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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable visitation and moving away

50 replies

Stressedmamma19 · 08/12/2019 10:55

Hello!

The father of my child, whom I was never romantically involved with (I'm gay, and he raped me) has been granted parental responsibility and he was given visitation in a contact centre. He requested every 2nd weekend for sleepover and a night through the alternative week for a meal. We were building up to this, though I was against it wholeheartedly.

I recieved a letter stating he is now wanting week day sleepovers. My daughter is away to start nursery and he isnt going on her forms so therefore cannot take her or pick her up from nursery. He also stated he cant commit to a specific 3 days so my daughters expected to just be free whenever he has the days off work. I'm finding this very unreasonable. Is he likely to get weekday sleepovers??

We tried residential contact at a weekend a few times. She came home dirty, strange Mark's like bruising to her chest and a burn to her nose, and then a complete behavioural change. She went from sleeping all night in her bed, to screaming and crying for hours, no calming her. She would sleep at her door on the floor and needed to be as close to me and my wife as she could be. Because of all these factors we stopped residential immediately and the behaviours have stopped. Shes back in her bed full nights no crying and is pretty much her normal self again. So I'm also trying to stop sleepovers until shes old enough because it really did impact her negatively. However if a court was to grant it, could they grant any random days the father has free?

Also, me and my wife want to move away with our daughter. Still in scotland, maybe 50 miles away maximum. It's because we live in a small town and theres nothing here for our daughter. Theres no soft play, or groups just a small town with a park and a handful of shops. I hate being here, I cant bare banging into my rapist daily. Can he do anything to make me have to stay in our hometown? Theres nothing here for us,my daughter gets fed up because we cant actually do anything theres nothing here and we could move somewhere were theres more activities, choices of schools etc

OP posts:
churchandstate · 08/12/2019 11:02

This sounds unbearable for you, OP. Have you made a complaint of rape to the police? Surely they can’t force you to send your DD to sleep over in the home of a sex offender? I would make the police complaint and then move house. Let him take you to court.

19lottie82 · 08/12/2019 11:02

Honestly? I’m sure plenty on here won’t agree with me, but I’d just go. Move and don’t tell him where to.

Original poster
Stressedmamma19 · 08/12/2019 11:06

The rape is on file, but I'm in the process of being diagnosed with ptsd and therapy so was advised to wait until I was stronger to proceed with reporting it as it currently makes me unwell just discussing it. And I've been advised even if I press charges hell still have access because he has no crimes against children so therefore isn't seen as a danger to my daughter (I've spoken to both police and solicitors so several people with the same answer). He also has a weird fetish for nappies and I felt this could be paedophilia but apparently they dont consider that even though my daughter is in nappies and he is attached to people in nappies. I seem to have no say even though my daughters in danger!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressedmamma19 · 08/12/2019 11:07

@19lottie82 can I get in trouble for that? Theres a court order that states hes to see her every 2nd Saturday at a contact centre. Its not fair because he can just move away but he can stop me moving away??

OP posts:
churchandstate · 08/12/2019 11:08

Just leave, is my advice. He sounds like he could easily be a risk to your DD, and it is far from certain that he would even take you to court, let alone win. Good luck.

Leavingthebeginning · 08/12/2019 11:08

I agree. There’s no way my child would be having contact with a rapist.

I’d move abroad if I had to, court ordered contact or not. This contact is not in her best interests, and it’s traumatic for both of you. Please keep your daughter safe.

Theendofmyrope · 08/12/2019 11:09

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FairyBatman · 08/12/2019 11:10

Can you get in trouble for moving away if you still take her to the contact centre?

Also did you take photos of the bruises and burn? Can you get social services involved?

1Morewineplease · 08/12/2019 11:10

I think you might need to get some legal advice for your situation.
Perhaps also self refer to Early Help ( or the Scottish equivalent.)
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation and, to be honest, I would probably move away anyway but you mustn’t fall foul of the law.

Good luck OP and I hope you get some resolution.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/12/2019 11:10

Honestly? I’m sure plenty on here won’t agree with me, but I’d just go. Move and don’t tell him where to

This. Don't put yourself on the electoral roll make it harder to find you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. No way would I never stand for a rapist having my DD sleep over. And contrary to popular belief the system is MASSIVELY stacked against women.

