WhatsApp group (never ending) baby talk

[elenacampana]

Hey there.

I’m in a WhatsApp group with some friends. Half of the group now have young children. It feels like a group that was once about social plans and things most of us could relate to has now become solely about babies. Sending photos of babies, updating on everything the babies do.

I’ve started to actively avoid the group now as I have been struggling to conceive myself and have very recently had a miscarriage. The constant influx of baby talk and images feels punishing these days and a reminder of what I don’t seem to be able to manage to do.

Would I be unreasonable to live the group on these grounds or should I just put up with it? I don’t want to be dramatic but it feels like salt in wounds all the time.

Just mute it rather than actually leave. You won't see it and no one will be offended

This sounds tough for you 💐💐

Do your friends know you miscarried recently ?

I think I would mute the group or explain your situation. If you do explain your situation would you be offended if they kept the one with you in for general chat and started another one minus you for the photo swapping and kids chat ?

@Bourbonbiccy

I have already muted the group but that doesn’t stop it springing back to the top of the chat every time someone says something unfortunately. I also always archive it so that it’s hidden from view. I was happy to just ignore and archive every time it started up before the miscarriage but it’s harder now. I know the messages are there and the sections of text I can see make it clear that they’re (still) going on about babies.

I hope I remember this if we ever do become parents ourselves and avoid doing the same thing to someone else. I know it’s not deliberate but social media and messaging really makes it easy for you to bring someone else down without knowing it.

Do they know about your miscarriage? If they don’t maybe just explain to them how you feel, if they’re good friends they’ll understand. If not then I would leave the group quietly and rejoin when your feeling ready to. Big hugs OP x

Is it worth asking them to do a separate group to keep their baby talk to? Would they understand ?

Just leave the group. You don't need to explain youself to anyone but if asked simply say the group chat seems to have moved on from its original intention (organising meet ups etc) so you left it - no big deal. That sort of messaging would wreck my head, so you are definitely not unreasonable to want to avoid it.

This is really hard and having gone through infertility issues I really do sympathize OP.

But group dynamics change over time and people's focus does as well.
For your friends with dc they are likely at first to take up their whole world (this is also highly likely to fade with time)

If you have told the group about your current situation it would be thoughtful of them to lay off baby talk for a bit but if they don't know the they really aren't going to have any reason to change.

If it is upsetting you then do what you need to do. My experience of this situation was that when you are trying to avoid pregnancy and babies they are everywhere.

Maybe try talking to your friends face to face instead for a while.

I would send a message saying you’re really struggling with all the baby pictures at the moment because of the miscarriage. Your friends might just not have realised because the group has always been like that.

Give them the chance to do the right thing and be sensitive during what I’m sure is a hard time for you. If they don’t, that tells you something about how good friends they really are.

@dreichXmas

Thanks. I’d love to see them face to face but they don’t do babysitters and always bring the babies with them - I feel like I can’t be around then at all anymore as a result. They expect my husband and I to go with them to play centres these days and those are not places we want to go to.

I hope it passes and I don’t feel like this forever.

Just delete the group. I always do when they chat gets boring (usually people bleating on about babies is enough to do that)

I feel your pain.

There’s nothing duller, than hearing about other people’s children. Do they not have a filter to just how tedious their monotonous droning is?

They expect my husband and I to go with them to play centres these day

They cannot see past their own noses at this stage. Maybe it's time to find friends who don't expect everyone to want to spend time with their kids.

I had similar a few years back and I left for my own sanity. Best decision I could have made. Also left Facebook and Instagram at the same time. I was lucky enough to conceive in the end but a friend had a difficult situation which meant it was hard for her to see all the baby chat too so we now have a separate group for the baby and toddler chat to go in so the others who find it boring/hurtful/annoying can easily avoid.

Thanks everyone. This was my first mumsnet post and you’ve been lovely :-)

I think I will probably leave the group. I have read that WhatApp are planning to introduce a new feature which will make it easier to permanently ignore groups. I’m looking forward to it!

OMG this is like my WhatsApp group.

I have found it unbearable at times but if I leave the group I exclude myself from the group.

I just don’t join in and at times I’ve just taken whatapp off my phone for a few days or a week, which did help.

We have been struggling to conceive too and they’ve done things like instead of organising an Xmas meal out it’s an Xmas day out “for the kids” - even though I don’t have kids.

I just think it really has been insensitive.

@BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay

We’ve had all of that as well BoomBoom. I appreciate their lives have changed, but mine hasn’t and neither myself nor my husband want to visit the Whacky Warehouse or other such places during our free time, which we really don’t have that much of despite being childfree!

The thing is a few of them must know we have been struggling but it’s been relentless baby chat and things like the Xmas thing I felt actively excluded.

I have now managed to conceive after endometriosis surgery but I won’t forget how it’s been.

The only explanation I have is that because it’s all friends who have known each other for 20 plus years, the one thing people generally still have in common is kids.

I couldn't conceive a second child and really struggled with some SM groups. My friends didn't know we were trying for number 2 and my best friend conceived after her first time trying. I really struggled to be around her and other pregnant women or women with young children, and I had 1! So my heart really goes out to you. It does pass and you will get there but I really do feel for you. Tbh I'd leave the group if there's nothing of any relevance to you and keep in contact with friends on a one to one basis

Have you discussed this OP? I would hate if I was doing something like this unintentionally to one of my friends and would definitely make an effort to be child free to meet with them if I knew the situation

Can the women not go out for dinner or drinks, leave their partners with the kids?

I recently left a group for the same reasons.

One post about someone's baby followed by twenty replies. If I muted it and archived the message, it would keep popping up to the top of the list. It was driving me mad. I have better things to do with my time.

OP I really sympathise with you. I had a very similar situation in the past 2 years, happily now I am about to have a baby.
I did remove myself from a lot of spaces with my mum friends and whilst most have been understanding I have lost one previously very close friend.
I found her the hardest to be around and I'm sure sure why so tried to stay in limited contact. I texted her when we were comfortable this pregnancy was viable and she felt I was choosing to pick her up and drop her when I wanted and told me she would prefer to not be friends anymore. I have respected her wishes and we no longer talk.
I see how my withdrawing would have hurt when she was a new mum. It's so tricky, just bare that in mind. If there is a way you can remain in contact please make sure you do a better job than I did.
Thinking of you though because it is such a painful time that no one can understand unless they've been there.

I agree- remove yourself from the group. It took me 4 years to conceive my DD and during that time I removed myself from Facebook and WhatsApp. I just couldn't cope with friends endlessly moaning about their kids not sleeping etc... I used to get so frustrated.

I'm back on a few bits now but I'm quite careful about what I post.

Thanks everyone. I feel less like I’m being a nark now. I don’t think the option of seeing the: without their children exists now, even something as low key as breakfast or lunch has to be ‘child friendly’. It really puts me off accepting invitations. I feel as though I don’t fit in at these things anymore as I don’t have a baby and I’m not expecting one. I think it probably bothers me because I would like to have one. I guess that’s what the issue really is. I haven’t got one, I want one terribly and they’re always reminding me of it. It’s not their fault I know - the best thing will be to leave the group.

I really appreciate how kind you have all been at a time when I’m struggling. Thanks a million to whoever you are, wherever you are :-)

I think you're doing the right thing to be honest they sound a bit dull. I know when you have a new baby it's a massive lifestyle change and people struggle and talking about it helps. But it they are old enough to go to a whacky warehouse then they should be out of the baby bubble by now and be able to talk about other things.