Mum issues

[sadthewaylifeturnedout]

I am in my late 20s and married. Growing up I had a difficult relationship with my mum who openly favoured my brother. He was also not academic and generally a lot more reliant on their help than I was. Our relationship somewhat improved when I was a teenager but has subsequently gone downhill as I studied and settled in another country.

My brother on the other hand still lives at home and works for my dad. My mum completely dotes on him and will often make comparisons of success. He saved £20k last year etc type things. I very much feel like I'm a satellite child and that I'm being penalised for my success and independence. Despite the fact that I'm in an enviable position for my age (husband and I together are making 6 figures) I often am made to feel like a complete failure.

I end up trying to overexplain everything and that causes arguments. She also repeatedly drops commentary over how her friends kids are multi-millionaires and how an employee won't ever be able to make that sort of money. Basically every time I spend significant amounts of time with her I feel like a failure and a disappointment.

I really want to fix our relationship but I don't know how?

You can't fix it. It's sad but she's got a Golden Child and it's not you. Narcissist springs to mind.

You need to let go of her....in your mind. She's your Mother yes but she puts you down...so that really devalues the rest of the stuff doesn't it?

You could b me op

@BillHadersNewWife she thinks she's been a great mother as financially she's been very supportive (with deposit etc). I feel gratitude for that but I also end up feeling extremely resentful of the constant references to my brother. She literally described him as 'a saint' the other day. I don't know what to do.

@MentalHealth101 how have you dealt with it?

Lowered my expectations and realised that I didn’t cause this weird dynamics so can’t control it and can’t cure it.

Unless your mother wants to change things you can’t change her. But for now you can create emotional space for you to be able to live at peace while maintaining a controlled relationship with her that doesn’t deteriorate your mental health.

It’s not you. It’s her. She has issues of her own and she is protecting that into you. With time you might stop seeking her approval.

I’m not fully there. Still working on it. So don’t take my word for it I’m still in a long journey

You handle it OP by realising how successful you are! As a person in your own right who doesn't need validation for your efforts. You broke out of the mould and went and conquered your own goals and you should be very proud of yourself.Parental approval is nice but not neccessary for a happy life! You sound way stronger than your brother in every way.Maybe look upon it as she has to keep pandering to him because he is weak....He hasn't left home...He hasnt gone out in the big wide world.moved around and succeeded like you have.He has been given a job by your dad...Maybe your mum has to keep on about him because she is a bit disappointed in him that he has never been able to achieve independance....I would hazard a guess she is very proud of you but feels her loyalties have to lay with the one who needs her so much and she maybe sees him and compares him to you but inside maybe feels like she failed with him on some level? So guilt however misplaced seems to be at the route of all this...She over compensates for him because he is not you ! I would say to get on with your own life and do not expect much from them.It is sad but you can do it. Trust yourself and carry on out there in the world on your own path and be proud of yourself.You sound well savvy and smart and you know as much as you would like their approval you can make it in life without it..and you know this cos you have been doing it all along! Be happy for yourself and ignore as much as you can.The way your mum is says far more about her than it ever does about you....Your brother is not the golden one...he is the weak one,the needy one the one who is chained to your parents in a way your own pride could never allow...thats what you need to remember.You carry yourself let your parents carry him..he needs it you don't! I bet if you ever got to the route cause of all your angst you would find your parents are proud of you and wished your brother was more like you but they will never say it,they can't. You are winning at life lovely,let it go and accept the relationship for what it is.Your mum feels you do not need protecting as you are strong and independant.She cannot say the same for your brother and that must gall her inside. How do I know this....cos you are me and your brother is mine and for years he has been tied way too close tot he apron strings cos he cant/wont make it on his own and I get the grief too! Now I am nearly 50 I see it so clearly...the root of why my mum is like she is ,is to try to cover her own embarrassment and sense of failure...its all too ridiculous for words! I can see it for what it is now and I can afford to be generous and forgive but it does come with a feeling of pity. I pity he and him cos they have missed so much of me by being as they are.They arent bad people they just are who they are.