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AIBU?

To talk to the parents?

90 replies

Namechangearooney1 · 16/12/2019 21:17

DD is 8. Two "friends" are being a bit mean to her - leaving her out, making up silly secrets etc. Basically silly schoolgirl stuff but it's been upsetting her for ages and she's been crying about it today.

She has some other really lovely friends who don't have a mean bone in their bodies. I've told her to play with them instead but she really likes these two for some reason (I've always thought they were a bit nasty but I can't choose her friends).

She wants me to talk to their parents. I know their mums well and I'm quite friendly with them but I feel awkward about it - they're not bullying her, they're just being a bit mean. What do I say?? I really don't want to come across accusatory or confrontational - I just want to nicely ask them to have a word with their daughters.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

125 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
75%
You are NOT being unreasonable
25%
foamrolling · 17/12/2019 06:23

Another vote for talking to the school. They are the ones who are able to objectively observe the girls together and deal with what's happening at playtime. They could also encourage her in other friendship groups. No good will come of talking to the other parents, their children are bound to deny any wrongdoing and they are highly likely to believe their own child over yours.

If it helps at all, I had the same situation with my daughter and 2 other children. It went on - on and off - through the last couple of years of primary school and I was so upset for her and felt so angry with the kids involved. I left it to school to deal with. It all calmed down as they got older and they're actually all good friends now. The main 'mean girl' has matured into a lovely girl who has been a good friend to my daughter.

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Daddylonglegs1965 · 17/12/2019 06:41

Seriously don’t get involved by speaking to parents as it could make things a whole lot worse.
Keep encouraging the other friendships and other interests.

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Daddylonglegs1965 · 17/12/2019 06:46

This happened in DD’s school the last two years of primary and the first year of secondary were absolutely dreadful. If not actual bullying and the school handle it badly as DD’s school always did it could make things a whole lot worse. Better if your DD could learn to move on from any bitchy behaviour as these girls and the quest for popularity as they move into secondary school can be vicious and is really not worth the heartache.

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RubyRed24 · 17/12/2019 07:13

@Namechangearooney1 they said it's just kids and I shouldn't get involved however it's been going on two weeks now.
My DD has been such great friends with either two. They have been here loads separately and even stopped over. Now all of a sudden these two have become friends. It's awful to see and they have been using messenger to send a message to her via my account. They don't care I've seen it all. I never ever allow this kind of behaviour in all the years I've had them, the first (and second) time they are together look what happens.

People that tell you not to get involved. Ok kids arguing happens every day but when it's TWO friends upsetting a FRIEND it's different, are they being mean? Hurtful? Lying? Or are they growing apart?
Sorry I can't remember what I read last night.

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northernknickers · 17/12/2019 07:19

Ahhh I'm wondering if your DD and this 3-some is the one in my class 🤦‍♀️. 'Friends' all through school but oh lord! The constant mean-girl thing is driving me crazy! One parent has mentioned it to me already but I am already completely aware...and speak to them almost daily (at length!!)! It's horrible...but honestly, I'm not sure what more I can do because they insist on 'being friends' 🤷‍♀️ It's not as simple as telling them to stay away from each other/play nicely or whatever...they are like magnets to each other. Best friends one minute/mean girls the next/best friends again 10 minutes later (after the fall out has been dealt with for the millionth time by playground staff!)

No suggestions other than letting it ride out really...I'm sure the teacher is fully aware 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ And honestly...what do you think they can do? The girls are choosing to be 'friends' regardless of the friction. Unless one of them chooses to break away from the friendship it's going to continue.

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FreedomfromPE · 17/12/2019 07:21

Tell her friends don't act that way. Rinse repeat.

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RubyRed24 · 17/12/2019 07:36

The two girl's upsetting my DD are her friends. They only two ages ever had at school for the past 6 years.

If they were just any girls I'd say avoid but my daughter does like these friends.

I think this is the worst but especially when you've socialised out of school with the mums.

I'm very disappointed with the mums as I know I'd be so upset if it was my daughter upsetting others.

I don't know what goes on at school but I do know what the girls are like as I've seen and heard it over the years but now these two have got together it's gotten worse.

My DD is very immature for her age and these two are street wise and nearly a year older than mine.

It's awful sending her to school

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Danni12 · 17/12/2019 07:44

Similar has been happening with my 6 year old and she's found it really upsetting. I spoke to her teacher about it and they are dealing with it, it has made a huge difference. Also I have said there are other nice friends. Is always upsetting you, play with someone else who makes you feel happy.

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Danni12 · 17/12/2019 07:45

This person is always upsetting you, play with someone else

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CherryPavlova · 17/12/2019 08:26

Devils advocate- could it not be that these two are anything but mean?

