11 year old daughter " in love"

[Emmauk35]

Since day 1 of secondary school, my 11 and half year old daughter developed a crush on a 12 year old boy. They are in the same class. They have been chatting on whatzap for 3 months now and things get a bit intense as in saying I love you forever but nothing alarming in terms of sexting, all quite innocent. At first I was very reluctant to accept the situation but it's her major crush and I wanted to keep the communication open, so I'm playing cool mummy and she shows all the conversations and talk about her feelings for him. They dont go anywhere together or have " dates" . My daughter is quite shy and I was hoping things would have slowed down by now as in her just getting tired of his soppy declarations.
Recently though. he is asking her to hold hands. I told her that she shouldn't do anything that she doesn't want to just because he's asking. She tells me that she is confused about her feelings for him now because she doesn't want to hold hands as she scared But doesn't want to "break up" Part of me feels a big relief that she's thinking it through but I can see that shes getting stressed about it. I said peharps they should just be friends as she is still very young for a boyfriend and holding hands is a big deal. However she's very defensive about my suggestion

I'm just looking for non judgemental advice here, what is the best way to handle this without shutting down the communication between myself and her.

I think you're doing the right thing in just keeping lines of communication open and reassuring her that she doesn't need to hold his hand or do anything else she doesn't want to do.

Realistically kids hold hands with their 'boyfriends' when they're 5 so it's quite cute that they're so innocent at 11 and 12.

Don't tell her she's too young because that's where the rebelling will start. Just keep doing what you're doing and closely monitor the situation.

He'll probably 'dump' her soon if she won't hold his hand.

I know, a just 13 year old who is having sex...

Shocking....

Your daughter is struggling with holding hands, thats a good thing

Be open about your feelings too. Not in a way that gets her back up but that shares with her your concerns and what exactly she should be wary of. ‘It’s a lot of fun having boyfriends and can be very exciting! My only thing I’m worried about is that you’ll feel pressure to do something or act a certain way when you don’t want to. But why don’t you see how you go and if anything feels uncomfortable we can chat about it and you can decide if it’s ok with you or actually not ok’. Make sure it’s her making the choices and realise she has choices rather than you making them for her.

If she's freely talking to you about it you have little to worry about (although I understand your emotions). If you handle it well with a little luck she will continue to trust and confide in you as she gets older.

Thank you all for your reply, I think I'm just anxious for her...it came to my attention that he attempted to hold her hands but she declined and he ignored her for a couple of hours at school. I don't have a son so I'm not sure if that is a normal thing for a 12 year old to do? It's not the first time he hurts her feelings with this kind of behaviour. Arrg, I just want it to end!!

I think it just shows that actually she's too young for this, she isn't ready. I have no problem being strict, my 11 year old doesn't have a phone Ann's there's no way I would allow her to have a"boyfriend's. Your daughter is clearly telling you she's not ready and she needs you to stop it.

OP I think it’s brilliant that she’s so open to discussing this stuff with you, and it’s definitely a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. I had a similar situation when I was 10 except my mum’s view was “don’t have any interactions with boys until you’re 18”. I knew if I told her I had a boyfriend I would get in trouble, so I didn’t tell her and ended up in difficult situations that I had nobody to discuss with.

I think it’s inevitable your daughter will go through crushes, to hand holding, to kissing to more...with potentially a few heartbreaks on the way. Rather than trying to stop it from happening I think you should keep on as you are, just reminding her she always has a choice and should only do what she feels comfortable with. And build her confidence in other areas of life, so that it’s not such a blow when the inevitable break ups come, as she has school work/ hobbies/ friends to fall back on.

he attempted to hold her hands but she declined and he ignored her for a couple of hours at school I don't like this, the whole sulky "do as I want or I withhold attention". I know he is young and immature though, but nevertheless a good opportunity to teach your daughter not to be pressured by a sulking bf?

It's actually a fairly safe way for her to learn about her boundaries and, more importantly, how to defend them. I would be asking gentle questions such as 'and do you think it's ok that he didn't speak to you for hours because you wouldn't hold his hand?' to encourage her to think about what's healthy in a relationship and what most definitely isn't.

That said I agree with PP's, she is too young and I would be watching carefully for anything she can't handle and stepping in straight away if she seems stressed about it all.

If he's sulking when she says no she needs to know that's not ok and she shouldn't put up with that from any boyfriend, at any age.

She needs to find a way to negotiate this herself, you need to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on if needed. I don’t think you either can or should do anything else.