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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to join a dating site so soon?

19 replies

rubyismyworld · 15/12/2019 20:33

Hello,
I split with my fiancée of 6 years on Tuesday. It had been coming for a long time, things weren’t right for a very long time and I’m relieved that it’s over. I was treated badly for a long time and left far later than I should have.
My best friend is trying to get me to create some online dating profiles to try and get me back on the dating scene.
AIBU to think this is a bit disrespectful? Or should I crack on? I would be happy to date again so soon but I’m reluctant because I don’t want to appear uncaring or disrespectful to my ex

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2019 20:36

I would say six days after getting out of a bad long term relationship is a bad time to start online dating. Nothing to do with disrespect. I’d take some time to make sure you don’t get into the same situation again.

SweetSally · 15/12/2019 20:36

I think your friend is trying to find a way to cheer you up.
Nevertheless, you don't need to follow her advice and you should go back on the dating scene when you feel ready (could be next week or after 2 years). It's your life and you decide how to live it. You don't owe anyone a thing.

BlueJava · 15/12/2019 20:37

I think you should wait a while. Not out of respect for your ex, but to give yourself time to think, to feel at peace with the end of the relationship and to mentally "draw breath". Don't allow yourself to be pushed, just take your time and do it when you're ready.

Rezaminelli · 15/12/2019 20:42

Even if a break up has been a long time coming I think both parties naturally need a period of time to adjust. If it doesn't feel right then there's no point in signing up.

If you wanted to rebound/see what's out there, that's different.

Try and have a lovely Christmas, focus on yourself, family and friends and see how you feel in the new year

Original poster

rubyismyworld · 15/12/2019 20:44

Thanks everyone, appreciate your answers. To be honest, I’m not looking for another relationship. I just want to feel admired and ‘chased’ again. I want to have fun!

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 15/12/2019 20:45

God no. Give yourself a break. Love yourself. Learn how brilliant you are. You dont need a man to admire you to feel self worth. I'd say couple month at least before plunging into dating

BeatriceTheBeast · 15/12/2019 20:46

Online dating sounds brutal tbh. I say this with kindness and mean nothing about you personally, but about OLD itself; I don't think it would be a guaranteed boost. It might go the other way and make you feel terrible.

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2019 20:48

Online dating isn't fun, it's soul destroying.

Have fun nights out and get a few fuck buddies, if you want sex.

Make sure that you are in a place where you won't get into another bad relationship, before you date again.

Danni12 · 15/12/2019 20:54

After a really unhealthy relationship many years ago I started dating someone I already knew just 3 weeks later. At the time I felt guilty and that it was disrespectful. Now I wish I'd left sooner and just done whatever I wanted!
More recently I broke up with my spouse and got into a new relationship about a month later. Although I am still with this new person a year on it has not been an easy ride because I simply wasn't ready. I do wish on this occasion I had waited and given myself some space. So it is a very personal decision and very specific to the particular situation you are in and how you feel about it all. Sometimes when we break up we have really moved on emotionally a long time beforehand and sometimes not. Good luck whatever you decide and do lots of self care, you deserve it

anothernamejeeves · 15/12/2019 20:56

From all the threads you see on here about OLD I think it will be far from a boost. Finding out men are married/living with someone being ghosted used for a fb etc no just try and build your own confidence

SimonJT · 15/12/2019 21:00

What your ex thinks really doesn’t matter in the slightest.

It’s whats right for you.

Saying that, a friend persuaded me to sign up to a dating agency, I didn’t want to, I also thought it was embarrassing to use one. I am so so glad they persuaded me!

Elieza · 15/12/2019 21:08

I would leave it a wee while.
Otherwise the first guy will be your Rebound Guy and you will love bomb him and leave him. Why put someone through that. You’ll break his heart.

Just be yourself for a while and go to the pubs and clubs with friends and enjoy yourself.

You have to feel the burn of being alone and learn to love yourself again before you date.

Honestly, how would you feel if you were at the pub and saw your ex with a beautiful woman with his arm around her holding her hand and kissing her romantically?

Would you be cool with it?

If not it means you arent ready to date.
And although you shouldn’t really care what he does with whom, it is a bit more respectful as you say to not be on sites for at least a month. I’d leave it six months if it was a long term relationship. Feelings don’t go overnight. But that might be too long for some!

fllinn · 15/12/2019 22:23

Don't worry about how you appear. Do what makes you happy! I did OLD immediately after my ex left me, and it was fun being chased and going on dates. I also unintentionally met my DH, far sooner than I intended to have a serious relation but I'm so glad I did!! I did also have a very bad experience and was assaulted so stay safe if you do decide to meet people. Trust your gut and maybe have friends nearby.

Rezie · 15/12/2019 22:35

I think that since this was long time coming you already went through the "getting over the break up" emotions while still together. If you want to join. Do. If it doesn't feel right then delete the account.

Muminneedofadvicelol · 15/12/2019 22:41

I was in a relationship and in similar situation. It ended very suddenly and I was absolutely devistated. A few days later I joined a dating site. I didn't do it for a date, but more for a confidence boost. I really did hit rock bottom and my confidence was pretty low and I felt it helped me gain a little bit of confidence back. No harm in that. Do what feels right to you. You only get one life. I know if I could get those years I wasted with my ex I would. Why wait xx

Andysbestadventure · 15/12/2019 23:14

We've decided to divorce in the New Year.

After 16yrs, 6yrs married and half a lifetime of what I can only describe as mostly utter misery and blind faith he would stop being a miserable cunt and a useless husband, I've already picked out my dating wardrobe and by christ, I can't wait!!

I'm getting my life back! Finally!

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 16/12/2019 07:33

It's not too early if thinks have been over on your end for she time. If you're still hang up on him, that's not fair years the people you'll meet. But otherwise, give it a go. I always though the more you date, the better idea you have about what you actually want.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 07:37

Admired and chased again... honestly, do you have an idea of what kind of jungle OLD can be? You will admired and chased but most often than not, by people you wouldn’t care about.

I think you need a few times to find some balance and deal with the aftermath of breaking up before you put yourself out in OLD.

PerfectPretender · 16/12/2019 07:41

From a practical standpoint, this is a shitty time of year to try dating. Everyone is very busy and caught up in holiday preparation and/or merriment. Nobody has much time. On that basis alone I'd wait until January. In the meantime, have a read of the OLD thread in relationships. We are a friendly bunch.

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