Am I right to be annoyed?

[Kate2020]

Hey
Husband and I have been TTC for last 5 months
He works away (about 2 hours away) and his work pay for a hotel so he is away Monday to Friday
At times he comes home mid week too as can sometimes work from home mid week but this is not every week
So I'm getting a bit frustrated with TTC and bought a clear blue ovulation test which lo and behold has come up with a high fertility day today
I was hoping we could spend time together over the weekend as a couple and as we are TTC
However DH now wants to go over to his parents who live 2 hours away (for the whole weekend including staying over night) as he 'hasn't seen them for a while' and wants to help them have a clear out/ tidy up before Christmas (they're both getting on a bit in age and not in the best of health)
We spent the weekend at theirs the weekend before last and are also planning to spend Christmas with them
Am I being unreasonable in getting upset about this? I said I'd like to have a quiet weekend but he doesn't seem to understand this and can't seem to appreciate my point of view that I'd like to just have couple time together
TMI but when we do go over to in laws we don't really have the privacy as their house is rather small

Why have a baby with this person? Do you really think he is going to suddenly start prioritising you (and his child) when baby is born?

If he can't be arsed with you now he won't be arsed when a baby comes along.

Well if its a high fertility day today it won't be by the weekend

Life has to happen too and if his parents need help, they need help. I understand you’re ttc, but putting too much pressure on it will also put too much pressure on your relationship in turn surely?

I think it’s a bit harsh to say he “can’t be arsed” with the OP because he wants to spend the weekend with his parents helping them out before Christmas. Do you have a room to sleep in at his parents’?

Think that first response is really harsh. TTC means different things to different people, in that some actively shag at every possible opportunity while ovulating and others are a little more relaxed. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him wanting to help his elderly parents out.

Surely if you’re fertile today you won’t be by the weekend anyway?

We usually sleep in the living room when we go over to their house because of space
His old room is a tiny box room with a single bed in
So like I said... no privacy

With regards to the fertility testing
It's the first time I use such a kit and it was flashing today so High fertility but my understanding is peak fertility is a few days later

DH knows about this and although he does want a child he doesn't seem too fussed about it not happening immediately

Even if you weren't TTC, it seems like you're not spending enough quality time together. I'd be hurt that he didn't care to spend more time as a couple. It's good that he cares about his parents, but you're his wife and deserve his time and attention, too.

Unless he has solid plans for changing his work lifestyle, I'd think long and hard before having a baby. Will you be happy and satisfied if the brunt of the child-rearing falls to you?

If his working pattern is like this I would get the monitor rather than tests as it shows the "pre peak" days, you may have had them on Sunday for example to give you the chance to get going then before he left for work as the sperm can live for several days.

I would also track on a spreadsheet so you can give him advance warning of weeks that would be good for him to wfh so maximise your windows.

However Yanbu on the parent visit issue - is he avoiding the ttc this month perhaps?

Is there a rush over this? Not quite sure what the hurry is? How old are you?

You say that his parents are elderly and not in the best of health... Not to add more pressure to the situation, but maybe that could be a good argument in favour of TTC right away. If he wants his parents to see his child, there's no sense in waiting.

I wouldn't normally suggest that as a great reason to have a baby, but if you're both positive you want to have a child, surely in an ideal world he'd like his child to meet and maybe remember his parents, if possible.

I'm not sure how to quote others on here
Thanks for the advice on the monitor I'll definitely look into it
I'm 29 and he's 30
He really does want to be a parent, we've had many discussions about it but it just seems that he's not as clued up on how hormones work etc!
His parents really do want to be grandparents and his mums definitely made a few well meaning comments when talking about babies
And in terms of his job his work have (sort of) agreed that they'll locate him closer to home from June so it's all looking good in that sense

I remember TTC and being really impatient for it to happen immediately, so I get it, but I don’t think he’s being that unreasonable: sorry.

Hi @Kate2020
We had similar difficulties, I always seem to ovulate mid-week and DP has been working mainly night shifts so we haven't been seeing each other much, never mind anything else. In the end it has taken just over 18months, but I'm now 12 weeks pregnant.

Don't give up, but perhaps give yourself a little break. If you don't manage it this month, at least you don't have to think about forgoing booze & partying over Christmas.

I know it feels awful, and it's so frustrating when you're more aware of each missed opportunity than he is. Big hugs, you'll get there soon x

Can you drop in on him at his hotel for a few hours tomorrow?

I remember using the Clearblue ovulation tests and I had high fertility for ten days before peaking. Have you tracked your cycle previously to have a rough idea of when you ovulate?

I think that when we want a baby and are ttc it can become very consuming and we don’t realise others don’t get it. However, I also don’t think that you would be unreasonable to not want to spend the weekend with your in-laws considering how recently you have seen them and that you will be seeing them again very soon.

I think perhaps a discussion about TTC would help. You may have different approaches. There is the military precision with fertility monitoring, spread sheets, scheduled sex, post sex positions, at one end of the spectrum and at the other there is the just not use birth control, live life normally and it happens when it happens.
For me, I am the relaxed end all this planning and forcing things would have sent me running for the hills. You sound more the plan and schedule approach. The two of you need to agree on not just TTC but where you are on that spectrum of scheduling versus liassez faire what will be will be.
So, it’s a bit early to be upset if you have not agreed on how you will both TTC.
I also would be a bit more flexible over Christmas. If this had been going on all five months spending every other weekend at his parents I would be upset for you. But just this month when it is Christmas, cest la vie, relax, enjoy the season put TTC on back burner who would want to be 9 months pregnant in the height of summer heat anyway?

Can you surprise him at his hotel for a few hours and do the deed?
We had similar issues when TTC with DH working shift work during the week. We were passing ships and I seemed to always ovulate on a Tuesday or Wednesday which were the least ideal days for squeezing in some baby making. I got so pissed off after about 3 months of trying that I took a half day from work one day, went home and pounced on him before he left for work....did the job as I got my BFP that month. Sometimes you have to go a little out of your way to make it happen ;-)

Seeing as they are getting on and not in the best health it's not something I don't' think I would get upset about.
Yes I get the point about the grandparents seeing the baby, but what about his time with them?
They've asked for help tidying up before Christmas. If he doesn't, then what's the alternative, do it during Christmas?
And as you said yourself, his work arrangements change next year.

In the meantime, there's nothing stopping you from visiting him at the hotel is there?

And pp makes an excellent point about the summer heat. It's the worst with the big belly, nights, the heat.
I know the weather is erratic 😆 I would advise anyone to avoid having a huge bump in the warmer months. I haven't a clue how they do it, but huge hats off to those in warmer climates. I'd have had to emigrate to somewhere cooler.

Hahah reading these posts have made me chuckle
I didn't even think about the summer it's hard to imagine when it's this cold
I suppose I was just seeing it as another 'wasted month' that we could be getting closer to conceiving...
I think you guys are right I'll just enjoy Xmas and have lots of wine instead of worrying about TTC

Why don't you just go on with your lives and let things happen naturally? What's with all the rush and stress and planning. I don't blame him one bit for wanting to go to his parents.