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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DSS

18 replies

MouseDL · 15/12/2019 15:14

So we have step children 50% of the time 1 week with us then one week with there mum. Last month DSS 10 states how unhappy she was at mums, felt mum was only interest in new partner and his kids, was lazy and she hated her. I encouraged DH to talk to her and get her to talk to her mum about being unhappy but I know the full extent of what she said was never revealed just she was unhappy. I supported her, checked in on how she was feeling as I hated the thought of a child being unhappy.
This last month I am recovering from major surgery so have been in bed a lot as physically unable to do things this has been everyday not just days we have step children.
DH ex has texted yesterday saying DSS now doesn’t like me says I have been lazy, wouldn’t take her to the park and she deserves time to do things. I haven’t been able to shower myself let alone walk it drive. But the truth is she never asked me or DH to talk her to the park so I have no idea where that’s come from. DH replied he would sort it which has left me livid as I feel she has lied about me making me out to be bad when I am not and the fact her mother doesn’t know the extent of what DSS said about her is letting her lies pass and she needs to be pulled up on them as it’s actually dangerous (more some of the thing she said about her mum). WIBU to text her mum and explain the truth and tell her exactly what’s been going on

OP posts:
sundaynightflight · 15/12/2019 15:17

Your husband should have told her. This is on him, not on your stepdaughter who presumably has limited understanding of being incapacitated. So yes I think YANBU to be annoyed but YABU not to have directed that at your husband. Why isn't he entertaining your stepdaughter anyway, why is she bored when you're not able to do anything?

1Morewineplease · 15/12/2019 15:17

I really think that it’s your husband’s job to sort this out.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery.💐

7salmonswimming · 15/12/2019 15:19

Are you upset about unhappy DSD or about being accused of laziness or about what the ex-wife might think of you or your DH not standing up for you.... ?

You sound very confused. Just stay out of it. This is between DH and his DD and his ex-wife.

Original poster
MouseDL · 15/12/2019 15:21

She is nearly 11 and has full understanding of being incapacitated she even spent time sat upstairs with me, saw my 8 inch scar. She was entertained and actually they did go and do things other days but her brother was ill this day so they had to stay home, I would never stop them doing stuff because I can’t.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 15/12/2019 15:24

She’s playing you off against each other. I’d have a word with her mum, tell her exactly what’s been said about her and also explain your side of the story about what’s been said about you. Once she realises youre a united front and can’t get away with any lies then she knows she can’t get away with it

isadoradancing123 · 15/12/2019 15:35

She is playing you off against each other

Original poster
MouseDL · 15/12/2019 15:39

She is 100% playing people off but DH should of told ex it was untrue not just brushed it under the carpet or at least both parents sit down with her and address the lies so she knows she can’t do this.
I think I am hurt by her which makes me angry as I actively encourage time with her dad and also make effort to do things with her she wants to do

OP posts:
ahhRats · 15/12/2019 15:58

Maybe you need to take what she says with a pinch of salt. You (as a pair) were happy to believe the daughters view on her mum pretty quickly, maybe the mum is pointing out that its not always as it seems

Clangus00 · 15/12/2019 16:03

I would get your OH and his ex to talk about this. It’s not really your place...although I understand why you’re wanting to speak to mum about it all.

gamerchick · 15/12/2019 16:13

Maybe you need to take what she says with a pinch of salt. You (as a pair) were happy to believe the daughters view on her mum pretty quickly, maybe the mum is pointing out that its not always as it seems

Indeed!

This girl isn't very happy in general by the sounds of it and I wouldn't speak to her mother telling her she's a lier but I would ask for a pow wow as a group to see what can be done to get to the bottom of it. Or if the mother is prickly then just her parents.

onanothertrain · 15/12/2019 16:18

I think if you are going to believe the stories she tells you about her mum you are unreasonable to go off on one when her mum does the same with the stories she spouts about you.

Fcukthisshit · 15/12/2019 16:22

Maybe “moving house” every week is making her unsettled. I’m guessing she feels torn so is trying to crack on to you that she prefers being with you and the same with her mum. What you’ve said suggests to me that she feels “torn”. If I were you, I’d try and arrange to get together with DH, Mum and mums DH to try and figure out a way to make her feel more secure. A 50/50 set up maybe beneficial for the parents but It must feel like she doesn’t belong full time in either family??

Louise91417 · 15/12/2019 16:23

My ex partners daughter done this through out our relationship, for a quiet life i said nothing and hoped it was a faze. It got worse, she was accusing people of all sorts and worse my ex believed her..i really dont no what advice to deal with your dsd but it is worrying behaviour and obvious attention seeking.Hmm

Witchend · 15/12/2019 16:31

I heard a teacher say "if you don't believe all they tell you about school, we won't believe all they tell us about home."

This is very similar. You were very happy to believe what she said about her dm. Now she's saying the same things about you, you are indignant her dm believes her.

CharityConundrum · 15/12/2019 16:45

I think being angry at a child who has told you explicitly that she is unhappy is quite a harsh reaction. She is obviously struggling with the situation, for whatever reasons, so a bit of understanding would probably be more productive than anger.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 15/12/2019 18:28

I’d say she’s looking for attention for whatever reason maybe you and your husband should talk to her and explain how hurt you are and ask why she said it?

Original poster
MouseDL · 15/12/2019 19:04

I have felt for a long time the 50/50 doesn’t work well for his children they struggle with rules and behaviour and I feel a lot of that comes to bouncing between two very different parents styles but it’s not my place to ask for them more or less.
I didn’t believe everything she stated about her mum however felt some of her frustration was valid as her mum goes on holiday Abroad 3 times a year with Boyfriend and has never taken them anywhere and always promises next year then says she can’t afford it etc. I wanted DH to discuss it with ex so she had change to address what was said and defend herself but he just told her DSS was unhappy not what was said. It sort of feels she got away with that and has upped her game. The last conversation I had with her I managed to get out of bed to do her hair how she likes and tell her I had managed to get us tickets to something she desperately want to go to next year.

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 15/12/2019 19:23

Lies are lies, whatever the reason and from my experience they need nipped by both her parents, if not they will get worse and innocent people will be accused of all sorts..

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