To ask if my 9year old DD is normal

[Twinklemacfinkle]

My DD is the 3rd DC of 4, in the last year her behaviour has become increasingly difficult to manage. She is screaming, shouting, lashing out and accusing people (adults and children) or hurting her when they haven't. She will be extremely stubborn and refuse to move ect until her demand has been met.

This is before and after school, as soon as she walks in to school she becomes a completely different child. A pleasent, kind and caring child.

She is such a lovely little girl when she is not having a 'moment'. She is funny, loving and will do anything to help. She just has this side that is like a volcano.

We have no idea what to do anymore, we have tried ignoring her and she just escalates to hurting someone. I have tried talking to her when she is calm and asking what will help when she gets worked up. The idea was to send her to her room to have some calming down time. This became another stubborn point with her refusing. I would simply ask her to go and calm down in her room and come back when she is in a better mood. No shouting or punishments. She has a relaxing/chill out area in her room.
We have tried punishments, like taking electronics ect away. I have tried increasing 1 to 1 time and talking to her one to one more.
Everything just ends with her slamming doors, kicking things and screaming at us.

Is this 'normal' pre teen/hormones raging behaviour?
Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom to help manage this as everything is becoming a battle.

How is the rest of your relationship?

I know when one of my children starts acting up I have to try extra hard to be kind to them..... it tends to pay dividends but it feels hard to be nice to them when they are pushing your every button.

Hello,

In my opinion behaviour is always telling us a story. The difficulty is finding the meaning behind it as it is not always obvious.

As she is able to control her behaviour, according to where she is, it does show, that it is not completely impulse driven.

However, lots of children can 'behave acceptably at school' and then they go home and they release all the pent up frustration and effort that it took, to focus all day - we call it the Coke Can effect.

First thing is to look for patterns: Does it happen between a certain time of day? Does it happen in response to something sensory - like a certain noise?
Does it happen when asked direct requests and she is reacting to feeling controlled?

Questions to also ask yourself:
Has something traumatic occured to trigger this or has it always been evident since being a young child?
Is it worse on a Monday? Could it be transitioning from the weekend back to school is causing her anxiety?
Does she look mature enough to be starting her period/hormones could be the culprit?

My advice is to put emphasis on actions that are calming for the brain. As the more the fight/flight response is triggered the more that it becomes sensitive and is more easily triggered, and then it goes in a downward spiral.

So that looks like:
No electronics
Swimming/exercise
Singing
Mindfulness and meditation - in some areas there is something called Relax Kids that does this in a fun and group way.
Reading novels/books.

I apologise for my terrible use of commas in that post!

Is it possible that she could soon be starting her periods? I know she's young but I just wondered. Her behaviour just sounds really hormonal, and similar to my dd for about 6 months before she was about to start aged 12.

Ime imagine the worst case scenario and ask yourself if someone has acted inappropriately towards her...

You say this is before / after school - do you mean every day or occasionally? If it's the latter, it sounds normal for a 9yo, but if it's every day then there might be something else going on.

Have you read the "How to Listen so Kids Talk and Talk so Kids Listen" book? Some good ideas in there.

Thank you for the responses!
It is possible that she could be due to start her periods as I started mine at 8. My DH also went through puberty early.

Our relationship is very good, we chat alone every day unless I am at work but she will text me. We cuddle, bake, write storys ect just like we always have.

Last year she did change primary schools, we have tried to keep her relationship with her best friend going, she has a phone to text her, she has play dates and partys ect. Her behaviour had started to deteriorate before she changed schools and she has settled in beautifully to her new smaller school.. she has a group of lovely friends, her teacher loves her and she is thriving.

She has always been a sensitive little girl, before she would have tantrums ect like every child.

It is now every day , I will take a look at that book thank you.

She is only ever with me or her Dad (my DH), I am very aware of abuse ect and have spoken to all my children about keeping secrets, the underwear tule ect. She is very good at talking to me and I am pretty sure she would trust me enough to tell me if something like that had happened.

Could be a nightmare at school & at home. So things to be grateful about.

