"I awoke to find a sweet-faced Chinese air stewardess standing over me in my aisle seat. ‘Prease, sir,’ said the BA girl. ‘Prease come with me. I have found a better seat for you in row 52.’ Well, I began to say, wondering whether this was just a beautiful dream; well, that is really very thoughtful of you. It crossed my mind, in my groggy state, that this must be one of the world’s favourite airline’s popularity-building measures – to send gentle oriental girls, shortly before take-off, to separate fathers from their unruly children."
"Once the fire is going well, you may find your eyes drifting to the lovely striped chesterfield across the room. Is it the right size, you wonder, for a snooze. . . ?" he wrote.
"You come round in a panic, to find a lustrous pair of black eyes staring down at you. Relax. It's only Kimberly [Quinn, who was then the Spectator's publisher] with some helpful suggestions for boosting circulation."
Rather than listen to her speak, the former journalist advised Matthew D'Ancona to “just pat her on the bottom and send her on her way".
When penning a piece about Indian-made G-Wiz electric car later on the book, he says: “This battery-powered, Indian-assembled saloon may be the hottest thing from Bangalore that doesn’t come with poppadoms.”
“It was as though the whole county of Hampshire was lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by the Italian stallion.”
He describes the matron in a bikini at his school in one segment, saying: “Jane was big and bouncy and beautiful and one day I almost passed out when she joined us in the swimming pool in an orange bikini.”
“'Come on, baby,' I say tersely to the girl, 'Speak to me, for heaven’s sake.' You know how it is when you’re relying on some chick to map-read and they go all silent and sulky?” the Conservative politician wrote when describing a Lexus IS200’s female-voiced Sat-Nav in a review.
“And I jab her again, harder, because that’s the sort of guy I am, and then Carol speaks: so cool, so low, so scrotum-tighteningly thoughtful.”
the reason why police were unable to investigate crime was because they were “stuck on racial awareness programmes; or deployed in desperate attempts to catch paedophiles in ancient public schools; or lurking in lay-bys in the hope of penalising a motorist; or perhaps preparing for the great moment when they will be able to arrest anyone who allows his dogs to chase rabbits, let alone those who go foxhunting.”