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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship breakdown, involvement in pregnancy

26 replies

Bouncehouse · 08/12/2019 22:04

My partner left three days ago, he blocked my telephone number so I have no way of contacting him. I believe this to be for the best. Since finding out I was pregnant he has continued to drink heavily and use cocaine multiple times a week, therefore affecting his overall mental health, our financial situation and has lead to him assaulting me at one point. I have since contacted his friend, best mate from school will always stick by him but I had asked him a few months ago to speak to him about his drinking as it was becoming harder to deal with, because I need to find out what is happening with our accommodation. Obviously said friend believes his lies about me, ex has been telling people I am mentally unstable.

I work part time, he has financially crippled as I’ve been left to pay for most things (received letters threatening court action) on a part time salary and a credit card. My best friend, who is a lovely and supportive person has said they will move in with me to help cover the costs and support me with the baby, but will only do this if he is definitely not coming back. I sent my ex an email to this affect but no response days later.

Basically I need to know what is happening, the man I thought I knew has turned out to be a complete sociopath. Deceitful, cheating and mentally and physically abusive. In my opinion he is the worst out there, he said he wanted kids and knew I couldn’t handle another termination, but he has chosen drugs and alcohol and the adoration of people 10 years younger instead.

You may ask why I wanted kids with this man, I believed underneath everything he was a good person who cared about me. That his job was stressful, and over time he ground me down to believe I was just overly sensitive and that I wasn’t seeing things properly... You’ll never understand unless you’ve been with someone like this 😓

I really need some advice, I’m constantly on edge about him coming back to the flat, the baby is due in June/July and I really need to start making arrangements.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2019 23:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have no real advice as it’s well beyond my sphere of experience or knowledge but I’m bumping for more helpful posters.

Is he on your tenancy? And did you report the assault to the police?

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 09/12/2019 00:14

Thanks you, any response is so greatly appreciated. I feel very alone at the moment.

It’s a joint tenancy, before he left he said I was the one who needed to leave. He knows fine well I have no where else to go and can’t afford to move anywhere myself. I didn’t tell the police, but I told the Nurse I saw about this before my booking appointment and I had contacted a domestic violence helpline... I left to stay with my parents but when I told my mum that I was pregnant she wouldn’t talk to me and told me she would not support my decision to keep the baby so I came back hoping he would change or at least do as he’d said and seek help.

This man is so dangerous, I didn’t believe people like him existed. I fell for all of his lies about his high morals and intentions... I’m so angry at myself, I have wanted more than anything in the world to have a family and I feel like he was using that to control me. I don’t want to crumble, I know I have to stay strong, it’s just really difficult.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2019 00:19

I’m only going to ask this once and I’m not trying to pressure you, but are you sure you want this baby? You’ll be tied to him forever - is that more palatable than a termination?

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 09/12/2019 00:22

I’ve had one with him before and the grief I experienced afterwards I nearly didn’t recover from. I was told in April last year that I may not be able to have children due to Endometriosis, so this may be my only chance to have a child. I doubt he will want anything to do with said baby once it arrives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncehouse · 09/12/2019 00:23

He has made me feel small for too long, I know what I’m feeling isn’t permanent and that in the long run I will be better off without him. It will be harder than I can ever imagine, but I can do it.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2019 00:33

Ok. Then you need to protect yourself and the baby from him. He’s nasty and dangerous.

I think you should talk to your GP, Woman’s Aid and your landlord to have him removed from the tenancy.

Leave him off the birth certificate.

Get the practicalities sorted first and you'll start to feel in control.

SandyY2K · 09/12/2019 01:20

It would be better if you could move elsewhere with your friend, so he doesn't know where you are.

It looks like you had a few red flags that he wasn't really a good guy and you stayed with him anyway.

At the end of it...he's the one who left you after all that.

Perhaps digging deep into what your standard in a partner is so low would be worthwhile.

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 09/12/2019 12:31

I wanted him to leave, it’s the first truly decent thing he’s done. He just hasn’t properly left, and knowing him as I do, he wants me to suffer with the anxiety at knowing he could come back any time.

You are probably right it is worth investigating, but you don’t enter into a relationship thinking someone is capable of being abusive and that a situation like this is possible.

If he comes back and is aggressive, drunk or whatever I will just call the police. Simple. The power he had over me is gone. It’s taken only a few days of him not being here for me to see the situation for what it was, I do not miss him or want him back. I just want to move on.

OP posts:
OneDay10 · 09/12/2019 12:36

I would suggest to cut him out completely. It's good that he is gone. Report the assault, if he does come back then there is record of it. Especially when the baby arrives.
Move in with your friend and start building a good support structure.
It's done now, you cant change the situation but you can work towards a better one for your DC and yourself.

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 12/12/2019 15:48

I made statement to the police this morning. Hopefully this is it now, and it’ll all be over and I can get on with my life. Before all of this I was studying towards my Masters in Special Needs Education, I will eventually finish at some point in the future, provide a good life for my family and I’ll be able to make my baby proud of me. It wouldn’t have been possible with him in my life.

Thank you for the responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncehouse · 12/12/2019 21:08

Police did nothing. It’s just made it worse.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/12/2019 21:15

What do you mean by nothing?

