AIBU to want to know why is this called shitstirring?

[2020isnearlyhere]

I see it a lot on here where OP says ‘ In-laws said this about me and DH told me.. “ or “ so and so said this, and friend told me” then most MNers say “ Well why would your friend /DH tell you that? Sounds like shitstirring. I don’t understand this mentality, wouldn’t you want to know if someone talked behind your back and told your friend or DH? Or in-laws saying something about you to DH. Would you rather want your DH keep it from you? I wouldn’t like that at all, and would want to know if someone said something behind my back. Especially in-laws/friends.

Well it depends doesn't it?

In Laws tell DH they are upset with you and you have hurt their feelings

Fine to tell you

In Laws have joked that they find your laugh as annoying as Jimmy Carrs?

Telling you is only shit stirring - you didn't need to know and it has created conflict

It's shit stirring because if the hearer of the comments was really that concerned about them, then they would have stood up for you when the comments were made. By saying nothing and then running back and telling you so and so said this about you, there is literally nothing you can do except feel bad about yourself. If you say something to the third party you'll probably sound a little unhinged.

I think it's about motivation. Shitstirring is about intentionally trying to cause trouble. Passing on second hand information isn't necessarily shitstirring if it's done with decent intentions.

There is a clear difference between telling someone because you think they need to know, and telling someone because you want to cause trouble. It can be picked up in the phrasing.
Example: someone I was friends with messaged me out of ‘concern’ about me looking unwell. She could have said ‘How are you feeling? Mary said the other day you still seemed ill’. Instead she said ‘Hope you’re feeling better. Someone said they saw you the other day and you still looked really ill’. First one is genuine concern. Second one is a backhanded insult and wants me to speculate on who ‘someone’ was, trying to cause problems between us.