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to be fed up with DP's 'life admin'?

15 replies

toastlover100 · 14/12/2019 15:37

By life admin, I mean creating project boards to organise our lives, having to-do list after to-do list. He has detail and make notes of everything, like 'finding a hobby', 'saving', 'exercising more'... Because of this, he spends all his time organising life, and in my opinion, never actually getting on with it.

I used to complain that he never organised anything and I was left with the mental load. Now it is quite the opposite - I want to get on and live, DP wants to make lists of lists of lists.

AIBU to feel that life is messy, we cannot control everything and to just get on with it?

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 14/12/2019 15:38


It sounds like a joyless existence.


Nearlyalmost50 · 14/12/2019 15:40

I wouldn't worry if he created to-do lists for himself, I wouldn't want them created for me.


JigsawsAreInPieces · 14/12/2019 15:42

I think we're with the same man! He can't just ”do” but has to list it, return to the list to cross off ”washing up” etc while I am just getting on with what's on my theoretical list.

I don't need to write it down, I just see it and do it. Crown Smile


Obligatorync · 14/12/2019 15:49

Well, it's ok in my view for him to have to write things down...for him, not for you.

But he's stuck. He is a slave to the lists - but the lists in their current form aren't working for him. It's the wrong way round.

He needs to work out what he wants to change, and why, and how to get closer to it in tiny little steps, that are measurable, not overly perfectionistic and have a time limit.


Idratherbeonquora · 14/12/2019 16:25

I can't dp anything withput listing it beforehand. I have a diary with not just whats going on each day but little goals like
-10 walks over the park this month
And have to check off the boxes
Or savings have to be put into my chart

I cant function its not organised on paper ots not organised in my head

My dp often says i would have more time to do if i wasnt planning so much but when i dont plan ahead i just CANT DO ANYTHING!
its probably an axiety related problem.

If it makes him feel better i dont see how it matters to you, my dp is always moaning at me for wasting time on it but it helps.
I dont manage to keep to everything and sometimes i dont stick to it at all but it helps.


Idratherbeonquora · 14/12/2019 16:27

I bet it makes him feel more i co trol of his life. So when you feel like 'what have i done this week?'
He can look back and say 'i have done X Y and Z'


AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2019 16:29

Project boards?! If I was going to do one of those it would end up as an item on my to do (not picture) list forever.


Willow2017 · 14/12/2019 16:45

I love a list but not at the expense of actually doing stuff! Ticking stuff off the list is a good feeling and keep me motivated to do stuff. I don't always get to the end of it when I should as other things crop up and they take priority but they are helpful so I don't forget stuff.
Project boards??? Only if it's a major project not for everyday stuff surely?
Can you tell him the 'to do list' means he actually has to do it at some point not just talk.about it?

He needs to see that the msking of the list is only psrt of it, he needs tpdo the stuff. And if he was making lists for me without discussing first I would tell him where to shove them😀


CanIHaveADrink · 14/12/2019 17:18

If that’s what is working fo him, then that’s what it is. I YWBU to expect him to do things your way, esp as he has taken on board your request to share the mental load.

However, if that means he is never doing anything, then it is a shame and you need to Bring some balance back.

FWIW I dint have any project board, but I do to do list (like most people?), do follow let’s say my exercise routine (because it helps me keep on track and motivated) etc....


BobbinThreadbare123 · 14/12/2019 17:20

I love a list, but not for tickboxing my actual life events.
Arnold J Rimmer springs to mind!


WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 14/12/2019 17:22

I must confess that I can be a bit like that.

Basically I think I'm just procrastinating, whilst convincing myself that I'm being proactive. I'm not. I know I'm not, and I'd like to snap out of it.

I'd be interested to see if anyone else on this thread has managed to break this habit.


tired206 · 14/12/2019 17:26

To be honest I'm exactly the same as your DP! I find having a list makes me feel more in control of my chaotic and overly busy life.


SpoonBlender · 14/12/2019 17:34

It's only an issue if he really doesn't do the things on the lists. If he does, and it's his way of organising himself, no problem.

Are you being hyperbolic, or is there a problem?


1hamwich4 · 14/12/2019 17:40

I find lists and plans really helpful now.

But I had to find the right system for me- it’s taken a while!

Like everyone I have too much to do and felt that I was getting ever more crap as I failed to do it all. Writing lists didn’t help because they were wildly unachievable. I couldn’t see what I’d managed to get done, I only felt bad about what I hadn’t got done.

Now I use the lists to plan stuff much more realistically and see better results because projects actually get finished, plus anything really important gets knocked off as well.

Don’t knock lists and plans.


MyChristmasBauble · 14/12/2019 17:43

Leave him to it. Just make it clear that you won’t be controlled by his lists.

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