MIL going in our bedroom

[Wynteriscoming]

So MIL came to stay the night, the next day we had to leave before she did so she was left alone in our house because she didn't want to rush to leave at the same time as us - fair enough.

The previous day, before she arrived, the house was a bit of a mess as it had been a busy week so I was rushing around cleaning and tidying up before she got here. I left our bedroom until last and dumped all the laundry in there as I thought well why would she be in our bedroom? I also had all the families Christmas presents including MILs on the bed as again, didn't feel the need to hide them. I kept our bedroom door shut whereas all other doors in the house remain open.

Anyway, there were some mugs in our room which I noticed had been placed in the dishwasher. I asked husband and he said it wasn't him, I asked because I knew it probably wouldn't be him as it's not the type of thing he usually does as he's blind to mess.

So I'm pretty positive MIL opened our bedroom door and went in, she is always tidying up so she couldn't help herself but take the mugs downstairs.

1. I'm annoyed she let herself in our bedroom when we weren't there, feels like an invasion of privacy
2. I'm annoyed she's probably seen her Xmas present
3. I'm embarrassed as the room was such a mess as she arrived early so didn't get round to tidying it up
4. I'm annoyed she's so bloody nosy, there was no reason she needed to be in our room, she would have only seen the mugs upon opening the door and going in. If door was left open I wouldn't be annoyed

AIBU? Would you let yourself in someone's bedroom if the door was shut and they weren't in?

My mil comes over and goes upstairs for a wee, sounds fine but she always takes about 15 minutes because she’s nosing upstairs. She then comes down and tells me I need to do this and that, re arrange, re-decorate etc.

I cringe saying this but recently I had bought myself and Oh something to spice up our ‘* life’ It arrived and I shoved it up on the bed before I had chance to put it away. We hardly ever have visitors.. Mil turned up unannounced and I completely forgot about the ‘treat’. I’m not sure if she seen it but it’s likely she did. 😩 thankfully she didn’t mention it.

Years back my MIL sloped off of her own accord to watch tv in our bedroom and she was in our bed - not on it, in it, fully under the duvet. That felt really odd when I found her there.

YANBU! It could be worse, my MIL once let herself in the house and had a good rummage through our bedroom drawers for something for BIL to wear. Key was taken back and we moved an hour away a few months later. New house choice had a LOT to do with it.

Don’t leave her alone in your house again. I feel your pain

Of course it is an invasion of privacy. I would pull her up on it very bluntly. Tell her that you know that she went into your room and you don't appreciate it, so you will not be allowing her to stay behind in your home again.

DH should, of course, also be telling her this.

My ex-MIL once went in my room and rifled through my jewellery box! I was seething, ex-DP said ‘maybe she’s buying you jewellery for Christmas?’ So I gave her the benefit of the doubt, she got me socks for Christmas so clearly she was just being a nosey cow. Felt so violated.

8My ex-MIL once went in my room and rifled through my jewellery box*

You caught her in the act?

My MIL, whom I very much respect and love, would have no problem wandering into my bedroom and definitely no problem clearing up there. It can feel invasive so I've told her that I prefer if she doesn't as I don't know what I might have left around.
As I am very close to her, it actually comes in very useful sometimes when I'm just after a baby or not well - she doesn't feel embarrassed to come visit me in my bedroom and I don't need to 'host' her. She enjoys a snoop as well I think but never bothered me personally - I have nothing to hide and get on well with her.
There are pros and cons to most things...

Sorry - forgot to add that after I said that I prefer she wouldn't she mostly stopped. She occasionally forgets and wanders in, though.

Oh when I had DD mine started coming in when we were asleep to look at her in bed. She comes in when I'm getting dressed, breastfeeding, absolutely no boundaries. Fortunately they don't visit much and and it is such a massive overstep I have to just laugh and roll my eyes!

@NoSauce

Of course not, but the jewellery box was closed and fastens shut, when I went in the room to get nappies the lid was ajar and all the jewellery had been moved.

She was the only one in the house at the time so who else would it of been?

She could have folded the laundry tbh

Mumsnet has a really weird thing about rooms, there are folks on here who won't even let their own kids in their rooms.

