AIBU - second marriage 'blended family 'loyalty issue

[Carolamc]

I think I am being unreasonable, but feel he has been disloyal. My husband of 10 years (together for 13) have 2 children each. We live several hundred miles from all of them. I have tried to get on with his children (now adults 30 and 28) but have only met his daughter once - not for want of me trying.

My children get on well enough with my husband and cards, presents etc are exchanged. My husband tends not to want to come back to the uk very often, so I see my children when I come back (every 2 months) and he sees his (once a year)

We sent cards today, and I have discovered that he has sent a card signed 'love dad' to his daughter and 'love Dad and Carol' to his son. Was I unreasonable to get upset and accuse him of trying to erase me in some way. The fact he did it deliberately was telling.

I did confront him, and he said he did it to 'keep the peace'. ???? I did reply that I didn't know there was a war on. After a long discussion, tears etc, i think he realised that I was upset and he was sorry he did it. That won't mean he probably won't do it again though.

But am I being unreasonable? Is it just the natural way things may be in second marriages? Shall I just get over it and concentrate on maintaining the relationships with my own children ? I can't change how she thinks of me. I may well have answered my own question but it would be interesting to hear the views of others who have been on a similar situation.

[Kelkelkelkelkel]

Having been the adult daughter in the same type of situation it is best just signing the card from your hubby for now. My Dad really pushed the issue and always included his wife’s name when things were already tense between us. I’m sorry to say that each time one arrived from them both it made me more determined not to be in touch. Sadly this meant quite a number of years of us not being in contact (my Dad and I)
Thankfully all is good now though, he forgave me, as did she, for being an idiot, my stepmum is amazing and we have a great relationship.
You don’t know what has been said to the daughter by other parties which can take time to get over.
Hope it all works out for you all.

[Transformer123]

I don't think I would have been that upset, but I would have had a conversation with him around how it would help to encourage has daughter to adapt to the new situation.

At the end of the day, his daughter is an adult and needs to accept that his father has his own life. She needs to gradually adjust. If he keeps protecting her from reality, then he is enabling her in her efforts to blank you out in her head (and she is getting his approval to do so). By writing your name in her card, he would be making a statement that she needs to acknowledge you as his partner, in a subtle way.

Perhaps he has not considered the affects of his actions, and is trying to be caring. So perhaps a rational discussion needed to happen, without so much emotion.

[Xenia]

Sensible husband to keep the peace with his daughter. This is an unblended family - not sure why you put blended. It is as unblended as they come really and you met his daughter once.

May be once she has children she will want to know her step mother better. As it is just leave it - it is his issue and his daughter. The fact your name wasn't on a card is neither here nor there.

In fact surely the true wrong is both of you have chosen to live so far away from all the children. Why not move closer?

[FaFoutis]

Since your husband only sees his children once a year you have already won. No need for the tears.

[FreedomfromPE]

He's between a rock and a hard place. I'd cut him some slack but now he knows how upset you are then perhaps he will work with you on a way forward by communicating more honestly with his daughter about how things he has done (like this card) might be shaping her view

[CharityConundrum]

Why do you want your name included on her card?
To make a point that you won't be 'erased' (whatever that means - you've only met her once, why does her lack of interest in you make you feel 'erased'?). You're already married to her dad, what more do you want?
To prove that you will be involved in her life even when she has no desire for you to be? That seems needlessly petty.
To get your husband to prove that you are more important than his daughter? He is blatantly not that bothered about her if he only sees her once a year, so I wouldn't worry.

You're not a blended family, you are someone who married a man with adult children. He is already pretty absent from their lives, why would you want to create more distance between them by insisting that these adult strangers welcome you into their lives when they've only seen their actual dad 10 times since you've been married? I just can't see what you want out of this situation?

[ddl1]

If it was someone you saw regularly, even if not living with you, then you would not be unreasonable. But an adult daughter, whom you've only met once? So long as he's not actively trying to prevent your seeing her more often, then I think he should be permitted to maintain his relationship with her separately. At her age, it's really up to her whether to seek a relationship with you. It's unfortunate that she seems uninterested in (or perhaps actively opposed to) doing so, but it's not fair to expect that your dh should force the relationship on her.

[Drabarni]

She's a grown up and doesn't want to know you, that's fine.
Sounds like her Dad isn't really that close if he only sees her once a year.

[Josette77]

If you have been with their Dad since the kids were 15 and 17 how have you only seen them once? Did he move away from his kids when they were young?

[Laughterisbest]

Some people place great emphasis on being a couple. In this case the OP has no relationship at all with the daughter - we don't know why - so I see nothing wrong with her name not being on the card.

I also think it's a bit odd to receive Christmas cards from Jane and Jim when I've never met Jim. It's as if Jane has no identity without Jim.

[Jengnr]

It’s not the hill to die on but also not unreasonable to expect acknowledgement. Whether she like it or not you are married to her Dad.

[MySonThePotato]

It sounds like she's not interested in having much of a relationship with her own dad, let alone you.

I'd be nervous about being cut out of my dad's will if I were her.

[Nanny0gg]

My father has been with his bidie-in for the best part pf 2 decades

Haven't heard that for years.
Brilliant description

[Halo1234]

It wasnt about you. It was about his daughter. His daughter doesnt know u. That's not your fault and 100% on her but it is the way thing are. For whatever reason she has chosen not to get to know u. He wants to still have somewhat of a relationship with his daughter so sends her a card from him. He is respecting her choice not to get to know u ......it doesnt mean he agrees with it. Just that he loves her regardless. Dont make him chose to be loyal to you or her. Let him love u both. He cant control how she treats u but should be allowed to show his love to her anyway.

[Purpleartichoke]

For whatever reason, You have no relationship with his daughter. I would just give him some space to have whatever relationship with her that he can. If you do that, then it’s possible that some day in the future, the situation might improve.