AIBU to ask if you ever got over how your MIL treated you? My hatred for her consumes me and I can't let go HELP

[Ihateyousomuch]

I split up with exDH 2 years ago, we still lived together until last year when we moved out. I haven’t seen his mum since he moved out. Before that she used to come round 4-5 times a week, I was SAHM, he was working from home. He’s golden boy but he’s got two sisters one of them don’t even speak to exMIL. Over the years she’s used every opportunity to criticise, judge, talk behind my back to her son and other family members. Talked about my weight(used to be 18st, now I’m 9st), how I am as a mother, the state of my house, how I don’t ‘look after her son’, how he deserves someone better than me even though he did fuck all and I did everything, ignore me for no reason when she came round and it was up to me to find out why. She would start arguments with me for no reason, and I was constantly walking on eggshells when she came round. She’d pur my DS on a pedestal and treated him different to DD.

I’ve realised over the years that she treats people different depending on what kind of genitalia they have. Which explains why she thought the sun shone out of exDHs arse and she has no relationship with her two daughters, treated me like crap and ignored DD, and showed DS with attention. I don’t think she’s an happy person, I think she’s has a lot of regrets in her life and taking it out on me. I remember one day during one of our arguments she said to me “ you have no friends or family “ and I realised she was projecting her own feelings onto me because that’s what she truly felt about herself. Hurt people hurt people. I was suffering from depression and this was her dig at me.

She also doesn’t have any female friends, and only one or two male friends she keeps in contact with (former partners)

ExDH lives with his new gf who works 50 hours per week, which means she RARELY sees exMIL, only once a month in the weekend when exMIL can be arsed to see the children, and they get on OK according to ex because they never see each other he admitted. I feel so jealous of this, I’d never wish what I went through on anybody but I’m jealous his gf is not around when this evil cow of a MIL comes round to see her golden boy and I was stuck at home.

ExDH and I get along fine, but how can I get over this? I’m so bitter, angry and I have so much hatred and resentment towards her, I know it’s not healthy for me. Some days I just sit there and cry when I think about everything that has happened. My hatred for her consumes me, and I can’t let go. Please help me

What did your ex-H do while she was saying all of this?

She doesn't sound very nice. She also sounds, as you say, like a rather hurt person.

I do think you have to let it go. And possibly think about why you're so fixated on her rather than on whatever went on with your DH.

My MIL is not my favourite person, but at the end of the day, it's her daughter I'm with, not her. So I occasionally vent and mostly put up with it. You're not even with your ex any more. You need to stop thinking about it.

Stop focusing on her. Maybe see if you can get therapy. Tbh, I’d be blaming your ex rather than her. Why didn’t he tell her to fuck off?

Do you think part of the problem is that you didn’t stand up to her more? You say you were walking on eggshells: perhaps you are cross with yourself that you didn’t tell her to fuck off. The reason I say this is because I have issues with my nai do you think part of the problem is that you didn’t stand up to her more? You say you were walking on eggshells: perhaps you are cross with yourself that you didn’t tell her to fuck off. The reason I say this is because I have had issues with my MIL, And often the reason I get upset about things that happened years ago is that I basically let her get away with it. I wish I had put my foot down from the start, but because I wanted to get on with her, I think I let her get away with far too much. Our relationship pretty much disintegrated at the beginning of the year, but I do still get agitated when I think of things that happened in the past – I really do think it’s because I am upset with myself for not standing up to her. You need to be kind to yourself, and let it go. Be happy that this woman is no longer in your life.

• issues with my MIL. Don’t know where ‘nai’ came from!

Don’t know what happened to my post, but I hope you get the picture.

If the new girlfriend is getting on fine with her because she sees very little of her, she may well have to deal with all the same crap in future that you did.

Oh, and thank heavens he finally moved out so you can start to get over it all. Your feelings sound justified to me, except maybe you're letting your ex off a bit too lightly.

Are you depressed now? Your thoughts sound quite obsessive and certainly unwanted. Talk to your GP about accessing therapy. I had EMDR for trauma related issues which also gave me obsessive thoughts. It was very helpful and made a big difference.

If that’s not available talking does help, too. You do have to really want to move on though.

Even just repeating to yourself that it’s over, you are safe, she means nothing is helpful and noticing each time she enters your head and mentally sending her on her way.

Good luck, it really can improve.

I feel the same about my MIL. I lose sleep thinking about her and the things she has done or said. I haven’t thought about it like that before, but I think @Piffle11 has a good point. I’m sure a lot of my obsession is my inability to let go of the fact that I took so long to see her behaviour for what it is and let her hurt me so much, when I should have told her to back right off (putting it kindly). Instead I feel like she’s cornered me into hiding behind DH and I’m petrified of seeing her again. I turn into this pathetic, polite little girl around her!

I'm not sure why you are bothered . She is your ex mil so you don't need to worry about her . Move on and don't worry about if his new gf and mil get in or not it's none of your concern .

Honestly I think uou need to seek some help. To be sitting crying still over this, to be consumed by hatred to this level, is really not normal. I wonder if you're projecting other feelings into this one channel.

I don't know but I do know your reaction is not healthy or normal and you need to seek medical help.

I guess this is displaced anger and your real anger is at:

• ExDH for letting it happen and being shit in general.
• yourself for failing to stand up for yourself.
• yourself for believing some of what she said and agonising about it.

So, work out why you let it happen and how you'll handle similar situations differently in future (probably by fucking away from them all a lot sooner) and then you'll be able to forgive yourself and put it to rest.

My ex mil is basically exactly the same, especially the weird thing of favouring males over females.
I rarely see mine now which is amazing! I don’t think your level of feelings is completely normal and you need to let it go because she’s not in your life anymore

Come the Glorious Day my xmil dies, I will attend her funeral just to make sure.

Honestly, let it go, and rejoice over the fact that you never have to see her again.

Pombear 😂😂😂😂😂

*I guess this is displaced anger and your real anger is at:

• ExDH for letting it happen and being shit in general.
• yourself for failing to stand up for yourself.
• yourself for believing some of what she said and agonising about it.*

Probably. I did stand up for myself sometimes, but not as much as I'd like. I also thinks he felt guilty a lot of the times, because she's lonely, and he is all she as. Which is her own fault really.

She's 68, not old but health wise looks very old. She has heart failure and diabetes, had several surgeries, I remember when she was booked for the heart surgery, a part of me really hoped she wouldn't make it. I know .. I know. But I was and still am so hurt by everything.

Hopefully time will heal all wounds..

I'm also upset that she's robbed me the chance of having a normal extended family, my children will never have their grandmother and mother in the same room again.

No she hasn't robbed you of that. When you married into a dysfunctional family you discarded it yourself. You can't put it on her that you chose them, even if you didn't realise what you were choosing. See how you are putting it all on her head again that you married the wrong fella?

Anyway, a child never having their mother and a grandmother in the same room is normal for many families. Bereavement, migration, adoption, divorce, all normal family things even before you get into toxic factors like alcoholism, neglect, personality disorders etc.

I've just reread you original post.

You said that ExDH and I get along fine but you are obsessively angry at MIL.

Yet you also said she used to come round 4-5 times a week, I was SAHM, he was working from home then you gave a list of vile things she said and did. He was in the house! He didn't kick her out! You didn't kick her out either.

How can you get along fine with exDH now only one year since that all stopped? That's ridiculously quick to get over him being an utter dickhead especially when you still hold anger towards MIL.

Every bit of anger you feel towards her should be double towards him because could have and should have made it stop. Yet you are fine with him and obsessing about her. Mega displaced anger.

Are you scared of being angry with him?