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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU re being annoyed about lack of support with IVF

26 replies

EL8888 · 13/12/2019 01:20

I have a long-term friend of 30+ years, we would refer to each other as best friends. My partner and I have been trying to conceive for over 1.5 years and have got nowhere. We recently did a cycle of IVF which failed and understandably we were gutted by this. I was / am quite upset by it all and expected support from her. I messaged her about 1.5 weeks ago, saying what had happened and how l felt. No response at all and l can tell she has read it. For clarity we don’t talk on the phone, as she claims she is “too busy” for phonecalls

I have supported her through relationship breakdowns, bereavements, fertility issues etc. She became a worse friend when she got married. l got married the following year and she showed little interest in my hen do, despite me single handedly organising hers and she didn’t even bother coming to my hen do. Her effort levels have deteriorated even more in recent years, she claims having 2 children makes her too busy and she can’t do anything. If l hadn’t made effort, we wouldn’t have seen each other for around 5 years.

To compound all of this, she is very keen to make clear she thinks my life is so much “easier” than hers. For example I mentioned l felt low about our fertility issues so l had arranged a few days out and a weekend away. Her response was “l wish l could do that but l spend so much money on childcare”. I can’t drag myself out of bed as l feel rough from fertility drugs (which didn’t ultimately work), she thinks she has it harder as she has to get up earlier than me etc etc

Ultimately l don’t feel lm being very unreasonable and now unsure what to do next. Option A is ghost her and option B is tell her lm sick of her being a shit friend and see you later. The problem is her insight is so poor, l don’t think there is any point in talking to her. In the past when l have tried to talk to her about her behaviour, then she has taken zero responsibility and been very keen to tell me how it’s not her fault. How hard she has it etc etc. Meaning option A is the way to go l suppose

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2019 01:31

It sounds like your friendship might have run its course.

What was the reason she didn’t come to your hen do? Was she a bridesmaid for you?

I’d just be a bit aware about transferring your anger and grief about your ivf not working on your your friend and make sure you’re breaking up with her for the right reasons.

Sorry you’re having trouble conceiving. It’s a rubbish situation to be in. Flowers

Mwnci123 · 13/12/2019 01:35

She doesn't sound like a very considerate friend, really. Perhaps you have grown apart?

Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 01:38

@PurpleDaisies yep it feels that way doesn’t it?

She didn’t come on the hen do as she was pregnant. But even before she found out she was pregnant, then she showed zero interest from the beginning and l had to organise it all myself. I had no bridesmaids as we eloped abroad, then had a party on our return

I have been annoyed at her for about 3-4 years. This isn’t transference about our fertility issues. Her latest bit of shit friend behaviour is the final nail in the coffin really

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/12/2019 01:43

There are a fair few things you’ve said that could be viewed through a more friendly lens if you wanted to (not going on a hen do while pregnant, childcare costs are ridiculous etc) but it sounds like she’s so insensitive that she hasn’t earned the benefit of the doubt.

If it’s been about four years of feeling like this, you’re better off not having her in your life.

Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 02:11

The hen do was viewed with zero interest or interaction from the off -way before she became pregnant. I don’t there is much benefit of the doubt for someone strong arming their own pity party into someone else struggling so consistently. She’s never taken fertility drugs, so can’t comment on how “easy” it is or isn’t for me. I wouldn’t (if the boot was on the other foot) follow up someone mentioning they were finding it hard to conceive but were trying to be positive and doing some stuff. With complaining about the cost of childcare, it’s rather tactless and self absorbed

The 3-4 years thing is probably from when she pulled a stunt where l was left hundreds of pounds out of pocket. After l purchased tickets and then the week before she decided she didn’t want to go or pay for the tickets. Her husband magically went but with some other friends and didn’t pay for his ticket either

OP posts:
1300cakes · 13/12/2019 02:44

In general yanbu but it's a bit weird to be annoyed at this particular thing, when she hasn't been a friend to you in five years. Why would you expect her to have a complete turn around now? For whatever reason, she doesn't want to be close friends any more (as of five years ago) and has downgraded you to acquaintance. It sucks but all you can do is move on.

FlashesOfRage · 13/12/2019 03:09

Just let her go. Quietly with no confrontation.

Put yourself first finally. You’ve let this friend have it her way too long and she doesn’t deserve you.

