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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift for coaches from all children or only those who contributed?

50 replies

Tweedledeedumb · 08/12/2019 18:26

Local club and we are doing a whip around for coaches gifts.

Half of parents have put in £10-£20 (there was no suggested amount or figure but club is very cheap compared to others and I think most parents recognise this and want to thank coaches.

Some parents actively avoided (fine it's an expensive time of year, a couple who have issues with one coach or another (and why they dont just leave is beyond me) have vocally refused even without being asked. (We are not chasing for money)

We have collected from around half parents. Children are 11/12 years.

So question. Should gift be from all or not?

I know what I think but I have a different view from others in the group so would like your input.

OP posts:

Spied · 08/12/2019 19:50

If i was one of the people who had a problem with the coach then I wouldn't want to be grouped into it being from me too.
Maybe put 'from all - except spied'.
Seems sad those who can't afford it are left out.

MakeItRain · 08/12/2019 20:07

I think it would be nicer for the coach (and the children whose parents aren't paying because they have no spare money) if it just said from the team. But I also understand the parents who contributed wanting the coach to know who it's from. In this instance I would go with what would be nicer for the coach/ children.

whiteroseredrose · 08/12/2019 20:21

When DC we're at primary school the class rep gave a sticky label for each child that contributed. Child wrote message then all were stuck into the card. Much easier than handing a card around.

It sounds like the parents that contributed have been generous so I'd let the coaches know who in this case. At school when the donation was £1 or £2 not so much.

Northernsoullover · 08/12/2019 20:23

I've been that person who hasn't contributed to a group thing. 5.00 at the time was more useful on my electric meter. I don't really care if the card was signed from me or not, however now that my finances are better if it were me organising it I would just sign it from the whole team.
If people feel that strongly about little Johnny or Joanna getting glory they should buy an individual gift.
Its either a team gift or it isn't.

Lifeinaplasticbox · 08/12/2019 20:48

What is it they say, do the right thing, even when no one is watching.

Vulpine · 08/12/2019 20:53

I would just do it from people who contributed but i try not to get involved in group gifts partly for this reason

ToastyFingers · 08/12/2019 21:03

Dh coaches a kids sports club. He'd be gutted if any of the kids felt bad because the parents couldn't contribute.

I'd let all the kids sign the card, they're the ones who appreciate the club and I can't imagine the coach cares about which parents like him or not.

Vulpine · 08/12/2019 21:05

Parents who cant afford to contribute to a gift could arrange a group card. Its not all about money

NailsNeedDoing · 08/12/2019 21:10

Sign it from the team. I’ve been given a similar gift in the past which the organising parent signed ‘from these children only’ then listed their names. While I was very thankful for the time, money and effort she had put in to organising the gift, it did also come across as a little petty.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 08/12/2019 21:15

Only the gift givers sign the card that goes with the gift obviously.
To those saying they shouldn’t want recognition, do you write «from x» on the birthday/christmas presents you give? Why is it different?
Everybody knows that it is the parents that buy the gift and IMO the children never ask if their name is on the card, as they either assume it is, don’t care or aret even aware that there is a card that some people have signed and some haven’t.

Maybe83 · 08/12/2019 21:18

From the team.

I have been in the position at this time of year were contributing 5 or 10 to class gift/coaches gift etc just isnt possible and felt totally shit for my dd.

It's a team of children and kindness goes a long way so I would say from the team.

ManiacalLapwing · 08/12/2019 21:23

It should be from the whole group, the children don't decide if their parents are able to, or want to contribute.

TowerRavenSeven · 08/12/2019 21:24

Only those that contributed.

ManiacalLapwing · 08/12/2019 21:27

How do you know how much the parents contributed? Aren't you using a brown envelope or similar so parents can contribute what they can afford, such as a couple of £, without fear of being judged? If I saw everyone was giving £10-20 I'd avoid contributing too.

carolinelucaseshandbag · 08/12/2019 21:29

I'm on the fence.
We do a collection for the end of year teacher / TA present. It's not mandatory, more for us who can't be arsed to but individual gifts. We put the names of the kids who've contributed on the card. Usually those that don't want to join in chose not to because they choose either buy or make something separate.
If that's the case here, why would you put the names of kids who's parents had chosen not to contribute? They may be getting their own gift. If they may not feel the coach deserves a gift. Lack of funds isn't the only reason.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 09/12/2019 00:27

Gift should be from entire team.
The kids of parents who dont contribute have no say.
Doesnt seem fair

Nos123 · 09/12/2019 00:34

It’s sad that the children of the parents who couldn’t afford to give money would be made to look less giving/kind/thankful, etc. We have £70 for Xmas (the rest of the month) now that all of our bills have gone out and can’t afford to give any presents. It’s not something I’d necessarily want to explain so you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Ladybirdman · 09/12/2019 01:04

From all the children.

QuiteForgetful · 09/12/2019 03:38

Merry Christmas from the team.

Oblomov19 · 09/12/2019 04:05

Is this a football club? I doubt it's because they can't afford it. More like they don't want to? They can't afford a tenner?

(Yes some people can't afford many things, there are many families that can't afford things, but surely if that was the case this might have come to light before, because this hobby - football is not cheap, and does require utter commitment and money to get to every training, every match etc!)

Football clubs, it isn't cheap, driving all over the county for away matches etc.

But a couple have avoided? Op said. And another couple aren't happy with the Coach? So that's 4 out of the team? Is this really to do with the fact they can't afford it? Or more to do with the fact they actually don't want to?

Toomanygerbils · 09/12/2019 04:12

Most places I’ve worked with have a card go around for people to sign and write messages, a separate envelope inside for anonymous gifting of cash. If it’s someone I like I’ll put in, if it’s someone I don’t I won’t. They never have to know nor does anyone else.

CaramelCrunch · 09/12/2019 04:28

I would sign it from the team, not put individual names at all - I think it should be about the receiver not the giver.

To the PP who likened it to family Christmas gifts, I always write "from Caramel, MrCrunch, SmallCrunch &TinyCrunch" even though it's me that will have likely bought it and wrapped it. It would feel petty to just write my name!

Episcomama · 09/12/2019 04:34

Those that contributed sign the card, unfair on those who have given to include those that didn’t

But why? Surely you don't give with the intention of getting "credit" for the gift? Including those who couldn't/wouldn't contribute does not negate the goodwill of those who did. I detest that kind of attitude.

Episcomama · 09/12/2019 04:35

What is it they say, do the right thing, even when no one is watching. Exactly!

zucchinicourgette · 09/12/2019 04:42

From everyone. Because the purpose is to make the coach feel valued, not to get brownie points from those who were willing or able to contribute. You don’t want them to feel like they have to navigate parental resentments.

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