19lottie82 · 08/12/2019 11:12

Stressed possibly, but

A - they’re not going to throw you in jail

And

B - it sounds like taking the risk would definitely be worth it.

Stevienickssleeves · 08/12/2019 11:13

If the court says contact centre, stick to that. You were not and are not obliged to do overnights. He does not need to know where you live either.

bobstersmum · 08/12/2019 11:13

My advice would be move as far away as you possibly can, I would not let this man near my child, you poor thing you have my full sympathy

Original poster
Stressedmamma19 · 08/12/2019 11:13

@Theendofmyrope its absolutely against my wants or beliefs. I've been to 2 solicitors, citizens advice, a psychologist for the ptsd and yet because his crimes are not against a child he has the right to see her and it kills me. So I want to move away but a friend has said he can stop me leaving and I have no say in mine or my daughters life because a court get the final say

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 08/12/2019 11:15

Get this moved to Legal OP. There are some very knowledgeable posters on there.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 08/12/2019 11:15

Id move much further away than 50 miles. I’d go as far as I could and not tell him where, I’d refuse to let him have her no matter how much trouble I could get it and I’d speak to literally everyone I could - Professionals and charities - to discuss your daughters worrying behaviour when she got back from his house and what this might mean. It must be so frightening for you! Don’t let him have her again. Literally fck the court order, it’s monstrous that they’re forcing you to hand your child over to a fcking rapist with a creepy paedo-ish fetish. This is by far the most upsetting thing I’ve ever read on MN and I feel for you OP, I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Keep her away from him at all costs.

Original poster
Stressedmamma19 · 08/12/2019 11:16

@FairyBatman that's what I'm concerned about! I'm court ordered to do the centre so I can get in trouble so I'm literally trapped by my rapist again. I have photos of everything and my wife has every message exchange between her and the father where he tries to explain all the odd Mark's and behaviours I think they're going to do a child welfare hearing but I have no faith in the legal system now

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 08/12/2019 11:16

I'd honestly move abroad if that's what it took to ensure no contact. The system doesn't protect children or women properly at all. No way in hell would I let that excuse of a human being have my child overnight.

user1471449295 · 08/12/2019 11:28

I’d move. Show the photos to police and social services. Fuck him. The legal system is a disgrace

atankofskunks · 08/12/2019 11:41

I am (I guess naively) gob smacked that this low life should ever be allowed access to a child. What the hell is wrong with society where this could ever be acceptable.
Move away OP. For the good of your vulnerable daughter. Don't let him see her again, even in a contact centre and most certainly not at home). Why did you allow that, when it's not on the court order anyway??

Waitingforadulthood · 08/12/2019 12:08

God this is awful- it's inhumane and neglectful I'm so many ways. Were social services involved when she came home with bruises etc? I'd fight tooth and nail against overnights and move away ASAP.

Casander · 08/12/2019 12:17

I don't think I've ever said this on here but I'd also take the child and run, he'd have to bloody find me before he got access to my child, court order or not.

And this is coming from someone who has been through the court system and has a child arrangements order.

I'm so sorry OP.

SansaSnark · 08/12/2019 12:32

This sounds utterly horrendous for you.

IANAL, but my suggestion would be- apply for a variation to the court order on the grounds that contact is upsetting your child. Whilst this is waiting to be dealt with, I would move as far away as possible (as others have said, I would consider a move abroad).

As I understand it, he would have to apply for an enforcement order- which a) requires expense/effort from him and b) I believe difficult if you have already applied for a variation and explained you believe your daughter is at risk of harm.

This would hopefully get you some breathing space to deal with your trauma, and maybe take the rape allegation further.

AFIAK, he has no legal right to stop you moving, but it may be different in Scotland.

I agree though, post this in legal too!

Crazyoldmaurice · 08/12/2019 12:40

Ignore your psychologist. Go to the police asap and report the rape NOW. Report to social services. Cover yourself.

Move away as far as you possibly can. Do not let your daughter anywhere near this pig.

Cherrysoup · 08/12/2019 12:49

Please report this, it will support you in denying him contact and being able to move. I can’t pretend to know how you feel, but I’d be incandescent that he was allowed contact, how the fuck can that happen?