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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to leave - but can't......I need some advice!

23 replies

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 14:34

Hi guys, not sure if this is AIBU or not but I'm in a bit of a state so I'm asking you lovely lot for advice. I have changed my name as all a bit outing.

So, here goes. Been with partner for 9 years. It was a fling but I ended up pregnant and had the baby. Three years later, he was diagnosed with ASD. It was a stressful, upsetting time but we got through it and 4 years later baby no 2 came along.

He was diagnosed with ASD too and now they are 9 and 5. Life is hard. It's stressful and I've known for a long time my relationship with my OH is not right. We are no longer intimate - I previously believed this was because I'm so tired all the time, but now I'm not so sure. I just think I'm not attracted to him - we are so different. He is a lovely man, but I don't think we bring out the best in each other.

He is an amazing Dad, very hands on and I'm very lucky but recently I have started to have feelings for someone else. This has really made me question my own happiness and life. Nothing can happen with other person as he is married with three children and he doesn't know about the strength of my feelings - nor will he. But it's made me realise I want more from my life. More for me. I feel so trapped as I cant end the relationship because quite honestly I wouldn't cope on my own - one is severely autistic needed care all the time.

Also, I work from home but don't bring in enough to support myself and two children. Over the last few days I've become really upset, frustrated and anxious. I feel so trapped in this life and theres not much I can do - youngest boy probably will need lifelong care, and thats fine. But what I can't get my head around is being in a relationship where there's no love, no intimacy. Having feelings for this other person has made me realise that yes, I do want a lovely relationship, but with my current partner I don't think its possible.

Yet, I can't leave - it would destroy the children and they need routine and stability. But at the same time, doesn't my happiness matter?

I'm just becoming increasingly anxious - not to mention I can't stop thinking about this other person and it's driving me mental. Today I can't stop crying - these feelings have totally blindsided me and sent me all in a pickle.

We are not married - have separate finances (as in no joint account) and I own half the house if that's relevant. I have MH problems but have been stable for a while until now - I feel like I'm going under again!

Thanks guys - just needed to vent really xx

OP posts:

Akire · 08/12/2019 14:39

There is always a choice, you need to talk to him as would be much easier if you both agreed to split or a trial and he moved out. Always easier for you and the kids to stay than you to move. In mean time if you do split while under the same roof you can start claiming top up benefits as a single person to see what you may get and how that would help with mortgage.

Not saying it’s easy at all, but you do have right to be happy.

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 14:48

Thanks for your reply - I dont' really know much about benefits apart from DLA which I claim for both children. I often think the ideal scenario would be a renting a house over the road or very close by - I live in a terrace and theres always loads to rent!

OP posts:

Thatagain · 08/12/2019 15:09

You can do anything! Please don't tell yourself you cannot leave. YOU CAN! You are a good person it got that from your thread as someone else would of cheated in your situation. You have separate finances and although it maybe tighter you can still GO. Good luck op.

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 15:19

Thatagain thanks for saying that - that's picked me up no end as I do actually feel terrible for having these thoughts! But never ever would I cheat, it's not fair on him.

I know I could leave, but what about the kids? I could never uproot them and anyway, I they have such a great bond with their dad it all seems a bit cruel to them. This is why I feel torn - putting them first has always and will be my priority to the point where I have fought myself into the ground to get them the help they need. But now, I feel I deserve a bit of a life too?

OP posts:

Aveisenim · 08/12/2019 16:19

I think there are two separate issues here;

You fancy someone else, not the end of the world but also completely normal. The important thing is what you do with that knowledge.

You have children with SEN and you are quite understandable, worn out. Do you ever get any time to yourself? Do you get time to socialise without the children or your partner?

The important question is, do you love your partner? All relationships have peaks and troughs. Some times are simply happier than others and sometimes you will be mismatched in that regard. No relationship is perfect. Fancying someone else doesn't mean your relationship is over if you don't want it to be.

None of this means you shouldn't leave at all. It may help you determine, however, if things are fixable in the long term or not.

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 17:18

No I don't really have alot of adult company at all - I don't go out very often either. So life is pretty one dimensional.

I don't really love him as a partner should - I love him as a friend, and appreciate the fab dad he is, but no, I don't think I love him as a OH (never admitted that before)

Maybe I should make my excuses not to clap eyes on my crush atm, it's probably clouding my judgement. I see him and then get all weird and out of sorts afterwards!

What a pickle eh?

