a 3 year old DD and a 3 month old DD, both fantastic kids. Dp, however, not so fantastic. I cannot rely on him to prioritise me or his children, ever. Over the last year, particularly during my pregnancy, he has done countless things which prove he does not value me or our family, and consistently fails to put us first.
He went (voluntarily, he nominated himself) on a work trip to Europe for a week when I was heavily pregnant & working full time with a long commute and our toddler (he put a large overdraft on our account to fund this trip as money was tight from buying new home). He apologised after the fact as he saw how tiring the week was for me, blah blah.

I then discovered shortly after DD2 was born, that he has been in touch with an old weed dealer from his very distant past to obtain and supply to friends who were "stuck". I saw this as I was using his phone and confronted him in the moment. He swings from being apologetic to defensive over this as he was not using. He then left old weed paraphernalia hidden in his headphones case on our kitchen table WHERE MY CHILD EATS AND PLAYS, and I discovered this while tidying up after him, ironically. It was just equipment and clearly not currently in use, but I was very upset.

Then, yesterday, the final straw. I've been suffering from possible postpartum insomnia and obviously feeling very exhausted. I took to the couch the other night and crawled back upstairs at 5am to tell him I needed him to stay home with me as I was on the verge of breaking down from tiredness. He did, until a friend rang and needed a lift, and just like that he was gone again.

I should stress that I have rarely ever seen him smoke anything, certainly not in recent years and he is generally a good father. I can be quite strict about putting the children first and sacrificing many of the things we want in order to give them everything, something which I feel is just normal parenting. We get into terrible arguments these days and they usually start when I feel that he has let me down yet again. I am not perfect and I tend to bring everything back up when we fight and get very angry because the last year cumulatively has hurt me so much.

I am lucky as I have a very kind and generous family living half an hour away from the home we have just bought, so I do have somewhere I can retreat to with my daughters if needs be.

So, stay or go?

He sounds useless. Go

It's so tricky - that first year after having a baby is so hard on relationships. I think you both need to be working at this - at the moment it seems like you are putting in all of the effort, and making the ultimate decision. He needs to be on board with trying to make things work - if he doesn't want to be, then you have your answer. I think you need to have a serious talk with him - give him the opportunity to make some changes, rather than present him with a fait accompli.

I understand that a new baby brings many challenges and can heighten any tension in a relationship. But this is not our first baby. My disappointment is more related to the fact that he cannot seem to judge for himself how his actions will make me feel very hurt and upset.
He also told me he had to go to work for the day when I was 4 days postpartum. I was unable to lift or carry things due to stitches. He did not think for a moment that he ought to (quite easily, as it turned out) reschedule the lunch he had planned with his work buddies. He gave me hell for asking him not to be gone for longer than a couple of hours as I couldn't manage both children physically by myself at that point. He still went for those few hours. In the end it turned out that he also had something else he needed to take care of while out that day, related to the supplying I mentioned in my first post. Just very disappointing all round, and I feel very let down. I also feel like I am letting my children down by putting up with it.

4 days pp?! For a fun lunch and to sort some weed. That is unforgivable imo. He does not sound like he is adjusting to the new baby at all.

From a pragmatic perspective though, is he of some help? Because I would not want to be on my own with a 3 month old. You can plan to leave without leaving straight away if you see what I mean.

Have you had a good conversation about these issues, the fact that he isn't prioritising you? I think the weed is a bit of a red herring if I'm honest.

No way. Time to get the ducks in a row.

Obtain and supply? Call it what it really is - drug dealing.

Go.

Stay or go is a very final way of looking at it - is there more to it or could you tell him how seriously you’re considering ending the relationship? He might be completely oblivious to the fact that he’s being a bit rubbish and need a kick up the arse.

He is very aware of my feelings on things. He will just come home from work and act like nothing ever happened. We seem to be in this loop where he demonstrates complete disregard for us, then I explain why his actions are hurtful, there is a huge row, he apologises and then he does (or I discover) something else. My main problem is that I can't spend the rest of my life in this cycle. Every time he does something utterly crap, I'm left feeling very down and upset which naturally impacts my mood around my children. Because of that, part of me thinks I should really just be able to have the row and move on.
We spent 3 hours looking for his passport on the morning of that work trip, because he hadn't bothered to pack in advance. Then he accused me of hiding it because I didn't want him to go. I was disappointed in him for going but I most certainly would not hide his passport and have him leave his manager high and dry at the airport for God's sake. I ended up just packing up my (heavily pregnant) self and my 3 yo bags and going back to my mother's for the week and let him make his own way to the airport. That is the only time I have ever really put my foot down.

