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Is it me or has he stopped making effort

50 replies

Disillusioneddaisy · 16/12/2019 20:50

When my dp and I first got together he was so romantic. Made lots of effort, texts, dates, weekends away. He'd occasionally drop in just 'to see me' and lots of thoughtful get the picture.

Three years on we live together and are engaged but he never seems to make effort like that anymore. Sex life is irregular due to alleged low libido. Hardly instigates dates unless pushed. Would rather spend his time watching series or playing on his xbox than suggest a day out. But he works hard, does a lot around the house and is reliable in that sense. We had a big summer holiday with my dc this year as well as a couple of weekend breaks and a new bathroom this year so I don't know if I'm maybe just expecting too much. But on a day to day basis it just feels like he's stopped making effort or showing romance and love like he did to begin with. Aibu? Is this just how life and relationships get after a while?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 20:58

My dh and I have been together a similar amount of time, we still have dates and go out for dinner
It sounds like he's not that bothered


Disillusioneddaisy · 16/12/2019 21:02

It sort of feels like he's not bothered too especially given how he was in the beginning. I know life gets in the way and the hum drum can take over but I'd like it if he could do more

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 21:08

Have you planned any dates? Might give him the idea


CakeandCustard28 · 16/12/2019 21:11

I think it’s just men in general. My DH used to make loads of effort when we first got together now I’m lucky if he puts his boxers in the laundry basket but we’ve been together for over a decade. Have a chat with him and ask him why maybe.


Muminneedofadvicelol · 16/12/2019 21:11

I'm in this situation too after 3.5 years. I feel the same as you. Started off hot and heavy. We have a baby. Now everything is like you describe. I've been feeling so low and I spoke to him about it and he apologised. He said it's because we're so busy at the moment because we've just moved into our new home.

Maybe try speaking to him. Tell him how you feel? Sometimes men don't think like us women do lol. He's maybe just comfortable and settled.


Disillusioneddaisy · 16/12/2019 21:12

I've tried talking and in his defence he will usually book something if I say it's been a while. But would be nice for him to take the initiative. I don't like the feeling of now he's got me he doesn't need to try anymore.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/12/2019 21:21

I'd separate for a while to get your thoughts straight, and to see if he's really bothered about you. I've been married nearly 15 years and my DH makes more of an effort than your fiancé.


CakeandCustard28 · 16/12/2019 21:30

Separating is a bit extreme don’t you think? It’s not like OP has said he doesn’t do anything.


Skysblue · 16/12/2019 21:31

Most men do seem to do this. It’s saddening especially as women need chat / romance but I dunno they seem to tick the ‘wife’ box and stop making an effort in some ways. Perhaps you’ve changed in some ways too?

The main thing to keep an eye on is the sex life, maybe explore ways to improve that, if still having regular good sex then things will probably be fine. I wouldn’t judge him too harshly, this is definitely a thing that happens and would almost certainly happen again in a different relationship.

Good luck x


Andysbestadventure · 16/12/2019 21:32

Can I ask do you do anything romantic for him? Do you book dinner datea and invite him? Or are you expecting him to do it all?


UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/12/2019 21:34

Irregular sex life and living in competition with an Xbox. Hell yes I'd go for a trial separation.

How old are you both OP?


Disillusioneddaisy · 16/12/2019 22:53

There is an age gap. He has ten years on me but that's never seemed to matter before now. The sex thing does need addressing but he says low libido so what can I do about that really?

OP posts:

toodlethenoodle · 16/12/2019 22:54

What romantic things do you book for him?


Disillusioneddaisy · 16/12/2019 22:56

Ideally didn't want to go down the separation route, he is a good man and treats me and dc well overall things have just got a bit stale

OP posts:

KellyHall · 16/12/2019 22:57

Having been in the same situation, and let it go on too long, I'd say have a serious talk about your future and whether it involves being together.
I've recently made a rota for our weeks which includes days we have no phones or tv. Some people do want/need less sex but communication is absolutely paramount. Maybe you could do a rota that also includes date nights?


NoSauce · 16/12/2019 23:03

What do you do in the romantic department?


