AIBU to be miffed when OH decides to tidy up if it means not watching over our DD

[Tothemoonandbackx]

Basically whenever I get a spare five minutes to tidy a bit of the house up, all of a sudden, my OH springs into action and walks out of the room and starts doing odd jobs, (mainly ones that don't desperately need doing) leaving me with DD and not really being able to properly do what needs doing (she's just turned 1 and is walking) as I'm focused on the mini tornado wreaking havoc and causing destruction wherever she goes. I've mentioned it to him before, why he can't leave his jobs till another time as the dishes need doing rather than cutting the grass....after it's rained for example. Does anyone elses OH do this??? He never says why he needs to do it, just carries on doing it. He clearly knows that I'm about to do a bit of tidying/cleaning. He never seems bothered to do these jobs when DD is asleep during the day or when she's out with her Grandparents....I know some will say, well at least he's getting off of his arse and doing jobs, but it seems more like he's avoiding looking after our DD than actually wanting to help out around the house.

Oh I’ve got one of these. Drives me bonkers. He also tries to take over jobs I’ve started doing; this is when he gets snapped at and told it would have been helpful to have done the job earlier if he could see it needed doing not trying to ease his conscious over being a lazy arse when I’ve already started.

I’m afraid I’ve no solution just solidarity.

My husband and I never leave the room to do something (cleaning, making food, taking a shower, etc) without saying where we are going, it's just how we are as we don't want the other person getting "baby trapped" without having had the chance to have a wee or something. :D

So in this case, I would have said "someone needs to do the washing up; you can either do that or watch the baby while I do it"... Then at least if he had something else he thought was more important at that moment, we could discuss it, and you could say "OK, you do that but then I need you to feed DD her dinner while I do the kitchen".

He is getting out of looking after your DD.

You need to start telling him that xyz needs doing and it's the choice of him doing it, or watching your DD.

@Cornettoninja at least I'm not alone then, 🙈 why do they feel the need to do this, I've been thinking back, and he's been doing it for a while, I've just never really noticed so much as I have these past few weeks, what with my Dd's recent birthday and sorting out the christmas decs, now that's a whole other story xx

@BeanTownNancy I'm really going to have to start doing that, I don't want to come across as if I'm desperate to leave my DD, but housework just doesn't do itself (properly anyway), and if it takes me having to let him know what I'm going to be doing before I leave the room, I'll have to do it, that way he's got a choice and probably won't end up feeling like he's being left with her. He's a good dad, but I think he can't wait for her to be older, so it's easier to entertain her l and that's why he doesn't seem to want to be left alone with her xx

Get in there first and announce ‘I’m going to do x, y, z. I’ll leave you two alone to spend some quality time together as you look like you’ve got everything under control here’ and run away.

On a practical note, is a soft toy plan pen an option? To keep her safe while you do housework?

@Ponoka7 I really think so to, when she's not here, he doesn't just randomly start tidying or doing odd jobs when I start doing then too. I'm going to do what you and a pp have mentioned and let him know what wants/needs doing and either give him a choice of watching DD or doing the job/s Xx

Mine used to do this when ours were small. But usually he would suddenly need a poo and take about half an hour, thinking I wouldn't notice 😂

Well...I would much prefer tidying than looking after a young child. And I hate tidying. Looking after a young child is much harder IMO.

Saying that, your DH shouldn’t get the choice to opt out and leave the harder job to you!

I'm going to do what you and a pp have mentioned and let him know what wants/needs doing and either give him a choice of watching DD or doing the job/s

Oh no! Don’t do this - he’ll pick the easy option of housework. The harder jobs should be done evenly so there’s no resentment.

I’d say “I’m going to wash the dishes/whatever job, you can hang out with DD.”

DH and I have a timetable, separated into 3-hourly slots, showing who's looking after our 1-year-old. So, for example, I know tomorrow I'm free until 10am, then I have the baby until 4pm when DH takes over for dinner and bedtime. It's the only way for us, otherwise I'd end up holding the baby all the time I was at home!

I just tell mine "I need you to watch x so I can sort the kitchen". Sometimes he will offer to wash up but that means literally just wash up... no wiping sides, clearing table, putting anything away etc. Same with hoovering. He will pick DDs toys up off the floor, onto sofa, hoover and then put the same toys back onto floor rather than anything going away!!!! His reason is "I said I would hoover not tidy"

Is he confident with dc? Perhaps he’s scared of hurting her or that she will cry and he’ll be upset as he never wants his darling daughter to be upset etc? (Some wooses er I mean men can be like that).

Maybe you just need to force him to interact with her. And if he does the ‘she wants you not me’ shite just reminder him that it’s only coz he doesn’t watch her enough and he needs to do it more and she’ll be happier to play with him without you.
Can he change nappies or settle her confidently? If not then I reckon I’m right.

Pre-empt him. ‘I’m just going to do......’ If he starts to get up to go and do his thing, definitely tell him ‘No, I’m off to do ......, so you need to watch the baby’. Be poker player like, don’t give signals that you’re going to get up/leave the room.

One hundred percent he is trying to avoid watching the little one. Gives me such a rage, as guys like this seem to think we don't know what they're doing. It's disrespectful and arrrogant. I have 3 dc, one of which a preschooler and one of which a toddler. My stbxh always used to 'have to tidy the garden/clear up in the garage/go get this or that from the DIY store' when we were both at home. Consequently, it was me stuck in the revolving door of providing food, washing up, changing diapers, making sure nobody was about to hurt themselves etc. Like you, OP, my sthxh had an uncanny knack of knowing when I was about to bolt from the room - "Where are you going?" and "I need to go do x,y or z". See also saying loudly in a very irritated tone to one of the children "I don't KNOW where mummy has gone", as if I had sneaked off to eat bonbons or sit in a hot tub instead of folding the laundry or tidying bedrooms. GAH. Controlling much?!

@HeckyPeck is right though, I often give my husband the choice, but that's because in my experience he does his fair share of both. But sometimes if I'm just done with the baby and want 10 minutes to myself, he doesn't get a choice. :D

I like the phrase 'baby trapped', is very apt!

Mine spends lots of time batch cooking elaborate recipes from scratch, which, in one way, is lovely. But sometimes I would like to have baby free time and cook myself!