Me and my ex were long distance for a number of months. Not that far away, a commute for me would take about 2 hours because I don't drive, but he can drive here in 1.5 hours.
We are honestly such a good match. I've never been intellectually and physically attracted to someone as much as him. We talk about everything, we read books together, have debates, support each others mental health, the sex is amazing.
He is respectful, kind and generous. He always puts others before himself. He's my perfect man, I shared with him that I imagined myself marrying him and he said the same.
We both went through some stressed 2 months ago. I was graduating and looking for work after being made redundant, he was promoted and moved house, his mother was ill, his brother needed a big loan from him etc. Things changed a bit between us then, I suppose you could say I was self centred as I started being insecure in the relationship because of a few small issues, e.g. listening to friends who told me I should always be my boyfriend's first priority (I know how in real life this isn't sustainable)
So we bickered a bit, nothing big, but the distance seemed to magnify it. Any time we disagreed it could have easily been sorted by seeing each other in the next few days, not the next weekend.
There was about 3 issues that caused disagreements during those 2 months. Eventually he said I was "making him feel guilty" and he said we should break up.
I was devestated, literally heartbroken. I couldn't eat, or do anything other than sleep for a week. He was my best friend and I felt so lonely without talking to him. We spoke a bit in the first month of the split including a six hour phone call and texting ... But it hurt too much so I decided not to initiate contact and the texts dwindled into him texting me about returning my stuff.
My mental health got bad. I started self harming again and I couldn't bear speaking to him so I took ages to reply. Last week we arranged to meet yesterday (Saturday) to exchange things.
I wasn't expecting any of what happened. Although I wholeheartedly love this man so much, I thought it would be awkward as it was two months since the split and little contact. He is also really socially aware/anxious and I thought he was going to be really nervous.
It was just like it was. The physically and intellectual chemistry was there. Talking for hours. Him taking responsibility for the way he broke up with me, saying I didn't do anything wrong.
And then he said that he stayed in bed for two weeks when we split up. That he's cut off from his friends because he can't bear socialising. That he has stepped down from his promotion. He spends alot of time smoking weed or working. And that he missed me more than anything in the world. That it was the most painful thing he has ever let go. He said no one would ever come close to me intellectually, personality wise and looks wise. He said he can't stomach the thought of dating or seeing me date anyone else. He said it was a massive shame, heartbreaking that we broke up, but at the time the distance made it all too much to deal with.
He said that it would kill him to try again and face the same issues we faced with distance. And he just feels anxious.
It broke my heart a little bit more to hear how he has been struggling. I thought he would have been okay since he made the decision. But he said he's never felt so low.
We had a coffee, went onto dinner and spoke about the breakup again. He said he was falling in love with me, but that all the stresses made him so uncertain, and he doesn't know what to do about us - keeping in touch as friends wouldn't work as we love each other, but he can't imagine life without me. He said he doesn't know what to do, he feels depressed and low. He said he can't handle the fact this may be the last time I see him.
Eventually he asked me to stay at his. At his house, he was saying "next time I see you we can do X Y and Z". He was a bit awkward about where he should sleep. He went to set up the couch and maybe stupidly I said "we can sleep in the same bed". We fell asleep cuddling and stuff, kissing. Had sex this morning. He drove me to work, bought me breakfast etc.
He has bought me Xmas and birthday presents which he says he will pass to me next time he sees me, and told me to leave my stuff at his (the whole point of the breakup) so I can collect it when I next see him.
So now I don't know what to do. I am certain he is depressed. And I am certain he does love me, and that the distance was to blame.
So now what?? I am looking for work, would it be weird to suggest moving to his city for work???
We are seeing each other again - but then what?
I know he isn't using me for sex. He isn't that type of man. I believe everything he is saying. Is there any hope for us?