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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sneaking some presents under friends Christmas tree?

25 replies

WheresMyChocolate · 07/12/2019 18:19

I was joking about my husband's shit present shopping abilities the other day and my friend got quite tearful. Turns out her partner has never bought her anything, not for Christmas, birthdays or even mother's day. I know that she buys for him from her, their baby and her stepchildren.

So today I bought a couple of little items that I want to hide under the tree. She's been really low lately and I think finding a present which says 'to mummy' under the tree will mean so much to her. Alternatively it'll upset her more as it'll really show up how thoughtless her partner is.

So AIBU to do it?

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/12/2019 18:21

I'd worry she may think it was him.

Are you close enough to be out and about at the shops with her and baby? If so could you say "right baby and me are off down this aisle as she wants to get her mummy a surprise gift for chirstmas" then wrap it and pop it in the buggy for her to out under the tree?

MoaningMinniee · 07/12/2019 18:22

Yabu, it's not going to solve the long term problem of him being a useless wankbadger as she will discover very quickly that it wasn't him and the disappointment will be horrible.

Tonz · 07/12/2019 18:22

Definitely do it. Be nice for her to see someone cares enough that she matters too

MrsWhites · 07/12/2019 18:22

I think it’s a lovely idea. She is obviously already very upset by her partners thoughtless behaviour so I’m sure she would very much appreciate your gesture! You sound like a lovely friend!

MrsWhites · 07/12/2019 18:25

Given what others have said I would possible sign the gift card ‘from baby (and wheresmychocolate). Just so she doesn’t get her hopes up that her useless partner has made the effort and then be upset when she realises that he hasn’t!

Original poster

WheresMyChocolate · 07/12/2019 18:25

I did wonder about her thinking it was him. I did consider giving them to him to give to her, sort of 'I don't know if you've got anything yet, but I found these and knew she'd like them' faux ignorance. But he's so bloody useless he'd forget where he'd put them and she still wouldn't get anything.

OP posts:

Butterbeeeen · 07/12/2019 18:25

I do this with my friend. She is a widow and has young DC so on her birthday, xmas and mothers day il sneak a gift in ds bookbag at school. She always knows it's me and I always deny it

DeathStare · 07/12/2019 18:25

As a single mum who rarely gets presents I think this is a lovely idea. However I would be completely freaked out if it wasn't clear who had left them there.

Additionally, given the dynamic between herself and her husband this could really backfire if it's not clear they are from you. He could accuse her of doing it herself to start an argument or could even suspect an affair. Not the ideal Christmas Day!

I say definitely do it. But make it clear (on a label, or by text on Christmas Eve) that they are from you.

Original poster

WheresMyChocolate · 07/12/2019 18:32

I could just label it in English as it isn't their native language, then she'd know straight away who it was from. We're not in the UK so I stick out as the only Brit in the village.

OP posts:

Andysbestadventure · 07/12/2019 18:33

Call him out for being a useless shit, tbh. What a selfish prick.

WhereverIMayRoam · 07/12/2019 18:36

I really don’t see how sneaking a present under the tree is going to make her feel better. She’ll assume it’s from him and then be embarrassed to realise it’s not. Just buy her a thoughtful gift from you. Even if you don’t usually exchange gifts.

I did a stocking a few years ago for my friend who’d had a really tough year. She was surprised and protested but I told her honestly that I wanted her to have nice things to open on Christmas Day and to know that I love her and wanted to get her treats because I think she deserves them. She was very touched and it wasn’t a commentary on her shitty toxic family, it was just a “You’re my friend and you matter to me” gesture which she really needed at that time.

You don’t need to hide it or make it about the partners failings, just give her a gift from you because you want her to have it.

Original poster

WheresMyChocolate · 07/12/2019 18:37

I would call him out. My first thought was to message him and tell him how shit it was. Unfortunately his English isn't very good and my Polish is non existent, so communicating with him beyond hi/goodbye is very difficult.

OP posts:

MrsWhites · 07/12/2019 18:39

Could you invite her for a coffee or plan a little trip out as close to Christmas as possible and give them to her then. If the baby is big enough you could give them to them to hand to mummy.

ysmaem · 07/12/2019 18:45

I would probably not sneak it under the tree and instead give it to her face to face. As previously said you dont want to cause any drama or friction if she assumes it was her husband who put it there and she later finds out it wasn't. You dont want him to react badly either. This way you get the credit for it too so win win

Ifeelinclined · 07/12/2019 18:47

@Butterbeeeen how kind of you!

JeezyPeeps · 07/12/2019 18:51

Could you label it
'to mummy
from child's name (with a little bit of help from WheresMyChocolate)'

So it's still a surprise, but she knows how it got there?

summersherewishiwasnt · 07/12/2019 18:52

Very kind of you, just give her presents from you, why complicate it?

Dutchesss · 07/12/2019 19:11

I think it's a lovely idea.
It may make her cry, but that sadness will have already been there deep down and sometimes it's good to let the sadness out to make room for happiness.

wildcherries · 07/12/2019 19:22

Could you label it
'to mummy
from child's name (with a little bit of help from WheresMyChocolate)'

I'd do this.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 07/12/2019 20:27

@WheresMyChocolate Ask someone to translate, or just googletranslate and sent him ans anonymous text:
"Buy your partner an Xmas present you Scrooge!"

Lulualla · 07/12/2019 20:29

If you have his contact info then write a very strongly worded message, making sure to mention that she is so sad she cried, and use an online translator. Then send him the translation.

ShetlandWife · 07/12/2019 20:31

WheresMyChocolate Ask someone to translate, or just googletranslate and sent him ans anonymous text:
"Buy your partner an Xmas present you Scrooge

I don't think you will be doing this, but just in case, only do that if you know that they have a good relationship where he doesn't take it badly that she talks about him to her friends. That's one that could backfire.

cheesemumma · 07/12/2019 20:33

Yes, lovely idea. But work out a way so she knows it wasn't him. I wouldn't get involved in other peoples business. It's not worth the drama it may cause, but yes I'm sure shed really appreciate the gesture. Coming from someone with an equally shit husband.

Waveysnail · 07/12/2019 20:37

Label them to mummy from - kids name and your name

VenusTiger · 07/12/2019 21:00

@WheresMyChocolate in that case, when he’s on his own, pick up a gift from under the tree and say “you buy ‘friend’s name’ gift’ with lots of pointing. Pick up some gifts labelled to him and say “ ‘friend’s name’ has bought this and this for you” with more pointing.

Just tell the useless idiot! I couldn’t help myself if it was my friend.

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