Disillusioneddaisy · 17/12/2019 06:52

*What romantic things do you do for him?
He earns roughly 4 x more than me and I don't have a lot of disposable income so it's hard for me to plan and pay for expensive meals and nights away. Having said that I did save up so I could take him away on his birthday this year. On a day to day basis I feel like I'm still romantic and affectionate. I'll text him during the day just to say hi and see how his day is going. I prioritise him. But maybe I have let things slide a little bit too. Sometimes when you feel like someone isn't making the effort it puts you in the frame of mind where you don't want to either. I have tried talking to him and while he'll listen and make a token gesture of booking us a meal, things tend to go back to normal afterwards. I just think it's still relatively early days and I shouldn't be feeling like this.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 17/12/2019 07:23

Is he kind and loving? Would he make you a cup of tea and bring it up to you in bed? Would he bring the heavy shopping bags in from the car? Would he go out and get you some painkillers if you had a headache?

DH isn’t overly romantic but neither am I. But he would do absolutely anything he could to make me happy or my life easier.

I think you’re too concerned with things that are pretty artificial in the grand scheme of things OP, as much as they’re nice they aren’t essential to a loving relationship.


Disillusioneddaisy · 17/12/2019 07:53

@NoSauce yes in fairness to him he would do all of those things. He is loving and affectionate. And if I needed anything he would go out of his way to help me. He is a decent man overall.

I know that real life isn't always great romance and nights out. I just feel like the person he was at the start is very different to who he is now. And yes while I accept we all get 'settled' after a while in a relationship I still would like to feel like he's making a bit of an effort to impress or make me happy. Like he still desires me. It has only been three years and we're not married yet - I guess I don't want to set myself up for a life of feeling unfulfilled.

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 17/12/2019 08:01

I'd focus on the libido issue - what is that about? Is he using pornography?


golfbuggy · 17/12/2019 08:02

Do you (both of you) understand what the other considers to be demonstrating "love"?

It sounds like you consider gifts/grand gestures/nights out to be the main way that he shows he cares. Does he know that this is what you want, or does he actually who love in other ways that you are not noticing? However you don't do this yourself - you show your love through messages and showing general interest in him. Does he think this is you showing you love him, or does he just find it annoying?

I would find both being whisked away for a romantic meal, and being sent "love" texts during the day both equally annoying. Fortunately DH understands this and knows that making me a cup of tea, rubbing my feet and/or running me a bath are much better ways to show he cares. Do you and your partner understand what each other wants?


dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2019 08:12

In all honesty after just 3 years that does sound a bit depressing OP. I do think it happens to everyone to an extent but you'd like to hope it took a bit longer than that to get to this stage.

Are you in love with him?

It seems dramatic to up and leave obviously but compared to three years, forever is a long time, 10 is a long time even. I think I'd be looking to sit down for a proper conversation about this/my needs/how his age realistically might be an issue after all and how to overcome that. If you need him to make more effort than he does and you communicate that and he just doesn't bother then I'd consider again whether I felt I deserved more.


Disillusioneddaisy · 17/12/2019 08:21

I genuinely don't just see gifts and dates as a reflection of love. But come on, it is nice to be spoilt occasionally. Just to know that someone has put the time and thought into planning something designed to be enjoyable. A break from the norm instead of laying around the house scratching your arse all day! I do realise this can't be a weekly or even monthly thing and I don't expect that. But just some glimmer of how he was in the beginning would be nice.

The libido thing is also a massive issue. He claims he has low libido. He has been to the doctors. No health issues. Prescribed viagra but that doesn't increase desire. So as he hasn't been in the mood for a long time, nothing has happened. And I find that very depressing and hurtful. Not just because I miss the sex and the feeling of being desired but because he's effectively going about his business knowing that I'm fed up and not seeming to care in the slightest. I know he can't help or control his libido and perhaps we're just not compatible in that sense but it's the way he's basically taken sex off the table without really speaking to me properly about it. This plus the lack of effort in other ways is upsetting me.

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 17/12/2019 08:38

What can he realistically do about his low libido though? He's been too the Dr about it. Maybe you do need to accept that sexually you are no longer compatible? Perhaps the 10 year age gap is taking its toll now. Who knows, in 10 years time you might well be where he is now, it's just you aren't there yet.

You say you don't expect treats or grand gestures every month but then you say you've been on a big family holiday and some weekend breaks so you are doing some nice things together.

Maybe he's just going through a difficult time - at work or personally? Maybe his lack of libido is really worrying him because he fears losing you and so he's withdrawing a bit? If you were a man posting you would be told to put in more effort. Do nice things for your partner expecting nothing in return. To take sex off of the agenda for now. Maybe you should try that and see if it takes the pressure off and encourages you both to treat each other differently?

Though I have to say a kind, hard working man who does his fair share at home, makes you tea etc etc sounds great to me.


MiniTheMinx · 17/12/2019 08:48

Has his libido always been low?

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