Offending best friend.

[januarybabyboy]

Hey everyone, this is my first post so apologies if I do anything wrong...

Not sure if I'm being overly sensitive as this happened in my first trimester (now im 36 weeks preg)
I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy at 10 weeks after trying ttc for a year, the only person apart from my DP that new was my best friend as we wanted to surprise family with the 12 week scan photos at Christmas.
Obviously it was a horrible time and felt very low for a while afterwards, best friend was supportive at the beginning but not sure she felt comfortable with the subject so apart from the first few weeks she wouldn't mention it, which is completely fair enough I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable around me.
Anyway fast forward and after 4 months of ttc I luckily got pregnant again, I was really cautious about this pregnancy and apart from informing the doctors and taking vitamins Me and DP didn't really allow ourselves to get excited.
At the time another good friend was planning her 30th and wanted us all to go to Spain later on in the year for a blowout, I'd been very noncommittal when asked and used our house renovations as an excuse as why I couldn't attend.
One evening my best friend and the good friend got together and decided they were going to book the holiday that evening and also weren't taking no as a answer from me, even offering to pay and I could pay them back whenever. This is amazingly kind but I new I wouldn't want to go as I'd be 34 weeks preg by then and they were going out there to party so I'd be pretty crappy company.
I rang my best friend to tell her and she put me on loudspeaker so I ended up announcing my pregnancy at 11 weeks to her and good friend at the same time.
I texted my best friend after the phone call to apologise for the shock of news and let her know id rather of told her in person but felt a bit pressured to do so, she messaged back saying she was happy for me but also incredibly hurt and annoyed I hadn't told her I was ttc again or waited un till just before I was 12 weeks to tell her. She said she thought I'd been acting distant, which i guess I had been as she normally messages me for a chat gone 11pm and I'd been tired and sick so hadn't responded till the next day.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just her that didn't know, literally no one did and it was more a self preservation thing as I new I'd get excited and she'd get excited if I shared my news.
Sounds so ridiculous but I felt less pressure on myself carrying the baby until I'd had my first scan and could check things were going okay...I just didn't want to get my hopes up.

My relationship with best friend has been a bit strained since and I'm worried I've been a terrible person for not confiding in her, I just wanted you guys view on things

Sorry for the massive essay and rambling!!

You have been completely reasonable. You are under no obligation to tell anyone you are pregnant. Especially considering your previous miscarriage. She needs to understand this has nothing to do with her. It’s her expectations on you that’s the problem. Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck!

No one, not even a best friend, has the right to demand knowing about a pregnancy when it suits them! YANBU. I’d be heartbroken if this was my closest friend.

YANBU. She's being stupid.

YANBU. I went through the same, but instead of talking about it she just blocked me on Facebook and we haven't spoken since, 12 years of friendship down the drain because I didn't tell her (or anyone, even family) before the 12 week scan. You need to do what's right for you, and if you weren't comfortable saying anything beforehand that's absolutely understandable. Congratulations

Congratulations!! Your friend sounds like hard bloody work! You are under no obligation to tell her you're pregnant before you're comfortable, let alone trying to conceive!!

She sounds like a complete nightmare.

She needed to know you were having unprotected sex? Tell her to get a grip.

I have a best friend. There are 4 of us in a group who met when all of our oldest started reception. Last week we found out one of them was 20 weeks pregnant! We had no idea.
We are delighted for her, and have a giggle how none of us had any idea. No way would we demand that she should have told us any sooner than she felt comfortable with.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Your friend was very unreasonable. She and the other friend were also unreasonable over the holiday.

You were U to apologise to her when you’d done nothing wrong, and to worry about YOUR decisions/actions when the issue is her.

Yanbu you do not have to announce you are ttc to friend. She couldn't be that shocked you would ttc again many people do.

Friend sounds immature and just annoyed you didnt go on holiday.

YANBU. She, on the other hand, sounds rather high maintenance.

Thanks everyone for the replies!
It's reassuring to know what you all think as I'd been feeling a bit guilty!
Best friend hasn't got any children and lives quite a different life from me, it's difficult cause she is (or can be) a lovely person but she's someone that's has a black and white view of things and has a real sense of what she feels in right or wrong. I think she thinks that we're very similar people and always talked about wanting to have children around the same time but she's not ready any time soon and I'm not waiting obviously

I do love her but feel a bit hurt as since that conversation she's the one who's been distant and feel like animosity has resurfaced with her going on the holiday about two weeks ago.
I've tried to message when possible to ask how she's been etc but have seen recently via social media she's been seeing a lot of other friends and I haven't been invited to any of the social events, fair enough I don't expect to be glued to her hip but can't help feel its cause she's annoyed at me.

Do you think I should just drop it and carry on as usual or let her know that I'm a bit cheesed off with her reaction?

I'm not keen on confrontation but I also know she has no problem telling me how she feels...maybe I'm just hormonal!

Another long one again!

I'd drop it but not carry on as normal ie don't keep messaging her as you would normally - just have some breathing space.

I think sometimes it's easy to be the one trying to fix things and it fuels the other person's perception that you've done something wrong because it looks like you're trying to fix things.

To be honest if she comes back to you nicely it's up to you if you're willing to write this off and move on with your friendship as it was before. No obligation on your part to do so and be wary of future issues eg will she do the same if you don't make her godmother / if another friend meets baby first... you don't want to spend what should be lovely moments trying to please her.

I couldn't be arsed with the headache so if it was me I would go back to speaking once she's come back to you but not try to mitigate her reaction in future. Then if she's a dick about something else like my examples above then I would be done.

If she doesn't come back to you herself then she's a shitty friend and she's created this situation then exacerbated it so I would find it easy at that point to make my peace with not being in touch anymore.

I think sometimes it's easy to be the one trying to fix things and it fuels the other person's perception that you've done something wrong because it looks like you're trying to fix things.

This, absolutely. In fact @AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo 's advice in general is how I'd proceed in your shoes. Leave the ball in her court.

I really feel you need to explain to your friend what it was like having a miscarriage and how you were feeling about the new pregnancy and the possibility of that one miscarrying also. She needs to realise that it's not all about her.