Ex husband and his family

[Gloopygoggins]

I've been separated from my ex husband for 6 years. During the marriage he was quite manipulative but it took me a while to see what was happening and to get the strength to leave. We have two daughters who have both been diagnosed with asd, and anxiety some time after the split. I always hoped, naively perhaps, that he wouldn't treat the girls the same way he treated me and I encouraged them to see him. My eldest stopped seeing him as she said she felt unsafe. The youngest still visited once a week but about 18 months ago came home in tears saying she couldn't do it anymore. He'd been leaning on her emotionally, telling her he was so lonely he wanted to kill himself, and had been forcing her to watch scary films in order to 'make her grow up'. She was 10.
Since then neither of the girls have wanted anything to do with him and as time's gone on they've shared more manipulative stuff that had upset them.
His family contacted social services saying I wasn't looking after the girls and that I had to force them to see their dad. Despite our experience with social services being chaotic and largely unhelpful, they did agree that I was doing everything that can be done and that the girls had the right to choose who they see. Their dad has sent a few letters over the past 6 months but that seems to have ground to a halt. I tried to facilitate some contact with his sister but that also did not go well. She refused to accept the difficulties the girls have or the the way they feel. They now don't want to see any of their dad's family.
The girls are both content with their decision. They want no contact, nor do they want me to contact the family about anything concerning them. I however am tying myself in knots. I suspect some of this is because of the way the manipulation affected me during the marriage. I lost a lot of confidence and feel quite scared of him and his family although I know this is irrational.
So I'll finally get to the point. Am I being unreasonable to send no Christmas cards or thanks for presents received? The girls always open the presents but to be honest it just upsets them, and even if it's something they would normally love they usually want to give it straight to the thrift. I have no desird to e in contact. They have all said some awful things about me. But is it ok to send nothing at all?

Yup. It's fine. Just block them all. Ask the girls if they'd like you to deal with the presents - keep for another day, open and give away etc.

You should send the presents back. Otherwise they will keep coming.

No need for any contact.

You/they can always pick it up again in the future if desired.

I don't think you should accept presents if 1) you don't want them and 2) you'll feel beholden to your ex's family.

Taking the presents sends the wrong message, you need to be clear that the girls have asked for no contact. If they change their minds they're free to contact them but until then ex and his family need to respect their wishes.

They sound awful and don't have your daughters best interests at heart.

Send nothing.

Tell the relatives the girls don't want presents from them, and send them back if they turn up.

Your concern are your girls not him or his family.

We went nc with my exh and his family in very similar circumstances. My twins were 10 and came home saying they didn't want to see him. For a while I tried to keep contact open with exmil but it was just hassle.

Contact them saying you would prefer them not to send gifts and leave it at that. If they send something either return it or donate it to refuge.

Follow your daughters' lead here. Tell ex's family that your daughters don't want contact, and send all cards, letters and presents back.

You can review it with your daughters now and again if they feel comfortable with that.
Good luck.

YANBU, and you don't have to feel guilty for protecting your daughters.
Think about it; how bad was it for them that they don't even want to keep the gifts they like?

I would not send the gifts back, as that would be engaging with them. What may be needed here is to go nc.

I would quietly take the gifts to a charity shop.

Not unreasonable at all.

I have no contact with my father or his side of my family. I find any contact from him/them very distressing. He does not know where I live but he sends cards every birthday and Christmas to my mother, addressed to me. I have thrown or given away perfectly good items he has sent as gifts because they remind me of him. He is a sinister presence in my life I do not want continually hanging over me.

I know at times my mum has felt conflicted about what to do regarding gifts and that I don't have a father I have a relationship with or how to handle this. What did she owe him and me? What was the nice thing to do?

At the end of the day it is not about being nice but the girls and I would be guided by their wishes regarding contact/gifts. Better to have an open and honest conversation with them and act on their wishes.

I prefer not to be told when things arrive for me as then he's not constantly reminding me he exists or making me feel that he can still get to me or is thinking of me. I don't want to think about him, or know I am in his twisted thoughts and that after all this time he is still trying to pull me back in so he can hurt me further. I don't want his gift or money, nor the hassle of trying to decide what to do about his actions, as I should not have to give him any mental energy. I should not have to be considering him at all. It sounds like your daughters feel the same way, but best to discuss it with them.

My mum has decided to keep the cards/gifts for if I ever want them but I have said I do not. I don't care what she does with them. I'd be cross if she were sending cards to or thanking people who have hurt me. She would essentially thanking them for upsetting me by continuing unwanted contact, all out of a misplaced sense of politeness or social duty. I love my mother and she is very caring, but she worries too much about doing the nice thing and that can actually end up being hurtful to her and others she loves, as some people do not deserve politeness or niceties. The usual social rules do not apply to them as they have already broken normal or healthy social contracts in appalling ways. I'd go as far as to say your ex's actions sound emotionally abusive, so I'm not all surprised by the reaction. I had the whole threatening to kill himself thing, too and I am just filled with dread by any sort of link or contact, even if it seems like a 'nice' thing. It's not to me due to the history, even sweet seeming cards feel evil as I know the motive behind is not loving but an desire to manipulate and harm. Might as well be a tarantula being sent in the mail, makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

Put the girls first. Listen to them. They'll thank you when they are older. Don't worry about the ex and his family or doing right by them. They are a toxic presence in your lives who you owe nothing to.

Sorry it's taken a while to get back to this..... the perils of single parenthood and kids that can't access school. Thank you all, your replies have been really helpful, and the voting conclusive. I will stick to the girls' wishes, and I'm happy to do so. I think it's highlighted that I need to work on my own confidence a bit more. A few of you have mentioned that I should return the presents, which is something that has been bothering me, but as @OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole points out, I'm worried about re opening contact with them.
Thank you @Helpfullilly for your reply. It was so helpful to see things from your perspective as an adult. I think this is exactly how the girls feel. Each time there is contact it reopens the wounds and they hurt all over again. I was told by social services that I should keep all the letters for the girls, and I will until they're a little older, but I will listen to them and support what ever choice they make in the future. For now I just want them to know that I have their backs and that they come first.