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AIBU?

To have let MN dictate my future

20 replies

FrivolousPancake · 17/12/2019 13:36

Absolutely not trying to be goady.

I’m early 30s, single mum to an 8 year old and I always assumed I would meet someone and have another child.

MN has completely and utterly changed my mind about that. I date outside the house and have had a pretty long relationship in that time but from my years on MN I have not only become much more wary of introducing anyone to my child but have pretty much decided against entering a blended family/stepdad type thing.

Friends think I’m crazy and sacrificing my happiness but I’m generally happy and fulfilled and from so much I’ve read on here and seen in real life it seems I would be potentially sacrificing that if I didn’t bring someone into our lives-not the other way around.

AIBU (in my own personal circumstances) or should I try change my perspective

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

71 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
27%
You are NOT being unreasonable
73%
Marleyisme · 17/12/2019 13:53

Do what ever makes you happy.

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2019 13:54

The trouble is, people who are in happy blended families tend not to post on here. It’s only the ones with issues.

I’d be wary of making any firm decisions about the future. You never know what could change.

GinDaddy · 17/12/2019 13:55

I think Mumsnet, like many internet boards and online forums, has a larger-than-average set of people who proactively like to take apart situations and offer very critical advice. People don't tend to flood the internet with good reviews or positive news, and so you're going to get people in dilemmas, in situations they didn't envisage, warning people etc.

I would try and take things as you find them and don't lose faith in humanity or good people. My parents are remarried, I am of a blended family, they've been married 30+ years. Sometimes, it just works.

GinDaddy · 17/12/2019 13:55

Ha @PurpleDaisies put it much more succinctly and better than I could ever. Amen.

Starlight39 · 17/12/2019 13:58

I don't think you are BU to do that if it works for you but on the other hand you have to remember that people don't tend to post on MN "I have a blended family and things are great...", they post about the problems.

I am in a similar position to you (although am older!) with a DS and have a DP who is lovely with DS. I'm very protective of DS which DP totally understands. We are TTC and DS has mentioned a few times that he would love a sibling. I see mine and DPs relationship as being a role model for DS. So, maybe don't discount the positives that the right DP could bring to your and your DDs life but at the same time, you're right to be wary. I'd never move DS from our home area for example, even though it would make life so much easier for DP (he has to travel to work). I also (while dating) set a high bar for anyone to be in mine and DS's life. Maybe you can take an open minded stance while dating and don't completely discount the idea yet?

BeatriceTheBeast · 17/12/2019 14:01

Yanbu, but I agree, blended families can work really well. I can think of precisely none IRL though. Always a shit show with hurt all round.

They definitely can work though and it totally depends on the families involved.

FWIW, if DH and I ever divorce, I wouldn't have a live in partner again.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 14:03

Do as you please, but I can't imagine letting mumsnet dictate my life.

BeatriceTheBeast · 17/12/2019 14:06

FWIW, if DH and I ever divorce, I wouldn't have a live in partner again.

This is based on experiences of RL friends and acquaintances, rather than MN though...

If you were up for it before, I wouldn't be swayed by what you read on here, as it's usually the worst case scenarios.

RedLipstickHighHeels · 17/12/2019 14:14

Depends how you want to use mn.its essentially strangers who don’t actually know the machinations of each other choices
Many on mn can be very verbose and strident,esp regard relationships. I suspect in real life they’re not so sassy.The ipad anonymity allows folk to post anything

So no,I’d never let mn or any online forum dictate my choices

If I were to follow mn doctrine my life would be markedly different for example
Marriage mn is strongly pro marriage. I’m unmarried
Family name,all same name. I retained my surname and kids are double barrelled
Financial. No shared monies.no joint account eg Pay our own share for meals

GinDaddy · 17/12/2019 14:26

@BeatriceTheBeast

Thanks for your puerile, snarky crossed out sentences describing blended families.

I just posted above you explaining how ours worked. Is that not "real life" enough for you? Perhaps we should all limit our understanding of things to your narrow sample set of one.

Hmm

BeatriceTheBeast · 17/12/2019 14:38

Thanks for your puerile, snarky crossed out sentences describing blended families.

Sorry if it wasn't clear. But, as I said in my last post, this is based purely on what I've seen IRL. mainly friends who are children in blended families. It's put me off the idea completely, but I accept that I only have those few families to base that opinion on.

I also said they definitely can work though. I mean that and I'm sure yours works beautifully Xmas Smile.

But you know, if you're set on taking the hump with me meh. I'll get over it.

BeatriceTheBeast · 17/12/2019 14:43

I think, for me, it's just a bit of a gamble. You have to work out whether the prospect of the wonderful blended families posted about on this thread is worth the risk of potentially having a less wonderful outcome. Whether it is worth it is entirely down to the individual.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 17/12/2019 14:54

I can see myself being equally wary of dating again if I were to split up with DH. That's one thing MN has pointed out - that the goal shouldn't be to meet Mr Right Mark 2, but to settle yourself comfortably. I used to just assume that the default was to find someone new. I'll tell you something - any new guy would have to be bloody amazing to be worth moving in with!

turningitoff · 17/12/2019 16:15

I think that children and parents often have different perceptions of what works in a blended family

helacells · 17/12/2019 17:11

YANBU. I chose to stay single and raise my DC alone due to all the horror stories I've heard and witnessed in real life. Men are not all that and I never feel like I've missed out. A lot of men are predatory from my experience and I think most women In Relationships put up with shit that I would never tolerate.

MerryDeath · 17/12/2019 17:18

yes being on mumsnet has definitely damaged my faith in humanity, men, in a big way. i ended up here when going through a difficult pregnancy (relationship wise) and it sort of fed my fears and i became strangely addicted to it. it absolutely encapsulates a certain type of person and i totally agree that people who don't spend leisure time doing this sort of thing will have a different outlook. i should quit I'm aware.

rosiejaune · 17/12/2019 18:16

One of the issues with getting a new partner is that some abusive men look for single mothers to get together with, to abuse their children or them or both. So that is one risk you are avoiding.

There'll still be plenty of time after your child leaves home for you to find another partner if you want one. But it's not obligatory anyway; plenty of people are happy being single.

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2019 18:19

Just do what you want, why would you do anything else?

Confuddledtown · 17/12/2019 20:22

I have a blended family, a dd from a previous relationship, a dd with my husband with another on the way. I love our wee family , my DH is an amazing father and step father and we are very much a team in our parenting. I cant imagine our life without him, my dd1 loves him to bits. Blended families can definitely work, it's just finding a compatible match

winniesanderson · 17/12/2019 21:11

I do see where you're coming from. I was a single parent for nearly 7 years and was pretty happy in that time. Sometimes lonely, but I wanted to prioritise my dc and thought introducing someone else into our lives could jeopardise that in some way. There's no guarantee any relationship will work out, and I didn't want to mess my child around. When I was a child my parents separated and both had many new relationships. I don't judge them, but it was hard making relationships with people only to never see them again. Especially when they had children too.

However I did end up meeting somebody by chance. We now (years later) have another child. I can't explain how much joy has come into our lives. He is a wonderful step father to my eldest. Kind, more patient than I, respectful. Im so glad I eventually let my guard down.

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