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to go no contact with my dad?

10 replies

DependablePenny · 15/12/2019 18:51

I lost my mum 18 months ago. She had a progressive illness but her death itself was very sudden and unexpected.

My parents were divorced when I was 7 and my dad has remarried and moved away. He saw my brother and I most weekends and I lived with him for several years as a teenager for school so the relationship has been ok. He is stubborn and we have clashed over me not always following his advice but I never doubted he would have my back if I needed him.

I was not expecting him to mourn her as it had always been strained between them but I did think he would support me in some way.

My brother informed him she had passed away and he spent a great deal of time talking to him on the phone but never contacted me to see how I was at all.

I left it 3 days then sent him a text saying I was struggling and really needed him. He read the message but didn't reply. After a month I sent him a message saying I was upset he seemed to care so little about me and I had expected a father to want to support their daughter through something so hard. Again, he read it and ignored it. I know he saw it because his wife contacted me to say he was sad at what I had said and I needed to sort it out (English isn't her first language but she seemed to be saying I'd been mean to him)

That was 18 months ago. He regularly skypes my brother and has paid for my adult DC to go visit but made no attempt to contact me.

I just don't know what I did wrong to deserve this? I think he was annoyed I called him out as being shit support maybe?

My brother suspects he is unwell himself recently and wants me to contact him but I feel so hurt and let down by him I don't want to. I feel like I had to mourn both parents.

AIBU not to contact him ever again? I just don't think I can forgive him for this.

OP posts:

CharityConundrum · 15/12/2019 18:58

It sounds like he really let you down when you needed him, and that's hard to come back from. Is there anything he could say that would make things better? Would an apology help or is there too much water under the bridge? Sorry for your loss.


churchandstate · 15/12/2019 18:59

It sounds like he has really let you down, OP.


teagivesmejoy · 15/12/2019 19:07

It's his loss.
The last conversation I had with my father was ten years ago, the day my mother died.
They'd divorced when I was a child, but were always civil and we had a good relationship.
That evening, I really expected him to come to see me, I was alone and he knew this.
Like a fool I waited by the window and every car that approached I'd think "this is him".
He never came, never send a card, or flowers to her funeral, despite them having 4 children together.
He had remarried many years ago and there were no issues at all.
He's never contacted me since that day, and in all honesty, I'd tell him to royally f**k off if he tried to get in touch now.
I lost both parents that day.
In time, you will realise that these actions are from a truly truly selfish person, and you'll make peace with it.
For now, it's raw, it hurts, I understand.
So sorry about your mum 💐


DependablePenny · 15/12/2019 19:10

I don't know what he could possibly say to make me understand why he just ignored me?

It's left me wondering what kind of horrible person I must be if my own dad could offer me no comfort in a huge time of need.

There has always been a bit of a 'golden child' element with my brother - he settled down with a lovely girl, went to uni, got married, had kids. (not from my brother who I am very close to)

I was a single parent at 19, got qualifications via apprenticeships / college, can't afford to buy a house. But I work, am independent, I volunteer and live a good simple life. Never was the party animal, don't drink etc I have never ever asked him for money or any help.

I just don't understand it.

OP posts:

DependablePenny · 15/12/2019 19:12

teagivesmejoy I am so sorry you have felt this too.

I hope I can make peace with it too. Thank you.

OP posts:

DependablePenny · 15/12/2019 19:15

My brother is worried I will regret it if he is unwell and dies and I don't contact him.

I feel like if he reached out now because he is unwell it would be about his comfort and him appeasing his own conscience and not about me at all. I don't think that will make me feel better at all.

OP posts:

teagivesmejoy · 15/12/2019 19:16

@DependablePenny it's nothing you've said or done, you're not horrible to expect support, heaven knows, I'll be 90 and a rock to my children.
You can't reason for shitty behaviour like this, there's no valid sentient explanation other than some people, even those closest to us, are capable of letting us down.
I wish I could offer more support to you, it's a horrid feeling.


DependablePenny · 15/12/2019 19:24

Thank you tea. I think being a parent makes it worse somehow because I'd walk the country to my DC if they sent me a message saying they needed support.

OP posts:

PlasticPatty · 15/12/2019 19:27

Fathers are a mystery. Mine has gone nc with me, he's 87, I'm 62. I have to face the reality that this might be it, I might never see him again.


ohwheniknow · 15/12/2019 19:28

I am so sorry he's let you down so spectacularly. And I'm even more sorry about your mum. What a horrible time you've been having.

It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on him. What you've described of how he treated you sickens me.

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