To feel guilty about not staying?

[kevintheorangecarrot]

I am moving away from my home town but I have said to my dad I will come down probably once a month or so to visit family. However he said where am I going to stay and I said well I will just stay in a hotel I will book in advance so it is cheaper. Then he said you may as well come and stay here on the sofa... which absolutely stinks of cigarettes. He said it like he really wanted me to stay there, but the problem is he is a smoker and the flat absolutely reeks of it. When I lived there, I suffered from allergies, coughing fits, colds, sore throats, just general illnesses associated from breathing in second hand smoke.

That's another reason why I moved out at 18. It's not because I don't love him I love my dad very much but because my health was suffering. I can't stand the smell of smoke. I can only stay at his for maximum 2 hours but then I have to keep going outside to get fresh air. My clothes and hair stink of it after. I know he'll get defensive if I explain why I don't want to stay. am I being a drama queen? I hope not because even the thought of breathing in smoke makes me heave.

YANBU just brush it off. Say "Oh no, it'll be an excuse for me to have a lovely time in a hotel...I love hotels! I'll come and visit daily" or whatever.

Is it a big problem if he gets defensive?

Not a major problem but he makes me feel guilty when he does get defensive. He'll say I am being stupid and dramatic most likely.

So?

I wouldn't stay there either.
He'll get over it if you stay firm

Cheeky sod. I can't stand it when people (a) tell you your actual physical experience is incorrect (b) tell you how you are allowed to feel.

Dial down all drama. Make it about you not him. Don't rise to anything. Firstly I'd booked the hotel and just tell him you've done it like it is a non-issue. If he presses say you like staying in hotels. If he asks directly about his hygiene then say the smoky environment bothers you so you are staying a hotel, say it neutrally. Have a couple of phrases ready to shut it down "I'm staying in a hotel no point talking about it." and "I know it doesn't bother you but it does bother me, you can do what you like in your own home of course, it's my problem, I'm staying in a hotel."

Take his weird reactions as him feeling guilty himself about his smoking. Normally he doesn't have to think about the impact of it but you refusing to stay make it real. He's reacting against himself really. If he feels guilty and defensive that's not such a bad thing. He should feel bad. Don't rescue him from those feelings. Don't rub his nose in it either. He's an adult, he makes choices, those choices have consequences, he still gets to see you so it's hardly a biggie.