To leave my husband of 21 years because there is no sex or intimacy

[HopeJacob]

I am 49 and maybe in the middle of a mid life crisis, or maybe I'm not.. who knows? Maybe it doesn't matter.

He is a great man, kind, dependable, a great dad to our teenage children.. but there is no sex ..we haven't had any for 8 years .and no affection or intimacy. No cuddling , kissing etc

He is also very introverted and we don't have any joint friends or do stuff with other couples. I feel lonely and like I'm just living a separate life anyway so what's the difference? I have my own friends but it's hard. I want to do normal social things like other couples do and it will never happen with my husband.

I want/need more people in my life, I need intimacy and, yes, I need sex. I can't live the rest of my life like this.

I could wait 4 years until the children leave home, or I could get out now and build a life and maybe have other relationships. Or maybe just be alone the rest of my life. I feel like I am now anyway.

What are his reasons for not having sex?

No you are not being unreasonable at all to want more than friendship. You’re no age!

Have you looked into the whys? Sex counselling? Would it be worth a try?

He just seems to have no desire. He does watch porn occasionally I think but won't discuss it with me and says it's 'private' which I disagree with as this shows he does have some sexual desire!

I asked if he would try counselling but he said no !

If you're not happy in your relationship after weighing up the pros and cons you should leave.

Speaking as someone who's parents "stayed for the kids" and then broke up the week after my brother left to go to uni (even though I was actually still at home, despite being a few years older), it doesn't make it any easier. It will hard however long you wait, the only difference being you'll be unhappy for another 4 years in the middle.

I’d feel like I was at a dead end with your update too. X

Have you tried giving him a ultimatum? Tell him how much you crave intimacy, how you can’t live the rest of your life like this, suggest counselling again, or sharing fantasies/fetishes. Express how important this is and if it’s not sorted out in 6 months ask him to think of how much he would be losing. Tell him you love him, don’t want anybody else but that you simply can’t continue with this set up.

Even if he stepped up and had sex occasionally I hugely doubt you will get the intimacy you desire. Some people just can’t do it.

Life is short. I’d explain this to him and offer the chance to have counselling and seek long term changes or otherwise go your separate ways. Your DC will survive.

When you were describing him, you used the word 'dependable'. What exactly did you mean? Dependable on who or what? You also mentioned he watches porn, so he has a sexual desire but he hasn't got trust to be able to share it with you. He doesn't want sex for reasons. If you just leave him there is no guarantee that this situation won't happen to you again in new relationships. It's important to try to resolve it first and then make that decision.

“He just seems to have no desire. He does watch porn occasionally I think but won't discuss it with me and says it's 'private' which I disagree with as this shows he does have some sexual desire!

I asked if he would try counselling but he said no !“

I honestly feel cheating is entirely justified in situations like that. A person who has unilaterally withdrawn intimacy and sex from their partner and won’t even talk about it has no right to a say in how their partner pursues these aspects without them.

Wow, 8 years is a long time! Do you spend any time together at all or have any time just the two of you? You don't necessarily have to spend time together with other couples for it to be quality time. You need to have that time together to build up that intimacy again.

Sounds like he just shuts it down when you try and discuss it. If you actually still love him tell him the only thing that could possibly save your marriage now are full and frank discussions about the situation. If he won’t engage at all then divorce him because he doesn’t care about your feelings.

I would imagine being in your situation is probably more lonely than actually being alone.

Thank you. Yes I agree that it is more lonely than actually being alone. I feel I should have tackled it sooner but the pressures of smaller children, job, house etc meant it got pushed to the bottom of the list and now it seems broken and I don't want to fix it..and he doesn't.

Guess I know what the answer is then!

Have you tried having a frank discussion with him? Perhaps he's scared to try as it has been so long. I would give him a chance to solve it together before breaking up with him.

Marriage is difficult, but I believe it's valuable and therefore a couple should try to save it if possible (barring abuse, alcholism, etc.). However, he's effectively tied your hands here if he's not willing to discuss the issue or go to counseling. I think you have to leave.