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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stranger telling of DC/distressing an elderly woman

39 replies

57mama · 07/12/2019 15:40

DH and I took the DC and DH's parents out for lunch today. MIL has limited mobility and uses a wheelchair when out and about. Unfortunately, the cafe we ate at didn't have space for a wheelchair at the table so we helped MIL onto the bench and put the wheelchair in the corner. When we finished, DH and I went to the counter to pay while FIL helped MIL into the wheelchair. The DC sat there and didn't help, which is what we've always told them to do (they're 14 & 12 so probably could help but we don't want to risk injuring MIL any more). A man at the next table came over and started lecturing the DC about helping their nan! FIL made it very clear that he didn't want help, but the man wouldn't stop talking about how they were being disrespectful and lazy. Whilst he was saying this, he decided he was going to help instead! MIL was distressed by this as she doesn't like being touched by people she doesn't trust. AIBU to think this man was out of order for getting angry at 2 teenagers and attempting to "help" an elderly woman after being told he wasn't wanted multiple times?

OP posts:

Lulualla · 07/12/2019 17:31

@plunkplunkfizz

Oh that's so true. I was visiting my friend once and she is in a wheelchair. She had a plumber coming by so we were just having a tea and chatting. He came in and kept speaking over over he had, aiming everything at me. I repeatedly told him it was nothing to do with me and had to get quite angry about it. Then he tried to backtrack by engaging her in small talk but talked to her like you talk to a primary school child. When he asked why she was living alone and she told him she was studying aeronautical engineering at the uni nearby, his face was a picture. I've never seen someone look so shocked whilst trying to act like they're not. He was such a dick.

SmileyGiraffe · 07/12/2019 17:42

Who are the five cunts who've voted YABU? Fucking verminous cretins.

Dahlietta · 07/12/2019 17:54

Smiley, I was thinking that! This is one of those where you assume they either misunderstood the question or merely hit the wrong button by mistake.

SirGawain · 07/12/2019 17:56

I frequently offer to help an frail or disabled person but am always aware of the need to respect their wishes. A no, however expressed, is a no.

phoenix1404 · 07/12/2019 17:57

Straycatstrut

Phoenix people actually pat you on the head like a dog??

It doesn't happen often...but it happens. Like I said, makes me stabby,

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/12/2019 18:00

Lots of people think they are entitled to touch disabled people, it's not nice. My very fit teen would be no good at helping, he's a bit clumsy, and his gran would have preferred being helped by someone else too.

PizzaExpressWoking · 07/12/2019 18:06

Fucking hell, that's terrible.

I have a relative who uses a wheelchair and she said that once she paused on the pavement and some well-meaning person assumed she wanted to cross the road, grabbed the handles and forcibly wheeled her across with cheery cries of, "Don't worry, love, I'll take you!"

Relative didn't want to embarrass them and waited till they were out of sight before crossing back again.

But that pales into insignificance compared with this arsehole who actually laid hands on a person without permission.

Longtalljosie · 07/12/2019 18:07

Your poor MIL - what about her bodily autonomy? Choosing who gets to touch her? Awful.

Aridane · 07/12/2019 18:12

Why did it take two of you to pay?

< misses point of the thread >

Afternooninthepark · 07/12/2019 18:16

Some people just can’t help themselves and still don’t give up even when they are told not to. I am a pa for a wheelchair user, she is very capable of propelling her chair herself and I only help her in exceptional circumstances but people regularly take her handles and push her along without asking, one woman ‘helped’ push her though a shop doorway and nearly tipped her out of the chair. These people are idiots, the unhelpful helpfuls!

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/12/2019 18:38

I have done care work for most of my adult life, until becoming disabled myself. I have always gained the consent of those I am looking after before moving them or doing anything for/to them!

For a complete random to just leap in is so inappropriate!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/12/2019 19:43

@Aridane

I didnt miss the point of the thread as I said he was well out of order. However, given as the OP said we helped MIL to the seat, and speaking from experience where I know it is often easier for 2 people to help, I just wondered why 2 of the adults went to pay leaving 1 person to help MIL on their own.

Original poster

57mama · 07/12/2019 19:44

Thanks for replying, I didn't think I was BU! To the person who said the DC could have classes so they can help, we don't see them often as they live on the other side of the country, and FIL is always with them anyway. The reason it took 2 of us to pay was because DH wanted to pay as they're his parents but he's tight with money so I couldn't trust him to leave a tip

OP posts:

Aridane · 08/12/2019 02:35

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Oh I totally agree- I was making the same point and saying I was perhaps missing the point of the thread. I wasn't disagreeing with you

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