OP posts:

Aveisenim · 08/12/2019 17:22

Admitting you don't is important, and will help you decide what you need to do from here. What's best for your kids is having happy parents as well as routine. Leaving will be difficult but new routines and stability will be found for them. In the meantime, make time for yourself, even if it's just going to the hairdresser, or getting your nails done. What's something you enjoy? I'm pretty much a homebody, so for me, it's things like knitting, reading and gaming. Maybe see if you can organise to go to the cinema with a friend or something?

itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 17:32

Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. There are things that can be done if you both want to attempt to get the relationship back on track. If it's too late for that, work together to separate and coparent amicably.
It's not fair to stay with your dp purely because he provides practical support. He deserves someone who loves him, just like you do.

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 17:35

cathy you are so right - he does deserve that xx

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2019 17:41

If he is a good dad, he will still want to spend a lot of time with the DC and they can still have a good relationship with him if you do separate. I'm divorced and my DS has a great relationship with his dad.

You will get help with Universal Credit to top up your earnings.

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 17:49

You can certainly leave, and you can leave because you are tired, because he is nasty, because you are bored, because whatever but do not leave because there could be a better man out there.

There are, but they are difficult to find, especially when you work from home and it is difficult to find a baby sitter or any time to go out/increase your social circle.

I would start by trying to increase that network of support, find ways to become more financially independent, find out if I can afford to leave and then take the plunge. Divorced are like weddings, you need to plan, prepare and save for the next step of your life.

ChristmasCroissant · 08/12/2019 17:52

I would be very wary of making any life-changing decisions if you are having a bit of a crisis in your mental health OP. Get that sorted first and look at the situation afterwards.

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 17:59

By the way, divorce is not a marriage with two households, as you move on, make new friends, get other commitments, find new partners, things will change.

I ended up in very good terms with my exH, he was a very hands on dad, always there for DS. If somebody would have told me that he would become so focused in his life and left me with the lion’s share of the responsibility to raise DS, I would have never believed it. But he did, I’m the sole carer of DS these days. It can go either way.

yellowallpaper · 08/12/2019 18:21

You have choices.
One is Remain with DH and work on the relationship.
Two is split up but be prepared to be a single mum and have all the care of both children at least half of the time.

You can't just have a dream of meeting the perfect guy who will be a great father to your children and a wonderful husband. Chances are not great for this happening although possible.

Ultimately if you will be happier by yourself without DH then you must do it.

yellowallpaper · 08/12/2019 18:23

And fixating on this 'dream man' who is presumably happily married and not interested in cheating and is not even aware how you feel, is schoolgirlish and hopeless.

MitziK · 08/12/2019 18:44

Are you certain that you had 'feelings' for that other person, or was it the temptation of a different life that you were attracted to?

Anybody who represents Escape can be extremely enticing.

PumpkinP · 08/12/2019 19:12

I don’t see why you can’t leave tbh. I’m a single mum to 4 one with asd and my ex is absent yet I get on with it. Sounds like your ex will still be very much involved if he is such a great dad.

Akire · 08/12/2019 20:09

You keep saying you don’t want move but why can’t he move? If it’s not money that’s issue if you could afford stay in the same street. It makes sense for the children to have as much normality as normal. Specially if have extra needs.

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 21:54

Thanks guys - I'm reading all the responses and taking them all on board.

Just to clarify, yes I would struggle financially as don't make enough to cover everything on my own right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

inapickle1984 · 08/12/2019 21:57

I have absolutely no idea why I have become so fixated on this other person. it doesn't make sense to me - I don't even know him that well, all I know is that I keep thinking about him all the time.

Perhaps I am having a mental health crisis, they hit me every now and again. I'm on medication but I probably think my mood is low because of sheer stress and tiredness.

OP posts:

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 22:42

Perhaps you are just having a crush, I have found out that if you don’t talk about them, they go as easily as the came after a few weeks.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/12/2019 23:07

Hi op

Your crush and feelings for the other person is an escape from your everyday life
But it has also made you aware what is lacking in your life now, it's the possibility of a bit of happiness which you don't feel you have now

It sounds like you're unconscious has grasped the baton and run with it,
You have crush= you are a living feeling person
Your real life= frustration no intimacy no outlet no down time
Unconscious says so what you gonna do about it?
You= panic guilt anxiety

Op if you break it all down it down in to bite size pieces, it's easier to deal with a bit at a time.
The main thing is communication, because if you don't release some of these intense feelings, then you're storing up a whole lot of potential mental health probs.

Xmas is probably the wrong side of the year to start taking action, but the first thing is to talk to someone empathic and who will listen.
You need a plan, and it's going to involve your partner and some deep communication. 💐

Singlenotsingle · 08/12/2019 23:15

How old are the DC? Can't you put your plans on ice until they're older? That would give you time to prepare yourself for life on your own. Maybe study and develop a career so that you can look after yourself and the DC? Or work on finding friends and getting a bit of a social life?

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