Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Old friends

21 replies

Stickybuns52 · 14/12/2019 08:47

Hi, I was wondering if you lovely people could please offer me some advice please? I've been best friends with my best friend since I can remember, we were so close!! She was meant to be going to university but decided to take a gap year to do a bit of traveling. I haven't seen her in a few years as I moved towns, got married. She fell in to a bad crowd & last time I saw her she was the trawls of a really bad heroin addiction. However she's just recently been in touch & says she's clean needs a place to crash as she has nowhere else to go. I don't know if she is clean or not. Part of me really wants to help her get back on her feet but the other part of me doesn't know if I really trust her & I don't want her around my children. My husband has the same feeling as me wants to help but not sure if we can trust her & don't really want her around our children either. Please help, I don't know what to do!!

OP posts:

dudsville · 14/12/2019 08:53

Only you can make this call. Id she it's clean and needs a hello up then while being very helpful to your friends you'll also be seeing a wonderful example for your childre, if she isn't...

My uncle was addicted to many things. I also really loved him. He came to stay once whilst in the grip of heroin and my mother wouldn't let him stay. I've always thought she made the right call.

You could explain to your friends the issues it brings having young children around but work with her to find supportive accommodation near you so that you can be a support?

insanepizza · 14/12/2019 08:53

Oh OP that is tricky. I think as you have children you cannot offer her a roof or place to stay. Can you say to her that you will support her in many other ways but due to your children this is the one thing you cannot offer?

RobinBlues · 14/12/2019 09:07

This is really hard. I have an old school friend that has been a heroin addict for the last 18 years. Apparently she is clean and has been since early this year but addicts are addicts and you never know.

Contact the local drug rehabilitation centre and get some advice. A friend of mine works for her local one (also ex addicts, been clean 30 years). They will know the places where your friend can get shelter, help her get a flat, give her the support.

This link might help www.rehab-online.org.uk/england-drug-and-alcohol-residential-rehab.aspx

Original poster

Stickybuns52 · 14/12/2019 09:12

Thank you very much for your advice. It is really hard!

OP posts:

TuttiCutie · 14/12/2019 09:30

Absolutely no.

You don't know she's telling the truth, you haven't seen her in a few years, and you can't risk having a heroin addict in your house with your children.

If she wants to reinstate contact/rebuild your friendship - then meet for coffee and build up slowly, but having her move in with you after not seeing her for a few years would be utterly irresponsible and bonkers.

SquareAsABlock · 14/12/2019 09:34

Didn't you post something similar yesterday? Perhaps I'm confusing threads.

GoldenFlaps · 14/12/2019 09:39

I wouldn't be risking it if I were you. If you haven't seen her for years you have no idea what her life is like, just what she's telling you. The cynic in me says she's used up all her other contacts, that's why she's turned to you now.

Ponoka7 · 14/12/2019 10:44

How long has she been clean?

Where was she living?

Kanga83 · 14/12/2019 10:47

The cynic in me would be saying has she nowhere else because she has burned too many bridges with others and untrustworthy, the mother in me- not a chance in hell would she be coming in my house with my children sleeping in it for the risk of drugs in the house, theft.

IM0GEN · 14/12/2019 10:48

Do exactly what @dudsville and @RobinBlues say. And everyone else in fact.

Do not let her move in with you, even if you think she’s clean. Offer support from a safe distance from your children .

Don’t give her money, whatever plausible reason she come up with.

MarieG10 · 14/12/2019 11:03

Good god...don't let her anywhere you your family and house.

Sad as it is, drug addictions are hard to kick and she is better in supported housing. If she needs somewhere to crash she is still in a bad place and u will be her support. When she has stolen all your belongings and sold them you will wish you hadn't ever heard from her

Provincialbelle · 14/12/2019 11:05

Hell will be unleashed if she lives with you, take it from one who knows.

IM0GEN · 14/12/2019 11:23

When she has stolen all your belongings and sold them you will wish you hadn't ever heard from her

That will be the least of your worries when her dealers are at your door looking for money .

Or when she leaves her kit around the house, your kids see it and tell their granny / teacher, then you will have social services at your door.

CakeandCustard28 · 14/12/2019 11:25

I’m an ex addict who managed to get clean and I still wouldn’t risk it espically such a hard drug it’s so hard to kick. She’d be better off in supportive housing, not around kids.

PudOnFire · 14/12/2019 11:28

Absolutely not.

That’s a massive ask from you, for one thing.

Personally, in order to rebuild the friendship, i would need to meet up and slowly get to know her again to be able to measure the situation and whether she is really clean. Crashing back in to your life and expecting to move in with your family is way too much, too soon.

Sadly, I do have experience of this. I had an old friend with supposedly historic addiction issues stay over for a weekend...and found her jacking up in my bathroom. It was a horrible situation to be in. I had to ask her to leave and felt pretty heartbroken by it.

Ponoka7 · 14/12/2019 11:37

The reason that I was asking was because she may have been asked to leave because she was back using.

Anotheronetwo · 14/12/2019 11:38

Definitely don't let her stay with you, but you could express that you'd like to stay in touch more if that's something you would like to do. If she is clean, a friend away from those she has been using with could be really helpful to her. Just keep your boundaries clear.

Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 11:40

No. It would break my heart but I would say no.

Are you in touch with any of her family? What practical help does she need. Is she homeless, could you try and find her other help?

Your children are too important - you don’t know this person as an adult and she will have changed so much (so will you).

SEe what you can Do to help that doesn’t involved her staying,

RB68 · 14/12/2019 11:41

you need to find a way to help that doesn't involve risk to you and yours - if you are able pay for a couple of nights in a hostel or B&B if you think she is clean and get her on the ladder to get help elsewhere.

PurpleFrames · 14/12/2019 11:42

I'm an addict in early recovery- some of the comments here are depressing and make you realise how judged you are for a mental illness...

Anyway-
I'd say no because you've been estranged and don't know much about her life. It could be really good for your kids to have an anti drug role model in their lives, triumph over adversity and all that. But if she is still struggling it's better she's in a supportive environment.

There's a lot of supportive rehab type accommodation but it isn't easy to get into. Perhaps you can help her with looking for that?

Another side piece of advice, lots of local charities will help furnish a flat or provide clothes for interviews etc. If she's not ready to work again they can offer volunteering to build self esteem.

Personally I wouldn't give any cash, but perhaps vouchers are a compromise if you need to give gifts or want to help in the future. Eg Asda voucher... Argos etc

RobinBlues · 14/12/2019 12:18

On that link I put earlier it says if there are, and how many vacancies there are at each place.

You really need to contact people that are experienced and know how to deal with people in your friends situation.

Going into it blindly could do more harm than good.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread