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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy each other presents.

30 replies

AG29 · 14/12/2019 12:20

This is mine and partners 8th Christmas together. We have two children. When we were first together it was expensive presents (he bought me an iPad out first Christmas together when we didn’t live together , how things change 🤣). In most recent years we’ve got each other little things. Mostly clothes, shoes, perfume, aftershave books, dvds we wanted etc. Up until last year we would buy each other something.

This year we have decided against it. Money has become tighter and neither of us really need anything. We have decided to treat ourselves to a box set to watch in the evenings and we have a couple days free this week so we may go out for lunch at one point. We do buy stuff during the week when have some extra money.

Mil came over yesterday and asked what I got for partner. I told her nothing and she reacted and said I should buy him something. I told her that he specifically said not to as we’ve been trying to save money. I told her he wouldn’t have got me anything (the last couple years I’ve had to pick out my own presents 🤣). She wasn’t impressed and told me that her and her partner always buy each other something nice which is fine of course.

Aibu to think partners don’t have to buy each other anything? We have our own house, money has been tight in recent months and we’ve just spent out a lot on a new car (new to us anyway). Our two children have a great Christmas but we’ve been cut down on what we’ve spent on them this year.

Plus we are looking into home improvements in the new year so it seems pointless buying each other things for the sake of it when we don’t really need much.

My grandparents have never bought each other anything as such for birthdays and Christmas. They’ve favoured spending it on things for their home, their children and grandchildren and they’ve been together for over 60 years so it can’t be that bad!

OP posts:
RedskyToNight · 14/12/2019 12:23

We don't buy for each other unless it's small token gifts or something the other really likes. I don't see this as a big deal at all, though I admit this is partly because I don't really like getting gifts anyway!

If you're both happy with that, it's nothing to do with MiL.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/12/2019 12:27

I’m not fussed at all. Sometimes we’ll do a joint purchase of something for both of us. I don’t think it’s a big deal. It isn’t for us anyway. If either of us saw something we really wanted, we’d get it.

GreenLeafTurnip · 14/12/2019 12:32

I've been with my husband for 11 years and we haven't given each other Christmas presents for at least the last 3 years if not more. We'd rather have more cash to spend on the house or as we now have a baby, him!

We do still get each other birthday presents though.

AnotherEmma · 14/12/2019 12:32

YANBU.
It's none of your MIL's business.
The run up to Christmas is always so expensive and stressful with lots of things to buy. DH and I decided to take some of the pressure off by agreeing not to buy each other presents, apart from a small present "from DS". We have just bought ourselves a new laptop in the Black Friday sale so that was our present to each other.
When you've been together a long time and have children to buy for, it seems silly to buy each other presents for the sake of it.
We prefer to treat each other at birthdays and also have date nights throughout the year (not as often as we'd like!)

Bellsringring · 14/12/2019 12:33

We don’t bother. If we had plenty of money I’d like something expensive and high quality. But we don’t and I don’t like cheap or token gifts

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 14/12/2019 12:39

this year we've bought each other small gifts from the children about £10-15 as this year we are going to see one of our favourite bands in January so that's kind of a Christmas present.

I think we will try and do this in future something we want to do together as a gift rather than spend £40-50 on stuff we don't need.

bridgetreilly · 14/12/2019 12:41

The only people who get a say in this are you and him. So long as you are both happy with your plans, then it's completely fine.

Confusedbeetle · 14/12/2019 12:43

Not done it for years. I think its very rude of people to ask what you got for Christmas. Just buy for children, elderly and lonely

Winterdaysarehere · 14/12/2019 12:49

We have a 20 quid limit and it has to all fit in a stocking!! I think my dc would be upset if we didn't get one!

1300cakes · 14/12/2019 13:01

Nope, we don't do gifts for each other at Christmas or birthdays. We could easily afford it but we just prefer not too. For the first two years we were together we did gifts, I (secretly) thought the gifts I got from now DH were shit, although he was proud of his efforts. He probably thought the same about mine. So it just made sense to stop. It ends up being a waste. Plus we don't need any clutter in the house.

I see it as giving and receiving the "gift" of no stressful shopping, more money in the pocket, a clutter free house and not having to fake happiness over a shit gift.

Ellisandra · 14/12/2019 13:04

We don’t.
It’s an expensive time of year. It relieves the pressure to find the perfect gift, and you avoid spending for the sake of it.
Sometimes at any other time of the year, we see something we thing the other would like and just get it. But Xmas, we have happily jointly agreed not to bother.

GlmPmum · 14/12/2019 13:06

We've never really bought for one other including birthdays which are close together. Instead wether it be our birthdays or Xmas we save the money we would have spent on each other and enjoy a nice meal and drink out together. Quality time together is far better than a present.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2019 13:06

We give each other presents but if you've discussed it and agreed not to then it's fine. Nothing to do with anyone else.

MooMummy12 · 14/12/2019 13:08

We've decided not to this year aswell. We go for a meal with our little girl on Christmas Eve & would both rather spend the money on quality time together than something that neither of us really wants/needs x

UndertheCedartree · 14/12/2019 13:15

I've not bought my DP anything except a selection box from the children and a calendar which is for both of us.

Money is tight and we'd rather spend on the children.

GaraMedouar · 14/12/2019 13:19

I am single currently, but if I ever have a partner again I’d like to agree from the off that we do not buy each other birthday, Xmas presents, plus nothing for Valentines either.

Londongirl86 · 14/12/2019 13:22

I am absolutely stuck with ideas for my partner this year. other than socks, toiletries and clothes (which we all buy anyway when needed) there's nothing. He doesn't even wear a watch. I find it virtually impossible to think of something to do. X

BarbedBloom · 14/12/2019 13:29

We spoil each other at Christmas, no kids. We don't tend to buy ourselves much through the year though and also both enjoy gifting and surprises. However, it is totally up to each couple what they want to do and isn't anyone else's business.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 14/12/2019 13:38

Garameduoar, almost 20 years here and that’s our tradition. Takes the pressure off immensely.

Notajogger · 14/12/2019 13:44

Yanbu. And it has nowt to do with MIL!

Mileymileymoomoo · 14/12/2019 13:46

We do buy each other if it’s stuff we need and would have bought for ourselves anyway. Otherwise we don’t bother and would have a weekend away or a couple of nights out.

So this year I am getting DH a pair of jeans and an MP3 player and he is buying me Ecco shoes for my knackered feet.

Ignore your MIL, entirely up to you what you do.

Dazedandconfused10 · 14/12/2019 13:49

We've never bought each other gifts in the 7 years we have been together. I don't see why it's such a big deal especially if you are saving money

helpmum2003 · 14/12/2019 13:50

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP. I don't think you need to justify yourself to anyone.

Alarae · 14/12/2019 13:51

We have been together for nearly nine years and the first few years were expensive. Now we give each other a token gift around £20. I did suggest not doing gifts this year but DH likes to do something so we will continue as we can afford it.

As our baby is due in February the small gifts will probably continue, but will be 'from baby' as opposed to us.

We don't bother with birthday gifts now and instead decided we will do a joint 'gift' where we will book a weekend away somewhere/experience.

LadyCordeliaVorkosigan · 14/12/2019 14:00

DH, yesterday: "Your presents are going to be all rather clothing-y, I'm afraid."
Me: "Excellent. Yours are rather house-y."
Him: "Cool."

I expect pyjamas or dressing gown, pullovers, possibly socks. He's getting bath mats and extra crockery. We also have a couple games for all, and a few second-hand books - we like lots of parcels but mostly it's treating the household to stuff we've wanted to replace anyway.