They choose not to be friends with your daughter (We surely accept people are allowed to choose their own friends). Your daughter is insisting she wants to be their friend and is elbowing her way in where she isn’t wanted. They try any way possible to give her the message but she doesn’t get it. She wants to be their friend and feels entitled to be so because her mummy knows their mummy.
She doesn’t get her own way. They still don’t want her as a friend so she gets upset.
They don’t name call, they don’t pinch, they don’t trip her over. They simply don’t invite her to join them. They don’t tell her all their business.

Why should they have a false friendship forced upon them because your daughter wants it? I don’t invite people I don’t like to supper.

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Blueopal15 · 17/12/2019 08:28

OP children do have to learn to pick their own friends and deal with their own bullies - and learn the wisdom to walk away .... in my own personal experience school were no real help .

It sounds to me that the dynamic has changed - you and your daughter would like it to be the way it used to be - it isn’t - at this age children change and start to become more individual and need a bigger choice of peers to find their type - then they go onto secondary !

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Whattodoabout · 17/12/2019 08:30

Have a chat with the teacher.

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/12/2019 08:57

If you thought the girls were generally really nice and this was new behaviour for them or there was one bug specific incident where you had reasonable proof I'd speak to the mums.

As is stands, I wouldnt. You dont think the girls are actually nice, what do you thinks going to happen? They will say to their kids 'x's mum has contacted me, they say you're not being nice to x and leaving her out'. The kid will most likely say 'that's not true, I'm nice to her, she always tries to change our game / gets jealous and play with us separately etc' and the mum will of course have to believe her child. If you dont like these friends then they've probably always had these tendencies and realistically, do you think when they are together as a three, they are going to change their behaviour?

I would speak to the teacher as when it crosses into bullying behaviour then they can look out for it. But just wanting to play two of you isn't really bullying (as excluding one child from a larger group woukd be) although its still not very nice.

I'd explain to your daughter that you will speak to the teacher and see what she suggests (eg other groups for her to play with) and review it in a couple of weeks. But that this may stop them being nasty to her but it wont stop them not wanting to play with her, and forcing them to play with her (whether through a chat with the teacher or her mum) wont really work because they wont mean it and they will still be the same people underneath who treat their friends badly as soon as someone they want to play with more comes along.

And as other people suggest I'd try and concentrate on building friendships with other children.

The only way I'd mention it to the mum is if she contacts you to arrange a playdate, I'd reply something like 'oh I didnt think the girls were getting on that well at the moment, my daughter has been a bit upset over a few fall outs recently, has yours not said anything?' And see what she says.

I am actually in a similar situation at the moment, my daughter is only in reception and has got involved in a three and they seem to play nicely when its 1 on 1 but there is one girl who likes the power play of choosing which of the others is 'allowed' to play with her at lunchtime and encourages the other to be nasty to the other. At this age it's more overt things like pushing the 'outcast' over or not letting them sit next to each other, so the teachers have noticed and brought it up at parents evening though were careful not to blame anyone. I havent really done much else as my daughter isn't really upset by it as she has a couple of other friends in other classes and will just go and play with them. But it's so frustrating when she acknowledges that this other girls behaviours 'arent kind' and says she would never do that to a friend but on the other hand always rushes to play with her as soon as she is allowed to because 'she likes her'. I just hope in time she realises that continual bad behaviour means this girl isn't very nice and she can find better friends who make her feel happy

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Namechangearooney1 · 17/12/2019 09:08

They definitely like her as like I said, I get mssgs from their mums saying they want playdates etc. And please let me reassure you I definitely don't want her to let herself be treated like that - I drum it into her all the time! I've asked her what she wants to achieve- yes, they might stop doing it but the fact they act like that at all should make her not want top be friends with them.
And, yes, of course I don't know what she's like at school. I'm not naive/previous enough to think my kids can do no wrong. But every teacher shes ever had only ever tells me how kind she is and that she is the kid who will befriend the shy/new/bullied kid. I really can't see her being mean like they are.

But after all that, I'm pleased to say I think some of this has sunk in because she got up this morning and said she wants to try to talk to them herself. So proud of her.

OP posts:
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billy1966 · 17/12/2019 09:19

@NearlyGranny

Wise advice.

OP, you have a couple of years to go, don't go near the parents.

If necessary, a very quiet word with the teacher to give her the heads up that your little one is a bit sad and you are trying to guide her to play with others.

In this instance I would be very firm with my DD that she needs to make better choices.
She knows the girls are not nice.
She's insisting that she plays with them.
These are the consequences.
You say she's very gentle and quiet but she is not listening to her mother's advice at 8.
So she's not that quiet.

I'm not critising your DD but I'm pointing out that she's old enough to disregard your advice, so she's old enough to accept the consequences.

I have girls and I was firm over the years with telling them not to get involved in drama. Some girls love it.

You need IMO to tell your DD that she needs to move on from girls that are not nice and make better choices.

Also girls change, they mature. In a year those girls might be much nicer. But at the moment, they are not. So she needs to adapt.

This is a part of life.
There could be worse to come so she needs to learn to manage and deal with girls like this.

Wishing you the best. 💐

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