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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

When to tell?

12 replies

adviceneededon · 13/12/2019 00:04

Name changed as don't want to be too outing.

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this but I have a 7, almost 8yo who thinks someone else is her dad. And her elder sister also thinks said person is their sisters dad.

To put into context, eldest knows who her dad is (ex husband). She saw him until she was around 3 and then it dropped off until nothing. She remembers us living alone. During this time I (stupidly) had a one night stand which resulted in her little sister. Very early on, little sisters dad said he wanted no involvement so I went it alone. That's how it stayed until youngest was 14 months, oldest just under 4 when I met my partner.

Both girls call my partner by his name (been together 6 ish years), never dad. But recently my eldest commented that little sister has the same eye colour as her dad. Wrongly, I had presumed that eldest would remember our alone time and therefore wouldn't presume partner was sisters dad.

I'm from a family with skeletons in closets.
Both grandparents grew up thinking their dads were biologically theirs only to find out later they wasn't so ive said right from the beginning that the girls need to know the truth. But...when's the right time? I've never needed to correct my eldest as she's not raised it, but I can't mislead her. But if I tell her, she will tell her sister who is very young minded for her age. There's no doubting I will tell them, because I will...but how and when? Has anyone else been in this situation? Be kind please.

OP posts:
Firstawake · 13/12/2019 07:00

Tell the truth to both asap, the younger you tell the better imo.
They will process it at there own level of development.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 07:23

Yeah tell them sooner rather than later.

TeenPlusTwenties · 13/12/2019 08:24

I'd tell her this Christmas holidays, but after Christmas.
She's just about still young enough that you can get away with it without a massive ongoing fallout, especially as she doesn't have a 'wrong dad' in the picture.
I've adopted, we have 'life story books' for our DC and are encouraged to bring them up 'knowing'.

This is how I'd do it:

I'd get some pictures out, and do some reminiscing. I'd be quite tempted to drop it in in a 'I've told you this before, what you've forgotten, oh sorry I should have been mentioning it more often' way if you think you can get away with it.

But anyway:
Oh this holiday was the last with BigSis Dad. At that time we were living in X. then after we split up BigSis and I moved to Y. One day I met your Dad Z. He seemed really nice but when I told him I was expecting you he couldn't cope so I just had the two of you on my own until when you were 14months when I met Pete.

You could draw a picture of a windy road with houses on and events marked and little stick people for BigSis Dad, LilSis Dad and current partner. Stress what a good man Pete. leave the girls with the drawings so they can look and refer to it.

When done move on to something else, try not to make it a big deal.

She might have questions or might just go oh. But be prepared for questions to emerge later (eg can I see him).

TeenPlusTwenties · 13/12/2019 08:28

Alternatively work backwards:

Did I ever tell you about when Pete and I met? You were 4 and you were 14 months...… it was so nice because after BigSis dad left when she was only 2, and then LilSis' Dad wasn't interested when I was expecting her, it was lovely to have a kind dependable man.....

TeenPlusTwenties · 13/12/2019 08:29

It's actually good that younger one is 'young' as she will be less able to twig that she should have known this before.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 09:09

amazing that the suggestion above is to gaslight your own children

adviceneededon · 13/12/2019 09:15

Thank you everyone. It's never been my intention to lie or mislead and I genuinely thought my eldest wouldn't assume my partner was youngest dad. Like I said, they both call him "pete" and have never queried why they don't call him dad.

I'd decided to tell the youngest when she was old enough to process it. She's a very young 7yo even though she's about to turn 8. But now my eldest believes my partner is her sisters dad, there seems to be a bit of an urgency before it gets too deep. My partner is very much with me on this, but we both acknowledge both of them may be quite hurt and confused.

My youngest dad also has gone on to get married and have two children, so she also has half siblings somewhere and I have this added extra to explain. Not sure how I say he didn't want her at that time, but now has two children.

It's all a bit of a confusing mess Sad

OP posts:
BalsamicVin · 13/12/2019 09:19

"it was so nice because after BigSis dad left when she was only 2, and then LilSis' Dad wasn't interested when I was expecting her, it was lovely to have a kind dependable man....."

Are you actually serious?! Saying that to two small children?!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/12/2019 09:21

Don't say he didn't want her.
Tell her things were confusing and that the two of you didn't love each other and then he met a lady who he does love so he moved away.

Don't tell her anything negative about him. Try to remain as neutral as possible.

adviceneededon · 13/12/2019 09:27

Oh yes of course @GiveHerHellFromUs I wouldn't paint him in a bad light when I'm just as bad for not being upfront. The timing just wasn't right for him, whereas I already had a child, I was financially stable and I knew I would be ok.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 13/12/2019 11:11

Yes, my wording wasn't great, but you get the idea. You need to be truthful but in a positive way. 'the timing wasn't right for him' is a fine explanation at their current age. But the main thing is you do need to tell them and the sooner the better. Don't make it out to be a 'big reveal'. And then you do need to keep the info 'alive' so they don't forget again.

selmabear · 13/12/2019 11:25

Difficult situation for you OP. I'd be as honest with them as I possibly could for their age and understanding. Don't say little white lies or dress up the truth with glitter and confetti, just be as honest as you can. Good luck.

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