You described my then 13 year old to a tee, 6 months later she disclosed sexual abuse. We were very close and talked a lot, she didn’t want to hurt me. I hope that is not the case but maybe some other type of trauma or distress, perceived or actual. I hope you manage to work it out

Please, if you are concerned, see your GP. Similar behavioural concerns here worried us enough to go to GP for advice. Also turns out she was being abused and was unable to articulate it to us. And I would have said we could talk about everything. This doesn't mean, OP, that she is. Just please do not rule it out.

Can you elaborate on this bit OP "accusing people (adults and children) or hurting her when they haven't"?

Are these "people" you and DH and her siblings? Or someone else?

You say she has a phone to text her friend, have you checked it and all OK?

It could be hormones - have you talked to her about periods etc?

Have you spoken to school just to let them know what she is like at home and see if they can flag anything?

Her accusing people is mainly her siblings, an example is tonight I was talking to her brother and she started to scream that he has scratched her. He hadn't as his arms were folded and I was looking at him. Them my DH was holding her bedroom door open as she was repeatedly slamming it shut and it was frightening our dog. She shouted he had broken her arm even though she was using both arms to try and slam the door shut.

I check her phone regularly and the oy numbers she has are mine, Dh, 2 of her Db and her friend. The only social media she has is whattsapp for sending pictures to us.

Unless her DF or someone at school is abusing her it would be highly unlikely as she is with me or Dh all of the time. We have no family that see her and she never stays anywhere overnight. I was abused as a child so know the signs.

We spoke to her teacher last year but i will talk to her new teacher and see what they say. He did not mention anything at parents evening and the other staff seem to like her as she is such a kind, caring little girl.

If she's always been very unpredictable when she's surprised, or overly sensory aware, then I'd consider assessment.

However, if it's only just started happening, there may be several things in Dr. Ross Greene's approach that may help
www.livesinthebalance.org/

and in his book "The Explosive Child"

I could have written that. Mine says the same about hurting. We struggle to contain the outbursts and it is very hard. There is no hurting at home (certain) and they barely go anywhere else. I think in our case there has always been difficulty with managing emotion but we have got by, and sort of swept it away and tried to help, but with school stress and hormones now it is out there more.
I wholeheartedly believe diet makes a difference in our case too. We have made adjustments there and found it helps a lot. We also have to ignore it to a degree when its bad and let them calm down naturally, that works in our case but wont of course for everyone.
I wish you all the best op and know how hard this is.

Oh and yes to checking sensory issues as poster above says. It's amazing what something we feel is normal affects someone else who may struggle with it.

Has she always been a bit like this but it’s got worse recently? Or is this a change in personality?

If she’s always been a bit like this - have a look at The Explosive Child.

Some children genuinely struggle to control themselves and their reactions. Even if they can do it at school, it doesn’t mean they can do it at home when tired and when not straining to do it.

Puberty does also sound possible though.

Could it be worth speaking to your GP? Hormones are the likely answer but other issues like Aspergers can manifest differently in girls. They can be able to control it in school but when they feel safe at home they can let their emotions out.

Another poster recommended relax kids classes. My DS7 has just been to his first block of lessons and they have really helped with behaviour and meltdowns

Yes she has always been a littke like this but it has become a lot worse recently. Her tantrums have always been different to my other DC but I just put that down to her being a stereotypical girl.

My eldest Ds has aspergers so that is also a possibility. I have had a chat with my DH tonight and we are going to book her an appointment with our GP as she told us tonight she finds it difficult to breath with her mouth closed. So I will also talk to them about her behaviour.

Does she snore?

@myohmywhatawonderfulday what a full and non judgmental answer with lots of helpful and supportive advice! Flowers but no helpful advice op x

Yes she does snore and always has.
I have found a few local relax kids classes and I have emailed them.

If she snores and always has, it’s worth looking into sleep apnoea. There are sound clips online demonstrating the pauses in breath and what you should listen for. If she has sleep apnoea she will be very tired and that could be manifesting as mega tantrums.

Plenty of other possibilities of course but that’s definitely worth considering.