Family Christmas dinner problems.

[AG29]

Every single year I get stressed out about this. Both mine and partners family live close by which I believe makes things harder as we feel obliged to visit both and one day I’d love a Christmas to ourselves.

Each year my mum wants us to go there for dinner as does mil but mil is more understanding we have two families. We’ve alternated years before and even just had our own dinner to save a fuss. We visit both on Christmas Day. It’s only the bloody dinner that causes such a fuss.

We have two children.

Before anyone asks I can’t really host Christmas here. Inviting my mum would mean also 15 other people. Grandparents, siblings, my brothers partner, uncles. I have no room for that. Mil loves to host it herself anyway.

So.. this year mil invited over there. Last year we had our own dinner but I think the year before we had dinner at my mums.. I can’t really remember.

It’s just mil and her partner home this year. Their other children my partners siblings have moved away, travelling, have partners etc. So they would
Love if I’d we went over with DC for dinner. Mil loves to do it.

My mum isn’t happy. She doesn’t seem to understand we have two families. She was a single mum when we were little. Me and my brother didn’t have a dad around and she’s estranged from her now husbands parents so it’s always been ‘her family’. She believes the daughter should spend Christmas Dinner with her mummy yet I’m sure she won’t be happy when my brother wanted to spend Christmas at his girlfriends.

Also. Christmas at mums is stressful. So many people. They’re loud, outspoken, it’s a crazy family and there’s no room for like 19 people. I’d much rather visit them first thing. Plus my brothers partner will be there. I haven’t met her yet and won’t before Christmas. I have major social anxiety meeting new people let alone around the table.

Aibu to think my mum should understand. Mil and her partner have no one locally apart from us whereas my mum has all her family locally and should be grateful.

There comes a time in every family when you want to be at home with your children and have your own family day. See the others for a drop in and/or a lunch/tea another day. I am happy to let all my 4 families do whatever they want and see me whenver they want, which they do and its lovely. The heat should not be on "the day"

You don't have a Christmas Dinner problem, you have a Mum problem. She needs to realise that you are an adult now and respect your decisions and situation.

It's not normal to fear telling a parent that you have to alternate visits on special occasions now that you have another family (your husband's) to share your time between.

Perhaps look at your childhood and work out why she has such a hold over you. What do you fear? How has she punished you when you don't meet her expectations? (silent treatment? nasty comments? disapproving looks?.....etc). It may help to acknowledge how she crosses your boundaries and then very politely and calmly assert those boundaries, ignoring any negative reaction you receive.

Your Mum is being ridiculous. You're an adult with a family of your own, she doesn't have rights in perpetuity to have you there for Christmas. Tell her you'll drop in to visit at a mutually convenient time (after work Christmas Eve?) and stick to your guns.

This may have been suggested already but could your PIL go to your mums too then you can all spend it together.

I could add, that for the first time in 27 years I’m not hosting Christmas, DD1 and her fiancé want to do it themselves and have kindly invited us along with his family. So we are looking forward to that.
I’ll miss hosting a tiny little bit, cooking the dinner mostly because it’s always amazing 😉, but I have the choice, I could still host but I’d rather we spend it with them and I totally get why they want to do their own.
If they want a quiet Christmas in the future without us, that will be fine too. Equally if we wanted to spend Christmas elsewhere I’m sure my DD1 would say she'll miss us but that it does sound lovely and she hopes we have a lovely time.

Guilt is not a nice feeling and not something I want to be the reason my children see me. At the moment, I’m confident we all see each other because we enjoy each other’s company.

“Sorry we can’t make it this year mum, but hope you have fun.”

Repeat as necessary.

Your mum is not happy. Oh dear, that’s a shame. She’ll survive.

And next year book a cottage several hundred miles away from anyone.

If she refuses to understand, she;s being immature, and that is her problem, not yours. Don;t waste energy and headspace feeling guilty. Just be anm adult and cheerfully say it's MiL's turn to have us this year. We'll see you on Christmas Eve or Boxing day, whichever is easier. If she huffs, don't make an effort to see her until new year.

19 Peoeple on Christmas Day sounds like my ideal of Hell (see OP original post). I come from a very large family, and often on Christmas Day as a child, I would escape to my room, to get away from all the noise etc.
This means, of course, that my own DC have lots of cousins, and frankly, I found it beneficial to spread Christmas over several days, visiting different family members in smaller groups, or them visiting us.
Your DM should understand you have your In Laws, and occassionally will spend Christmas Day with them.
Alternatively, create you own traditions, and spend Christmas Day by yourselves with your DH.
There are several days between Christmas and New Year, inclusing a weekend, so there should be days, when your DM or DMiL are not working.

DH and I 'lucked out' because his family always celebrated Xmas Eve and my family Xmas Day. We were also lucky that each set of parents included the other set, not simply because they were lovely people but because one set would have been alone on either Eve or Day.

I'd probably alternate if I were you or see if my DM would include my MiL. But you are entitled to do what you want.

Ah, I see the obligatory dead parent has cropped up- it doesn't usually take as long as page 2! "My parent is dead, so you should make yourself miserable" isn't really an effective argument, since part of the reason you miss your parent is likely to be that they didn't stress you out.

We have had bereavements in our family, and people I would love to spend Christmas with are sadly no longer around. My parents have made it abundantly clear that they don't want to see me at Christmas or any other time. I still don't think you should gratefully do what your mother wants, because she has been gracious enough to want to see you.

Years ago, our family had a talk about what we really wanted from Christmas. It turns out that we all like Christmas Mass and nobody likes turkey. So the one constant is going to church and everything else is up to the kids, who vote in early December. We usually end up with steak pie for dinner and some sort of pudding with lots of custard. Ask your children what they want to happen and work from there.

OP what is your relationship with your mum like generally?

I ask because this is how my own mum would act and she is difficult about lots of things. High expectations and then if you don't meet them, the guilt trip.

I totally agree with previous advice about realising this is your mum's problem, not yours. If she wants to be upset, let her be. It's scary to step out of the usual habit of appeasing a parent, but having done it more myself in recent years, it's not as bad as you think and now my mum is actually starting to behave more nicely.

Sorry if I'm reading too much into things, it just seems like this shouldn't be a big problem unless your mum is kind of difficult generally.

Stay home with your family. Really. Don’t drive anywhere. Don’t commit to going anywhere. Your Christmas.

Been there, done that. Seriously, have it your way.