What you’re going through is shitty. The best thing you can do is focus your energy on friends who you can trust to support you during this time.
30+yrs or not you don’t need anyone like this in your life ❤️❤️❤️

Fightingmycorner2019 · 13/12/2019 06:42

Meh it’s run it’s course , sadly
Mentally compartmentalise and stop contacting her
Put you precious energy elsewhere
Also look
For local support groups for IVF Flowers

Blackbear19 · 13/12/2019 06:54

I'd let her go, don't contact her, don't confront, don't make a scene.
Sounds like the friendship has run its course. Wait for her to contact you. If she ever does you can decide if you want to resume contact or not. But don't waste any more time on her.

user1493413286 · 13/12/2019 06:56

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/12/2019 07:00

It sounds like you have grown apart and it’s naturally coming to an end.

The hen do is a red herring, I’d not be attend or organising one for someone eloping abroad. I doubt most people would as a hen do is part of a wedding that you are invited too.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/12/2019 07:03

She is not a friend. You deserve better. Don’t be swayed by having a long history with her, it’s not a free pass for treating you like shit.

Good luck with the rest of IVF.

Stressedout10 · 13/12/2019 08:19

Going to play devil's advocate here.
1st you say that she had her own fertility issues and that she was pregnant during your hen do and disinterested with it before, so what you're really saying is that she was going through fertility problems and trying to get pregnant whilst you were planning your hen do, and then got pregnant so she didn't go.
Surely you can understand that planning someone's hen do whilst going through fertility issues would be very hard and and not the sort of stress that would be conducive to a successful outcome ie a viable pregnancy? Also noone wants to go to a hen do when pregnant!
2nd. Having kids is very expensive especially childcare, and draining both physically and emotionally, so she will have less time than she used to.
I'm sorry op but you sound quite selfish really expecting her to offer you all the support you need but really how much support did you offer her whilst you were planning a hen do and wedding whilst she was trying to conceive? Yet you expect her to support you whilst you judge her for saying that she has her own problems really?

Obligatorync · 13/12/2019 08:21

She's not a friend any longer. The comment about childcare alone is an absolute horror.
I'd not bother getting in touch, if she asks what the problem is, I'd tell her.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2019 08:24

Why have you continued to push what is essentially a 1 way friendship OP. Doesn’t sound like she’s particularly bothered with you so save your energy and move on a her loss

Actionhasmagic · 13/12/2019 08:26

Not a friend - ditch her

Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 09:56

@1300cakes because it’s been such a brutal experience and naively as l supported her through fertility issues then l expected the same....

@Stressedout10 lm afraid you are wide of the mark with that theory. Her fertility issues were the following year. So there is no back story of me demanding phone conferences about willy shaped straws and Marbella vs. Magaluf! The following year or so l offered her a lot of lot of support with her fertility issues with messages, phone calls etc. Conversely when l arranged her hen do l was juggling shifts, a dissertation, work and moving house. So did have my work cut out, especially as the other bridesmaid didn’t do anything

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 09:59

@Obligatorync yeah other friends thought the childcare costs comment was especially tasteless and uncalled for

Ok. So it does appear that l should just vacate this sham friendship. Like l said she doesn’t ever listen or take any feedback so yeah this will be a quiet parting

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 13/12/2019 09:59

Having been through IVF myself (also failed) you have my every sympathy.

Your so called friend sounds like a selfish, self absorbed idiot. Just cease contact and if she does ultimately get in contact either ghost or play it very cool so she gets the message.

Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 10:07

@TestingTestingWonTooFree thanks xx

@OnlyFoolsnMothers l was just trying to make the effort but accidentally made 98% of the effort in the friendship. Increasingly lm of the opinion effort needs to be made on both sides, one person shouldn’t be carrying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 13/12/2019 10:08

@Youngatheart00 yep it’s brutal isn’t it, you have my sympathies 😔

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 13/12/2019 10:17

Just don't message her again. I'd say you won't hear from her and that will be the end of it.

1300cakes · 13/12/2019 10:21

because it’s been such a brutal experience

I know but she is a friend from five years ago. Who these days is just openly rude to you (the childcare comments). Definitely time to move on.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2019 10:29

I’ve had friendships that I felt were one sided- I stopped making the effort- I have real friends who I could devote more time too. Good luck OP

ohprettybaby · 13/12/2019 10:30

Just quietly let the friendship go. Don't confront her. YABU to have not said something previously if you've been annoyed with her for 3-4 years. It may be that they have been trying to let the friendship go so not contacted you.