Forgotmycoat · 12/12/2019 21:17

Hi op. Sorry you're in this position. Even if police have done nothing, there will now be a record of your statement. Please do contact Women's Aid, they will hopefully be able to guide you better. I believe you need to get an occupation order to make him leave the home and a restraining order to make sure he doesn't come back. If he breaks those orders, he can be arrested. Women's Aid can help you to obtain those orders. Also, it's definitely worth telling your midwife about, as they are trained to spot abuse during pregnancy and advise you on it.

looondonn · 12/12/2019 21:20

Hang on - you reported the scum
Well done

Get as far away ASAP

do not contact him

Sorry he sounds like my ex an utter fck**

Dragongirl10 · 12/12/2019 21:27

Well done for ending this awful relationship.

You will stay strong, everytime you find yourself thinking or worrying about him, give your head a small shake and start planning your future with your baby...congratulations.... you have been very lucky to get pregnant with endemetriosis.
This baby will be ther reason you turn your life back into the good future you had before him, of course you can do it alone milloins of women have and you will be great.

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 00:03

Thank you, the police woman I spoke to said they’d arrested him when I’d been told they would just warn him. Anyway, they said that unless someone had seen anything they couldn’t do anything and I hadn’t reported any abuse before so there was no record. I had told them I’d told my CPN and the national domestic violence helpline but they didn’t want to know. Felt fobbed off and they insinuated I’d made it up, they’ve now involved social services and the police woman said, ‘they’d do everything to help me keep my baby’.

I was in a state after I got her phone call, wished I’d never contacted them. They even showed me a mug shot of him they’d found on their system?! So he was known to them for something already.

I don’t have any family support, but my friends have been great. I know that what has been happening is very real, and I am and will be better off without him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 00:05

When I say nothing- nothing to help would be more accurate.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 13/12/2019 00:13

It sounds to ensure like those particular police officers have not been properly trained OP. I've had those types over before. There was domestic violence in my first marriage. The courts poo poo,d their crap. They don't take babies from their mothers unless their mother is a nutcase or alcoholic. Write everything you can remember down from the relationship and how you feel you will be as a mother.
That is a disgraceful police response. Maybe consider going to court for a restraining order.
You will be OK and this will all blow over. I brought up my son alone after a dreadful divorce and it all worked out. Gather as much support around you as you can.

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 00:48

Yeah the police woman did suggest this, I was just up a height when she spoke to me. I’d suffered with mental health problems in the past, but I’ve never had to stay in hospital or anything like that- I’ve been to every one of my perinatal appointments, and when i spoke to the CPN they said it wasn’t surprising that I was feeling 100% when I had been experiencing the stress at home. I go to work, I pay the bills, I make sure I function. I don’t know many people who would be able to cope with what I’ve gone through without feeling some sort of anxiety or low mood.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 00:49

It wasn’t surprising that I didn’t feel 100% *

OP posts:
changedtempforprivacy · 13/12/2019 01:03

I'm glad to hear that you are under perinatal mental health care, there are medications that can safely be used in pregnancy under their supervision.
I'd suggest you ask your health visitor to refer you to the freedom project for free help and advice about domestic abuse (it's a free online course).
Best advice I received in similar circumstances (although we were married so he is on birth certificate) is do not allow him to attend scans or the birth, this is your body.
Do not put him on the birth certificate
If you are able to, I would consider moving away - and if you can move back to where your family are even better. Being a lone parent is difficult, even harder when you are not financially secure. Think long term about where it is best to raise your child and if you have any family support embrace it. It's also good for the child to have more than one attachment figure and it takes some of the pressure off if you do experience any postnatal mh problems if you know your baby is in safe hands and family are often better at this kind of commitment than friends

Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 01:27

My mum is completely unsupportive, I left my home a couple of weekends ago and she said she wouldn’t support me if I went ahead with the pregnancy and that I couldn’t possibly keep the baby. I had a hard time with my family growing up, my dad was quite abusive and my mum turned a blind eye, I was scapegoat for our family problems. My grandmother was my real mum and she passed away some years ago. I don’t have any other family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncehouse · 13/12/2019 01:30

I keep going over everything in my head, I know it won’t do me any good, and I know I haven’t dealt with things well, this is all such a mess. My mum told me she didn’t think I was victim of anything and I’d done this to myself on purpose... Feel let down by the police...

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 13/12/2019 02:05

You need to go nc with your mum as she is abusive.

Get your ex off the tenancy or move with your friend would be best but if not possible, get him off the tenancy and secure the building.

Do not put him on the birth certificate or invite him to scans. Go nc with him and be firm about it. No messages, no cosy chats. It helps to heal the trauma bond. As you are trauma bonded...

Read about trauma bonds, going no contact and parallel parenting. You cannot coparent with a man like this so know this from the start and don't even attempt it.

Good luck op.

changedtempforprivacy · 13/12/2019 02:13

I'm sorry OP about your family situation. I am the family scapegoat and it has caused me many problems. Yes, if you have no other supportive family them my suggestion isn't very helpful.
Understanding you are the scapegoat is key to understanding how you have gotten into an abusive relationship and breaking free of it.
Agree with looking at parallel parenting. It sounds like your ex is not going to financially support your child, or be a positive influence in his life, so keep him away if you think he is going to be violent. Don't risk him assaulting you