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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DS does this activity

25 replies

MercedesDeMonteChristo · 07/12/2019 21:55

DS(11) does an activity once a month, it has a cost. He does it with two friends, one of whom he no longer goes to school with so it is when they hang out. Quite a bit of effort is required by the people who run it and they have a special session for the end of term. He also has to put some effort into it in between sessions, which he does with a little reminding but no resistance. This activity has a long waiting list so attendance once committed is expected.

Next week it is this month's session, but he has just been selected by his peers at school to take part in an inter-form sports tournament and really wants to do it. There are two games next week and one falls on the day of the pre-arranged activity. There is no requirement that you have to attend both sessions to take part so he could still do the sporting activity later in the week. I've also found out via his brother that he is actually a sub so not guaranteed to play.

He desperately wants to play and I am happy for him not to sign up to the first activity next term if he no longer wants to, but I think he should attend next week. He has also said he doesn't necessarily want to give up the first activity.

I think I have enabled voting.

YABU - I should let him miss the monthly activity.
YANBU - He should accept he is already committed.

OP posts:
Original poster
MercedesDeMonteChristo · 07/12/2019 22:09

Wow AIBU moves fast, no sooner had I pressed post than the post was more than half way down the page.

OP posts:
Original poster
MercedesDeMonteChristo · 08/12/2019 09:21

Bumping to understand why people have voted the way that they have.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 08/12/2019 09:24

I’ve put yanbu purely because he doesn’t have a guaranteed spot AND the previous commitment is specially arranged

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:24

He committed, there’s cost, and there’s a waiting list for the activity and he’d have deprived someone else of the opportunity and not used it himself.

He can still do the sports thing for one session.

easyandy101 · 08/12/2019 09:24

Give him a pass and let him do the tournament

Witchend · 08/12/2019 09:43

If he normally goes without a fuss, then I think the one off takes priority.

If you say he can't miss it for something that come up once, and he's been chosen to do it, then he'll very quickly get resentful of the first activity.

This is, of course, assuming that he hasn't missed several sessions this year for similar things.

I tend to say to mine that they're committed to an activity and they miss it for very little-other than illness they'll almost always be there. But it does sound like this is something that he really wants to do and may not get another opportunity-especially if he then says he can only do half.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:50

The school thing sounds like an internal sports event: not a big thing.

Original poster
MercedesDeMonteChristo · 08/12/2019 09:51

He says he will likely be dropped if he can’t commit to both days as they will pick someone who can. He normally goes to the other activity with no problem whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
MercedesDeMonteChristo · 08/12/2019 09:53

Loopy that is it. But for him, it is massive, he doesn’t often get picked for things like this and he is Y7 so there is a lot of forging of friendships/acceptance stuff going on.

OP posts:
myself2020 · 08/12/2019 09:57

Let him go to the tournament- in year 7 it’s important!

InfiniteCurve · 08/12/2019 10:09

Yes,let him do the tournament.One off,important for his school life,and he really wants to do it.
If you make him miss that for his regular activity then you'll create resentment of you and the activity.
(And not to run down the efforts of the people running his regular activity but I think you expect commitment and attendance the vast majority of the time but should accept that sometimes other activities will take priority.)

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 08/12/2019 10:28

If there's no requirement to attend both days of the school sport thing then why would they drop someone in favour of one who can do both? Will the subs definitely get a chance to play or not?

I think he has to decide what his priority is. If the once a month thing is going to be dropped in favour of one-off events then he has to decide if its that important to him. No point paying out money and finding that every other month something else comes up. "but I missed it for x so can't I just miss it for y?"

But maybe I'm just a bit strict on commitment to things. Party invitations are turned down in favour of ice skating lessons, holidays are booked to miss as few as possible. This is DDs preference and if she wasn't as committed to skating we wouldn't be running to the rink twice a week for several hours already.

icantbecani · 08/12/2019 11:33

School tournaments take priority in my view. It's a one off. It's a big deal to represent your school and very important for self confidence.

BlueJava · 08/12/2019 11:49

I'd give priority to the tournament. It will be very important to him, and it's fantastic he's been picked and has the opportunity. I'd let him skip off his weekly activity.

RedskyToNight · 08/12/2019 12:16

As a one off I'd let him do the tournament. I'd also reassess whether he really actually still wants to keep doing the monthly activity - it sounds like it might be becoming a habit, and he will potentially have different priorities now he's older (and at secondary school?). If the friendship with the other boy who does it is important, I'm sure they can work out other ways to meet up.

melj1213 · 08/12/2019 12:46

Give the tournament priority. It's a one off event that he has been picked for (when you admit he usually isn't) to participate in with his class at school. In Yr 7 these kind of things are where friendships are forged/strengthened and if he wants to participate then you should let him.

Don't make the regular activity a chore or he will end up resenting it and probably stop going. As a kid I was a Brownie/Guide and we had Church Parades once a month. I also loved netball and was part of the squad for my year, but competition for my position was high so the coach would regularly rotate us. My school was very competitive in netball, we were often county champions and almost all of the "starting players" in each year group played for the county and/or country at youth level. I still remember having to beg my mum for days to allow me to go to a 2 day national netball tournament 3hrs away because it happened to fall on a church parade weekend. I still remember making the argument that if Church Parades took precedence over everything else then I didnt want to do them any more, and if that meant quitting Guides to have that flexibility of the occasional free Sunday for a netball tournament then so be it.

churchandstate · 08/12/2019 13:01

What is the activity? If it’s chess and he has been picked to sub for the football team at school, then you can see his point. Making friends and being part of a team is a big deal at this age.

Original poster
MercedesDeMonteChristo · 08/12/2019 16:43

The monthly activity is an art based activity and it is football. Rightly or wrongly at his boys school being picked is a massive deal.

OP posts:
charm8ed · 08/12/2019 16:47

Tournament

TheChippendenSpook · 08/12/2019 16:50

I'd let him do the football. It's a one off and it means a lot to him.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 08/12/2019 16:50

Honestly? For boys at this age, peer group acceptance is critical. I would let him do the tournament and miss the monthly activity without question.

churchandstate · 08/12/2019 17:04

What does an art based activity mean, though? I still think let him do the football, but there might be a different view if you told us what the activity actually is.

myself2020 · 08/12/2019 17:12

Definitely let him go then! it is a big deal, and he will just resent the art based activity otherwise

BlaueLagune · 08/12/2019 17:13

School tournaments take priority in my view. It's a one off. It's a big deal to represent your school and very important for self confidence

I agree. Can someone else take his place on the other activity, someone mentioned above that he's depriving someone else of a place - is there a waiting list?

Floralnomad · 08/12/2019 17:20

Let him do the school thing it sounds like it’s quite important to him .

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