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17 replies

hrazorbl · 13/12/2019 20:55

Ive namechanged as don't want this to be on my posting history.

My DD is 7 and I'm not with her dad. I split up with him when I found out I was pregnant. Just before she broke up for the summer holidays she hit someone at school. She told me that she told her dad that people where being mean to her and he told her to stick up for herself and hit them. He said it wouldn't happen again. Over the past few weeks her behaviour hasn't been very good. But tonight it was time for her to go to bed and she refused and then she told me to fuck off. I told her that it was a naughty word and that she shouldn't say it but she said her dad said that to someone.

What should I do?

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CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 13/12/2019 21:05

I don't see a big problem. Was your daughter being bullied? Then I think having the confidence to stand up for herself is good, although it depends on what they did/said of course.

And it's not ideal but adults do swear. Tell her she is not to swear but its the reality. I've sworn occasionally around my my DCs when younger, I'd say oh sorry mummy said the naughty word. No big deal.

Have a word with him about being more language aware. But I think this is ultimately about better communication between the both of you.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 13/12/2019 21:06

And I think you dealt with the bedtime incident well.

Mylittlerainbow · 13/12/2019 21:09

Have a word with her dad as he may not look at things from your perspective and realise he is talking to a child who absorbs things.

For example, a couple of years back my DSD told my DP (her dad) that someone at school hit her, and he said (semi joking) "why didn't you hit them back?"... I had the conversation with DP and he thought nothing of it as 'she's only young, she knows not to go around hitting people'... well not 2 weeks later, her cousin did something she didn't like and DSD hit her.

My DP hadn't thought anything of a throw away comment until I made him see how impressionable DSD was, combined with her follow up actions. He then sat DSD down and had a conversation about other ways of sticking up for yourself, and that you can't always get your own way etc...

Maybe your XP is the same. It could have been completely innocent. Dads tend to think kids will automatically know right from wrong (ie know what words not to repeat) so need a little pointing in the right direction. Don't go in all guns blazing this time, just have a quiet word.

Booboostwo · 13/12/2019 21:11

The hitting back is not my style of parenting but it is difficult to coparent if you don’t agree on everything. I would be tempted to tell her that the right response is to ask for help from a teacher, parent or other adult and that you and her dad don’t always give the same advice.

The swearing she’s going to come across more and more. I tell my DCs all the swear words but also tell them that intention matters and they should not use them if intending to insult or upset someone because that is mean.

Back2Bali · 13/12/2019 21:12

Yikes! Tough one.. I think all kids should stick up for themselves but dont go out of my way to encourage it... some kids get walked over... bless them

I would not tolerate that language though my ds is 14 and he wouldnt dare cuss in front of DH and I.. he once said shit when he was 7 and we told him off for it, I didnt make a huge thing of it though just told him it's a bad word and asked where he heard it.... (my sisters house!!) Explained it was naughty and that he had lost an hour tv and I've honestly only ever heard him swear maybe 3 times since

hrazorbl · 13/12/2019 21:12

No she wasn't being bullied. Some other children where leaving her out of their game and telling her to leave them alone.

I'm angry about her swearing because he swore in front of her and she said he hit someone.

If I speak to him about not swearing in front of her he probably would disagree or something.

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hrazorbl · 13/12/2019 21:32

I also don't want her to think swearing/hitting is OK. And I know he hasn't been telling her that what she does is naughty because she did something the other day and I told her she shouldn't do it and she said that he didn't tell her off for it so it isn't naughty

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hrazorbl · 14/12/2019 08:20

And today he is going to see him. I don't want him to but he probably argue or something

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GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/12/2019 08:30

Rather than calling him out on it be neutral, say "DD told me to fuck off last night. I've told her it's naughty and that children shouldn't use words like that but I think we need to try and be careful with what we say around her as she's getting to an age now where she'll just pick up on everything."

At 7, though, your daughter knows fuck off is swearing and she's done it to push your buttons.
Don't go to war, you need him on side.

hrazorbl · 14/12/2019 09:28

I'm going to speak to him later. I'm just angry at him. Especially because the past few weeks her behaviour hasn't been very good and I don't think he doesn't tell her off.

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areyouafraidofthedark · 14/12/2019 09:34

I tell my children is someone hits them first then of course they can hit a person back. The swearing thing is something your DD has picked up on. Your ex might of had a slip of the tongue. I've swore occasionally in front of my kids when I'm mad or done something wrong. As long as your DD knows it's wrong to swear that's all you can do.

hrazorbl · 14/12/2019 09:38

The other children weren't hitting her they were leaving her out of their game.

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ShawshanksRedemption · 14/12/2019 10:23

There's self defence, then there's hitting back out of anger. The first won't get your child into trouble, the second one will. Don't teach kids to retaliate. As an adult if you retaliated you could be on an assault charge so help them start understanding at school that retaliation is not the right thing to do.

@hrazorbl excluding a child from a group is a form of bullying, mainly favoured by girls. I would have a chat with her teacher as to how she is getting on with her peers generally, and find out if she need support in this area.

As for swearing like she did - zero tolerance. But she is obviously unhappy and confused; have you spoken to her about how she is feeling?

It doesn't sound like you have a positive parenting relationship with her dad. Are you able to talk to him about what happened, just giving the facts about how your child's struggling to handle things at the moment? Maybe talking about how she is feeling to him, after you have spoken to her about it?

ShawshanksRedemption · 14/12/2019 10:24

Sorry @hrazorbl this bit was meant for others telling their kids to hit back (not you):

There's self defence, then there's hitting back out of anger. The first won't get your child into trouble, the second one will. Don't teach kids to retaliate. As an adult if you retaliated you could be on an assault charge so help them start understanding at school that retaliation is not the right thing to do.

areyouafraidofthedark · 14/12/2019 11:24

If someone hit me of course I'm going to defend myself and hit back. I'm teaching my children the same, to stand up for themselves. Fuck the consequences!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/12/2019 12:44

How often does he have her? Is he playing good cop and leaving the discipline to you?

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/12/2019 13:36

@areyouafraidofthedark As I said, self defence is different to retaliation.

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