To ask how to deal with an evil, critical inner voice?

[HotMessMiss]

I’m having a horrible night. From the outside I am a completely together, happy and successful person but I am really struggling with my internal thoughts. I have an inner voice that constantly tells me how horrible I am and I just can’t make it go away. It’s been escalating lately and I’ve been starting to cut myself to help. I’m finding it exhausting and feel as if I’m beginning to lose my mind.

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m successful in my career, financially am very comfortable, have an amazing husband who is nothing but loving, caring and supportive and a good circle of friends. I look after myself, exercise very regularly and have a good relationship with my parents.

Despite all this, I honestly despise myself. I often feel very cold compared to other people. I particularly don’t enjoy being around kids and find it very hard to love my nieces and nephews. That sounds so monstrous when I write it down. My inner voice is constantly telling me I’m fat, I’m ugly and I’m evil from the core. It’s fucking unrelenting.

Has anyone ever managed to overcome these kind of thoughts? I’m just so exhausted and feel so alone tonight. My husband is happily sleeping beside me in bed clueless to all of this and all I want to do is something horrible to myself. Can anyone relate? I feel like a complete hot mess right now.

I think you should make an appointment with the gp.

It sounds a bit like OCD, but obviously you would need to see the doctor to get a real diagnosis and access the help you need.

You're not bad or unfeeling but there is help out there to deal with these unwanted thoughts.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Seek professional help before it esscalates further. I'm sorry you are dealing with that, hope it gets better.

I've had CBT and found it extremely helpful for dealing with thoughts like these - it gives you a framework for challenging them. There's a long waiting list for NHS CBT, but if you're financially secure paying for some private sessions could be an option?

DP suggested visualising it as the little Angel and Devil from cartoons, sitting on your shoulder.

You ping the one saying the mean things off your shoulder so you can get on with your day/get some sleep.

A CBT course may be what you need. Do you have an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) at work? If you do you may be able to get an online CBT course through them. I used SilverCloud and it really helped me to manage my inner voice.

I think PPs have given good advice re: seeking medical support. I used to support people who were really distressed by intrusive thoughts, and one of the most helpful techniques seemed to be challenging 'the voice' to the point that it disempowered what 'the voice' was saying. So perhaps in the short term, while you're waiting for a GP appointment or whatever, you might feel able to try this technique? Basically you disassociate yourself from 'the voice' - it's not a part of you, you don't invite or accept these thoughts, they're unwelcome and necessary. Think of a name for 'the voice' and imagine what it looks like. Let's call it Doris (for no particular reason). Doris might be woman (or a furry monster, or a rodent or whatever you like) and if she is she's a bloody nasty, bitter piece of work to be saying all these vile things about you - she'd probably have a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. When you have a thought challenge it - it's not you, it's that Doris being a bitch again. Imagine telling Doris to fuck off or chasing her away with a baseball bat - anything that helps you feel separate and more powerful than her. You don't know where Doris came from, but you sure in hell are going to get rid of her - be it CBT, counselling or something else. I don't know if I've explained it at all well!
I really hope you feel some relief soon - please try to look after yourself, you're not alone because lots of people have lived through similar experiences and come out the other side in a strong and happy place

And by the way other people's kids can be super annoying - even if they're related to you! I still don't really enjoy being around other kids but I adore, adore, adore my own - so you're not weird or unloving.

I second the GP, but I'll also tell you what worked for me.

Picture someone you love - a child, nephew/niece, dear friend - someone you would protect.

Then picture the voice saying what it is saying to that person. Allow anger to rise (if it naturally does).

Shout that voice down internally like you would if you were defending your loved one.

It works, but it also moves you onto the next life lesson - which is to learn to love yourself enough that you find yourself worthy of defending (and don't have to imagine someone else). But it's one step at a time!

All the best

Honestly It sounds a bit like pure O, a form of OCD which involves relentless, intrusive thoughts and doesn’t necessarily involve the rituals of other forms of OCD and therefore goes undiagnosed for a long time for most ppl.
My advice would be to seek professional help, you could start with your GP or look at private ways to access therapy. You need to learn ways to manage the thoughts, perhaps you can do that by yourself without professional support but it does sound like you’re past the point of trying to manage it alone. Please reach out and get some support

Self compassion is what's needed here but it's tricky to get the hang of. What would a compassionate friend or loved one say if they could hear your inner monologue?

Have you seen your GP? My mind generated all those sorts of thoughts when I had postnatal depression - all sorts of "I'm such a bad mother..." type comments used to tumble out of my mouth without me really noticing. When my mood lifted all the negativity stopped

Yeah, me too. It’s got bad recently and is quite disabling to be honest.
That along side a mountainous dollop of imposter syndrome and yep, I’m a bag of shite all round.

For me, Spotify, earphones and blast the voices out ...for a while any way with my music or a TED talk.

Other than that, it’s professional help.

Writing helps. Write down what they're saying as it comes through. For some people the act of writing helps you separate your self from your thoughts, by creating a distance you can gradually learn to look at them more objectively.

This is exactly the kind of thing CBT is for. Make sure you do a face to face course - the online one is useless.

CBT and also strangely 250mg of st Johns wort daily, has helped with my self critical thoughts. I had bad social anxiety so slightly different to you, but it worked for me. Good luck