65 yo mum is paranoid

[paranoidmum2]

Hello, my mum 65 yo, has arthritis and is mostly at home. She has distanced herself from most family and friends and she now says she only wants to be around her children and grandchildren.

The problem is that she thinks some of her children want money from her, like a monthly payment. She thinks they send her signs and hints that they want this money. (e.g. 20 cherries on the counter mean they want £20).

My mum confides in me as she knows I'm financially comfortable and have never asked her for money and also that when she has offered me in the money in the past, I have always refused. However, some of my siblings do accept the money which re-enforces in her mind that they want money all the time.

I have managed to get her to the GP twice before to discuss this issue as I'm worried about this paranoia but when it comes to seeing a counsellor, she refuses to go.

This has been going on for over 15 years. I am constantly re-assuring her that no one is leaving signs for her and that she should just stop giving money to anyone, but it's not helping.

Yesterday she accused me of being in cahoots with my siblings, but I have been NC with them for a year, which she knows.

I am so worried that this is a symptom of dementia. Do you think this is worrying?

Do

It may not be a symptom of dementia, but it's certainly a symptom of something! (Although it does sound ominous, to put it mildly). If it's been going on for 15 years, that takes us back to her being 50. I can only suggest that you contact the GP again, repeat that the symptoms are getting worse, and see what else they can recommend. At the very least, if nothing happens immediately, it's on record that concern was expressed.

Is she in any strong medication ? , it could be due to that.

Thanks @twoshedsjackson that is my instinct too. I will book another GP appt.

@VictorianBun , no, she's on not any strong medication. Apart from the arthritis she is quite healthy.

She was sobbing to my husband the other day, asking me and him to speak to my siblings. It really upsets me to see her so upset and I feel so powerless.

Almost certainly not the same thing. My dad started imagining all sorts of things going on. Fell out with just about everyone, seems I was the only one not after something from him. After he died it turned out he had a small tumour between his skull and brain at the part thats supposed to control personality and was probably the cause of the changes. My brother used to say dad needed his head examined, seems he was right.

If she's just started to go like this could it be something as simple as loneliness? Certainly she needs help.

Thanks for sharing that about your dad @BigFatLiar. That resonates as she does her best to push other people away. I will ask the GP about this as a possibility.

She's definitely lonely. We see her either all day Saturday or all day Sunday. My sister goes over about once a month and spends the whole day and stays the night, but I don't think it's enough as she's often alone Monday to Friday and will often say 'I'm lonely'.

Hi @paranoidmum2
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, so very hard to cope with.
I can share my somewhat similar experiences with you, but please, don't feel your lovely mum will necessarily follow suit, just be aware that if there IS something similar going on you are very much not alone.
Sounds very like my mum tbh. Mine went through a decade or so of episodes involving extreme paranoia, - people tunnelling under the house, whispering messages to her etc. Terribly terribly sad. GP care very patchy and inconclusive. She was medicated for this with anti-psychotics but as far as I know, no - one indicated or suggested dementia at the time. She also became also terribly depressed and withdrawn, losing all her confidence and becoming very anxious. This all started in her early sixties. She continued to deteriorate and was finally diagnosed with Alzheimers and vascular dementia around 10 years later.
What could we have done differently? Pushed for better care? A clearer diagnosis? Possibly all of that, but also and probably most importantly, we should have found other people going through the same and made contact to share experiences and get support . Xxx
Sending you love.

Hi @Wilkolampshade

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry about your mum's illness. Is she still with you? Your experience makes me determined to try and get help for my mum. The loss of confidence and withdrawing into herself really resonates too. So sorry your mum and your family went through that. I have no experience of this so it's a very scary prospect. Wishing you love in return xx

Could your mum not go to some older persons club for lunch and bingo ect to keep her company.

You mention that you are nc with your siblings. Is she trying to engineer a way of getting you to speak to them again?

@lisag1969 she used to go to a ladies group once a week but stopped going about 5 years ago. I will try and encourage her to pick it up again.

The other thing is that she finds it hard to make eye contact, which I think is a symptom of depression?

@TellingBone No, definitely not. She has accepted that I don't get on with them and barely mentions them apart from this money issue. I think her paranoia gets worse when my sisters haven't spent time with her.

The weekend before last she asked me to speak to speak my siblings and to stop the hints about money. I said that that would cause massive issues as they would see me as a trouble maker. My sister then called my mum to say she was coming over. Later that evening, I called my mum and she was happier and said it was a good thing I didn't call my sister and that I was right it would have caused a big drama. I said to her that I want her to have good relations with all her children (as she only sees her children and GC I don't want her to fall out with my siblings).

So I think it does stem from feelings of being lonely and feeling abandoned.

If she has been this way for 15 years I wouldn't assume its a symptom of dementia. It could be paranoid personality disorder.
Is there anyone she trusts?

Sounds like it could be psychosis

I would say that she trusts me more than anyone else. She regularly gives me her bank card, has to get cash for her and I am the only one she has trusted to do this for many years now.

The accusation that I am on my siblings side is rare but hurtful (to be clear she doesn’t think I want money for myself, just that I want her to give money to my siblings). I tried to ask her why I would connive against her on behalf of siblings that I am NC with but she didn’t answer.

I will ask the GP about the possibility of paranoid personality disorder.

Hi @paranoidmum2
Thanks for your wishes. Yes, the loss of self, withdrawl and fear was awful to watch. She gradually dropped things like her evening classes, travelling to see grandchildren. Couldn't cope with tasks she had managed her whole life. Tearful and often absolutely terrified. She became full of conspiracy theories, really crazy ones, wrote awful, non-sensical letters to people, went walkabout.... I think by the time the GP did some tests to see how well her memory was functioning she was shockingly beyond the levels where a diagnosis would have been possible. With hindsight, we had all tried to cope much too long without help. Also (and I would hope this isn't always the case) it seemed difficult to get some healthcare professionals to see how bad things were, how unlike her old self she was. She had been, in her day, a highly qualified scientist and the degredation of her intellect was deeply shocking to us. She just drifted away, eventually dying in her early seventies a few years ago.
For a few years at the end she really had no idea who most of us were, even grandchildren, but did sometimes refer to me as 'that nice lady' which was just heartbreaking.
I would just say, whatever your mum has, and I hope to God it's not anything awful, DEMAND that you are both taken seriously and ask ask ask for help. Hold her hand, love her, and look after yourself. X

My mother used to go through phases of paranoia (thinking the neighbour was poisoning her via the ventilation system etc). This was a sign that either her thyroid was overactive or that her medication for an underachiever thyroid needed to be reviewed.