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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

It's a Christmas in law's one!

24 replies

Jemmy360 · 10/12/2019 18:10

I feel like I'm being unreasonable, and not sure what to do. Buckle up, this will be long .

My pil have a 20 year history of being quite nasty to me. We went lower contact with them 2 years ago, and I got some good advice here at the time when I was wavering. There were lots of hoovering attempts, tears and tantrums. Since then, we have been low ish contact, and things have been more or less civil.
One of my sils has a medical condition that means she can no longer travel for Xmas. Last Xmas she came to her parents and it was obvious her medical condition had escalated and she now gets 24 hour care in the home. Prognosis is not good and her parents are upset. She is 51. Other sil has a MH diagnosis which is also not doing well at the moment, she may need some medical treatment in the near future. Pils are early 80s and have their own medical stuff going on also.

I usually cook Xmas dinner. I like doing it and genuinely don't mind cooking for others. Some years we have my parents and brother for a few days, sometimes pils and one sil. This year my family are not coming as my mum is having some surgery next week and I don't want her stressed out traveling. We are going to see them for a few days on 27th.

Here's my dilemma. Asit stands dh, kids and I are having Xmas day to ourselves. This has never happened before and I'm looking forward to having a quieter day. But. I'm getting a lot of not so subtle hints that pils and sil want to come for Xmas dinner. On one hand, the cooking doesn't bother me and they are getting to the point where it would be difficult to cook for the 3 of them.
On the other hand, the petty part of me thinks why should I cook and clean for people who have been awful to me for years. They could book in to a pub or something to save the effort if they wanted?
DH says not to offer them Xmas dinner. We will see them for a few hours on Xmas day and that is enough. He has been very good at being in my side, I do not have a DH problem thankfully.
So, aibu for not offering Xmas dinner to my elderly pils and sil?
Sorry is so long!

OP posts:

Ohffs66 · 10/12/2019 18:13

why should I cook and clean for people who have been awful to me for years.

This

Confusedbeetle · 10/12/2019 18:15

Your OH is right. Visit them on Christmas Day. If they are in their 80s I might cook and take them some over to save them cooking. People forget that a horrible person does not turn into a sweet person when they become old. See that their needs are sorted but dont be pushed into it. You might offer to have them over another lunch if you felt like it.

AutumnCrow · 10/12/2019 18:16

You really do need to support your DH's supporting you here.

If you're seeing them anyway, take them something you can leave / heat up / offer to cook when you're there for something to do?

ellendegeneres · 10/12/2019 18:17

Fuck no, if your dh says don’t bother then don’t. It’s nice to see a post where he’s supporting you, it seems to happen so rarely on here

Justmuddlingalong · 10/12/2019 18:18

So the 20 years of nastiness would be wiped from the slate? Not bloody likely. Ignore the hints and stick to your original plan.

flouncyfanny · 10/12/2019 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OakElmAsh · 10/12/2019 18:19

So it's not the SIL with the poor medical prognosis that would be attending, i'm assuming, as she can't travel ?

I'm not getting the impression that you hate the idea of having them for dinner ? If you don't, it doesn't mean that you're going low-contact is null and void, you can do this, and resume low-contact afterwards

BlueJava · 10/12/2019 18:19

Go with your DH's advice. The last thing you want is to offer, do something nice and then it escalates and turns into something awful with them. You went lower contact for a reason, I see that PILs and SILs are not well, but fundamentally there is nothing in your post to say they have changed towards you. Enjoy the day with just your close family and no ILs.

Tableclothing · 10/12/2019 18:21

If your DH doesn't want them there then it really is pointless extending an invitation.

Iloveacurry · 10/12/2019 18:23

I wouldn’t offer either. Just because they’re old, etc, it doesn’t excuse their past behaviour.

EL8888 · 10/12/2019 18:26

No. You should take the opportunity of a quiet and relaxing Christmas. Just because they are older and their health is deteriorating then why should you forget their nastiness? As my nana would say “they’ve made their bed and now they can lie in it”.

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 10/12/2019 18:27

Thank you, everyone for your spine stiffening words. Taking food to them might be a good compromise. I don't know if they would accept it ( too close to meals on wheels/charity- they can be snobby) but this offer might stop any more hint dropping about Xmas dinner itself.

I just had a niggle in the back of my mind that I should rise above and be nice..... But the nest of vipers has come through for me.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 10/12/2019 18:29

Nah.... do what you want at Christmas.

countdowntochristmas · 10/12/2019 18:33

You sound like a nice person but yeah no don't invite for dinner like you dh said . They have been horrible for a long time so the consequence is they don't get invited . Do not let them guilt trip you . They can book into a pub or get a M&S meal but anyway not your problem.

Drum2018 · 10/12/2019 18:36

They have been nasty to you for 20 years - I'd be suggesting that Dh shows them a menu for the local pub/restaurant so they can book dinner there. Let Dh visit them on Christmas Day while you sit back and relax after your own dinner. Why on earth would you want to spend a few hours with them on the day when they are not nice people?

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2019 18:38

The thing to think about is what would make you feel best. If I were you, I think I would take a Christmas Day buffet for them for the evening and see them for a couple of hours. Home made soup and a pudding made well in advance and some bought buffet things. But only because I would fret about them not having nice food. What is the sister who can’t travel doing?

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 10/12/2019 18:42

Very poorly sil is to the point that she won't know it's Christmas, but her husband will be with her. My DH will be visiting her when we go visiting my family as she lives not far from my parents, kids and I won't be going as it could be quite upsetting for them. My brother will be cooking for my parents on Xmas day, so everyone else is sorted.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 18:44

Give them a good hamper for Christmas

Absolutely just call into them then any nastiness you can get up and leave...

phoenixrosehere · 10/12/2019 18:48

You sound lovely.

You could just cook something or buy something for them and drop it off and go back to your own Christmas but then they could throw it in your face, but that would be on them and not you and would only show how much you are the bigger person.

However, I ask this, if it was any other time of year, would you do this? If not, why are you doing it for Christmas knowing how horrible they’ve been to you. What do you expect to happen?

They had to be pretty bad if their own son is telling you not to offer.

TabbyMumz · 10/12/2019 18:52

So are they thinking of leaving the daughtrcwho doesnt travel well at home? Font get why they are hinting to come to you?

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 10/12/2019 18:55

Hmm phoenixrosehere you really made me think there. I don't know why, but I feel some need to make extra effort at Xmas. I don't know what I expect to change. I'll have to spend some time thinking about that one.

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/12/2019 18:56

I would send BiL husband of very ill sister a lovely casserole or something that he can dip into and heat up when he can - it sounds like he will have too much on his mind to bother cooking and such. Support him, he needs it.
Sod the miserable pils. They can reap what they've sown.

Original poster

Jemmy360 · 10/12/2019 19:07

I think when DH goes to visit his sister I'll send him with a load of stuff for bil, including some meals. You're right, bil does need support, and deserves it more than pil and other sil.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2019 19:14

I was going to say hamper- but good ones are really expensive! You could make in advance some stuff for all of them without it costing a fortune. It would smooth down any prickles of conscience better too. You’ve done something nice so you can put them out of your mind.

Flip