AIBU to be fed up of this "friend"

[SchoolMumsAreTheWorst]

Sorry this is long... DD is 8. She has a friend (we'll call A).

A and DD have been friends since nursery, but they have always been part of a larger group of 6 girls who always played together.

Since sept DD has been having problems with A. It started with "A only wants to play with B and not me"

Then it was "A says she only wants to play with me and got angry because B wanted to play with us too"

We've also had "A isnt my friend because I played with B and C and she didn't want to play with us so walked off" (A wanted just her and DD to play together and none of the rest of the group)

It's getting really bad now, I noticed dd was quieter and a bit down/clingy last week...it turned out she was sad because A had been mad with her for a week because she spoke to B.

I spoke to her teacher (again) who said she would speak to them and sort it out. DD came home and said teacher said it wasn't nice of her to leave A out (even though she is invited to play but A refuses as she wants to play 1:1) and made them play together just the 2 of them.

Tonight she is sad again because A told her at lunch she wasn't her friend anymore she is best friends with C.

...if I speak to her teacher again she will just make DD play with A (because A tells her that they're leaving her out)... How can this be their way to solve the problem... basically saying she has to do as A wants.

AIBU to not even bother with the teacher and tell DD to just ignore A now, not to play with her or listen to her when she says shes mad. I can't think of what else to do. :(

I would tell her to ignore . I'm afraid my experience is that girls are difficult in friendships for years. She needs to learn to handle this on her own because it doesn't get easier

YANBU nobody made A the queen of playtime. She sounds like a massive PITA & quite manipulative. Tell DD to be polite but keep her distance. She does not have to obey A's whims.

Just leave them be , you can’t force kids to be friends

Let her fight her own battles. Just tell her she can play with whoever she likes, and it’s not up to A or anyone else!

Girls are always falling out/making up/leaving each other out. I agree it will get worse (my dd is 10 but teenage years are looming!!😱)

You need to just leave this be, your dd needs to learn how to handle it as there will be loads of A's along. We had an A situation at the same age and I did go in as did other parents but our A was actually preventing girls from playing with their friends even though she wasn't involved/playing with any of the groups she was splitting up. She was just ensuring lots of girls were alone and there were threats too. I wouldn't step in at your stage

As mum of a 12 year old dd I can say that this sort of ‘friendship’ issue is all
Too familiar
What I have found most helpful is to encourage dd to recognise frenemies, I found some good books for her to read, and to not put all her eggs in a small basket -
Play with other people, don’t waste time with the frenemies

We’ve found introducing more extra-curricular activities outside of school helps. Other friends, not locked into the playground politics.

Neighbours, cousins & pen pals too. It’s a real comfort to be able to call up these friends when the school ones are going badly.

We just found out yesterday the classes for next year (in Oz). I’m beyond thrilled that my 9yo has been finally split up from the frenemy, I’m so hopeful it will break the spell! Won’t mind seeing a bit less of her mum, too. Acorn rolled straight down the trunk of that particular family tree!

Thanks. She's my first girl so this is all new territory.

I've said she has all these other friends to play with.Schmoozer do you know any names of the books you/she read? She loves reading so they may be helpful. Describing her as a frenemy is a good idea. Thanks.

Yes to introducing the concept of the "frenemy". Teach her to work out if spending time with someone makes her feel good, or bad. If bad, then don't do it. I'm afraid girls that age are exceptionally tricky.

@SchoolMumsAreTheWorst hi, I can’t find specific book titles, but I went to library and found a few and I ordered a book online, I think it really helped dd establish boundaries and make sense of girl relationships at this age

i gather (and recall) that this is just the sort of shit that happens in girls' friendship groups until they grow up

Sounds pretty normal for an 8 year old girl. They seem to be best friends one minute and enemies the next. I think it's just a rite of passage and, as long as there is no bullying or harm going to just let it run its course.

Agree with just reinforcing the idea that if someone makes you feel bad then they are not your friend and the best way to deal with this is to find other friends and ignore them and their poor behaviour.
Also agree with looking up books on this stuff- there are probably loads of ones out there about how to help kids navigate friendships. Probably the most important thing is to encourage her that she's done nothing wrong and that A's behaviour shouldn't mean she has to change her own behaviour. Give her lots of positive reinforcement that she has always been kind and lovely and she shouldn't stop being that way just because an unhappy girl like A is telling her to act in a certain way. If it helps you feel less sad about it- this kind of dynamic is an excellent way to teach kids to stand firm, be confident in who they are and raise their self esteem. She will no doubt face situations like this even as an adult so if she can learn to be kind yet confident in herself then thats great.

Leave them to it..its not nice seeing your dd upset but this is life with girls...believe me you will get yourself all wound up and they will sort it one way or other...