I'd be tempted to move him out for a week or so to see if it shocks him into changing his behaviour.

He sounds like an arse.

Life's too fucking short for this sort of shit.
Get rid.
Sorry to sound dismissive, it must be agonising for you and I don't want to minimise. But clarity is important.

He sounds a bit slack but maybe ask him for some tweed for yourself, might help you chill out a bit and do something for your insomnia. Stonned sex is also pretty good. Ha!

I wouldn't be staying with someone who prioritised drugs over his family. Who knows what else he is up to, you only found this out by accident.

It's easy for a stranger on the internet to say leave but I would certainly start putting things in place. I wouldn't leave at Christmas for the 3 year olds sake, I also think a big life changing decision like this shouldn't be made this soon after giving birth, especially if you are suffering from insomnia. My advice is wait until spring and spend these months getting things sorted. Perhaps have one last chat with him about how you are feeling and then he has some time to step up but assuming he doesn't you will be ready to leave.in a few months time.

Well, true to form he kicked off his Christmas party today at 5pm (if not earlier). He was supposed to be home shortly after midnight on the last bus at the latest, as he is minding the newborn & toddler tomorrow from the early a.m. because I have an appointment.

He has not contacted me since 9pm, when he told me he was just waiting on his boss to give him a lift home. It's now 2.30am.

Can you go to your mum's? I'd have left him already, sorry op. He's not going to change. You are the bottom of his priorities and he has demonstrated this over and over.

Sounds a bit slack, but the posters saying he is 'drug dealing' are being a bit overly dramatic. I've not smoked it in almost two decades but still find most nerdy stoners less threatening than the idiots I see stumbling around town drunk. I'd probably still put a good mate in touch with somebody if he called me saying he fancied a cheeky joint and I knew someone who he could meet up with (which I don't).

I understand what you mean DonutMan, and I would have felt the same if he'd just been putting people in touch with each other and leaving it there, but it was much more than that. He was arranging to collect the weed from dealer and meet up with these distant "friends" to give it to them. He was trying to be the oh-so-cool middle man who has all the connections. I saw the texts between him and the dealer, laughing about being on paternity leave again and basically making a mockery of the whole fact that we'd had another child. I was only just home from the hospital.

Oh, that does make it a bit worse. But the 'dealer' is probably just some guy he knows who enjoys a smoke - it's not really that much worse than binge drinking IMO aside from the element of funding crime cartels.

The police don't even bother pursuing recreational users and many countries have legalised it nowadays. It's not for me anymore as I've witnessed it turn people into couch potatoes, but it's a far cry from doing lots of coke, for example (which interestingly is now mainly consumed by professionals in their 30s as opposed to the youth demographic of 20 years ago).

I think it's the fact that he doesn't prioritise you and the DC that is important.

He doesn't sound very nice, OP.

I would go to your mum's if I were you.

I think you know the answer already OP. I can't believe some people are excusing and minimising his behaviour. He has 2 children and a partner FGS, he needs to priorities them and not his mates/weed/whatever else. And yes what he's doing is drug dealing, which is illegal and if caught he can be prosecuted and would have a criminal record. I work closely with the criminal justice system and I've seen countless people in court who were "only the middleman", only sorting out mates with a bit of weed etc.
Whether that's a good use of police and court resources is another matter and I won't go into the whole legalising weed debate, the point is it's illegal at this point in time. Do you really want to have the police searching your house in front of your children? Having to deal with court appearances?

...Bear in mind also that you could have social services on your back if he's caught, and if they find drug paraphernalia in your house it won't look good, even if it's "only" for weed.

I am going to consider my options in the New Year. He has been somewhat helpful over the last week as he has been off work, though any time tension surfaces between us he'll say "I've been doing all the insert child-related task which I do every day in his absence here". He really does think that any effort he puts in means he is allowing me to get off Scott free, as if it works like a see-saw. He is extremely delusional.

He bought me a very expensive handbag for Christmas (an oddly timed purchase considering I am on unpaid maternity leave, also useless as I am operating out of a baby changing bag almost exclusively these days) and I exchanged it for a new hoover. Place is looking great at least!