She likely was just tidying up and thought nothing of it. A bit like going into her sons room, because well that's what she was doing.

I think she intended no harm, but as you have issues, you need to tell her she should not go in there. Don't be mean to her this time, or have strong words, because she won't have realised. Personally I didn't give a shit if my mil went into my room, and I also let my friends go in if they need to get something ie hairdryer, they don't need to ask.

🤷‍♀️

snowball28 did you say anything about her looking through your jewellery box?

@NoSauce

She doesn’t speak great English so no. I talked about it with ex-DP and he came out with the huff about presents. Then refused to speak to her to ask her what she was playing at.

Hence the fact he’s an EX. Useless in most ways.

YANBU. It’s possible she was just trying to be helpful, but if, as you say, she has form for being nosy, a closed door will have been irresistible, and she was probably looking for a reason to scuttle in there the minute you left. Agree with other posters, time to set some boundaries.

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL actually nicked stuff from my flat when I was first married. I’d cooked a Sunday roast and used some bits of crockery that had belonged to my BIL who’d given them to us when he went off travelling. They weren’t really my kind of thing but were quite unusual (handmade) so very distinctive. She said not a word about it, but waited until we’d left for work the next day and rooted through every cupboard in the kitchen to find these bits and pieces and spirited them off in her suitcase.

I was frantically looking for the bloody things for weeks, feeling like I’d gone mad, until DH announced matter-of-factly, ‘yeah, she’s obviously taken them’. I was utterly gobsmacked. I mean, I’d have gladly given her the fucking things if she’d just asked. To this day, they’ve never been seen or mentioned again (I imagine her occasionally getting out a secret box from under the floorboards and gloating over them like the Gravy Boat Gollum ).

Mind you, that was the very tip of a gigantic iceberg of bat-shittery that I’ve been grappling with for the last thirty years, so good luck with the bedroom thing, OP!

And those are YOUR boundaries Bluntness and clearly the OP feels differently

Janicejaniceahmfallin gravy boat Gollum

Oh janice you MUST start referring to your MIL as GBG to your partner

And those are YOUR boundaries Bluntness and clearly the OP feels differently

Exactly. That's the whole point. It would not occur to me or my friends or their kids this was a no go. It is for the op and it is for many on mumsnet, so someone has to tell the mil the op has issues and doesn't want her in there, but nicely. As it's highly likely she didn't realise and nothing was done maliciously here. If she'd been told previously it would be different. But she wasn't.

@Bluntness100 the op does not 'have issues', she just has a preference to keep her bedroom private, as do so many people. You and your friends who don't mind people going into bedrooms just have different boundaries to the op, it takes all kinds.
My parents are of the open to all variety including their bathroom, yet won't go into any of their married children's bedrooms. Which suits me fine as it's not up to my mum's tidiness standards.

Some people are just nosy. My MIL always HAS to go into our room to look at the view out the window (a parking lot). Yanbu

I was raised with very little boundaries about anything, really, so it would not really bother me someone going into my room. That said, boundaries are something I am learning about as an adult - setting them and respecting them - and I would expect a guest in my house to also do the same.

I came on here for both sides of the issue so all opinions are welcome.

Personally, if she needed something, say a hairdryer, or the door was open and she spotted the mugs then I wouldn't be bothered her popping in to tidy them up. I think it was obvious the door was shut intentionally which to me means keep out. But then maybe I do have issues I feel a bit weird going in my own guest room when we have guests staying (for clean towels not to be nosy).

DH will say something to her and next time she's round, I'll have to make sure I tidy our bedroom better as then I'd probably be less bothered as well.

I do stugggle to understand my MIL sometimes. We had a loft hatch installed. Your basic run of the mill loft hatch, DH had already sent her photos but she still said "ooh I forgot to go look at your new loft hatch". She just has to see and know everything.

I'd buy a load of sex toys and porn vids (or print off sleeves to make them look like them but with really risque stuff printed on it like "son fantasises about fucking his own Mum"). Leave them on the bed next time she's over.

Bet she won't go in your room after that!