I feel so lost

[45gas]

I know this isn't strictly a AIBU, but I am in desperate need of help.

I have just turned 25 and feel like I am really failing at life. I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks since I was 12 years old. I have also recently been diagnosed with Responsibility OCD (I worry excessively that I will harm others). I have had CBT, every antidepressant under the sun and counselling. Nothing seems to help.

I have a First Class degree and my undergraduate dissertation got published in a peer-review journal. I left Uni with every to hope for. And here I am, 2 years later, completely lost and struggling to function. I started a Masters last September and have had extenuating circumstances for an exam, which I am due to resit this January.

I have achieved well on all other components of the Masters. I only need to pass this exam to get a good level Masters.

And yet, when I try to revise, I end up vomiting, having panic attacks, self-harming and end up having to abandon any effort to do so. It's so so out of proportion - I only need to pass! And I know I know my stuff. It's like my mind is saying "nope, not today!" and every time I try and overcome the darkness of the black mood I am currently under, anxiety rears its head and makes me stop.

My living situation has not improved over the last two years. To save money, I have lived at homes with my parents whilst I did my MSc. I have previously had a good job as a wellbeing tutor, but my OCD became so paranoid about saying the wrong thing to a young person, that I ended up having to leave in November this year. I currently work in retail, which crushes my soul as I know I should be getting jobs like all of my friends (who achieved less than I have done academically).

My parents try their best. But my mum is an alcoholic and the house is small. She was abused as a child, and has been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She recently lost her best friend, and this has impacted on her drinking and she constantly drinks and starts arguments with my dad. I feel like a child holed up in my room studying trying to drain out the noise. She knocks on the door too, crying and telling me she wishes she was dead.

I recently read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and it fits me well. Especially the combination of hearing voices sometimes, feeling "not real", self-harming, meeting up with men for sex off dating apps to "feel real" and then experiencing intense shame and disgust with myself, wanting to die, and not achieving much.

I am now panicking again - I am about 4 weeks away from an exam I know in my state I cannot do. I am at a loss of what to do - I don't think I will ever improve - shall I just leave with a PGDip? I feel like such a failure. But I cannot live in this environment indefinitely, feeling the way I am feeling with my mum, I need to get in the real world, get a proper job I enjoy and be a normal adult. I feel like I have messed up my life; I could have achieved so much, but I haven't.

What would you all advise me to do?
How can i do the exam?

I presumably you can obtain medical evidence and apply to have your Masters suspended or postponed? Don’t do anything which you might later regret. Then go back to your doctor and ask about BPD. Your students’ union should have lots of support and advice for those with MH problems too.
Sounds like you need to talk through your housing situation with someone supportive too.

Hello - I hope that posting this made you feel better. I don't think this is the right place for you to be posting, but I'm so sorry that you feel like this. I just wanted to send some moral support your way.

It's really, really hard to advise, because you have so much going on. But I've taught Masters students in the past (not now) and maybe the following will be useful:

• anxiety and depression among university students is so, so common. You're not alone, and it's not a personal failing. Go to your GP immediately if you haven't already - you can request an emergency appointment if the alternative is a two or three week wait. Also see if your university's counselling services has drop-in sessions as well as being referred for counselling - perhaps you may also have access to services like the Big White Wall. register.bigwhitewall.com/

• I've also taught self-funding students and students living at home to save money. It's genuinely tough. Don't be so hard on yourself for finding it hard so close to the finishing line.

• If you want to just finish the exam, perhaps aim to do a very small amount of revision say 4 days a week for the next three weeks. Of course it depends on your subject but I'm assuming it's arts/humanities/social sciences. Read through seminar slides, read some abstracts of the key readings, find blogs on the topic you're preparing. This is well within your capacity and you've done much more in the past. Think of it as beginning a careful recovery after a sports injury. Work gently up to preparing a couple of standard exam question essay plans in Week 4. The key is little and often, not binging on a subject. A good night's sleep and a sensible attempt at the required number of questions will add a lot of value.

It's actually hard for examiners not to pass reasonable answers. They actively look for evidence that the criteria have been met, rather than reasons to withdraw marks. It mightn't feel like it, but the assessors are on your side and want you to pass. But it's also hard to give credit to questions which have not been attempted at all.

• Apply for 'extenuating circumstances' and make sure you keep the department informed of your health issues. If they don't know, they can't help at all.

• If you are too unwell, why not ask if you can suspend until the next exam season, just to give you some time to recoup, and defer the decision. You're presenting it as now-or-never but there may be other options.

• If you really do have to finish now and can't suspend, a PGDip and excellent first degree are great achievements. Look at how well you've done rather than seeing this as a failure. Once you have shown you can achieve well in a university context, a Masters doesn't really add that much value to employers. As it stands, you are young, you have been working and studying, there is absolutely nothing in your profile as summarised above that makes you look like a failure.

• It does sound as if you need to prepare to get some distance from what sounds a really difficult home situation. You can't solve problems which are not under your control, and it's not wrong to prioritise self-preservation.

• Many clever, committed and hard-working people work in retail. Some even climb through the ranks and build rewarding, well-paid careers. So don't diminish what you're currently doing. If it's not for you, remember it's not for ever. Be proud of all you've achieved and trust in the future waiting for you.

Look after yourself. Remember you are intelligent, hard-working, clearly write well, and are worthy of the life you want to lead.

I don't know what to say to help your mind feel better, it must be so difficult for you

You've come so far in your journey though, and doing a masters is amazing. You can totally do this, and be very proud of yourself when you do