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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, how did you know your family was complete?

22 replies

RollOnNextYear · 07/12/2019 01:38

I have a teen.
DH has a dd
We have a 21m old together and 1 due in 7 weeks

I feel that should be it. We're fine for space and finances etc altho if had another it would be a struggle.

I'm 36 and this pregnancy has really knocked me. Not that I've had sickness etc. Just exhausted and uncomfortable (which is why I'm up now knackered but uncomfortable)

DH always says about 1.more after but I reckon he'd have a football team if he could.
But he would. Always respect my wishes and he knows its my body and I would do the majority of the workload as I'm a sahm and he works ft long hours
So. It's not like there would ever be any pressure from him.

He even said if I truly. Don't want more then he'd have a vasectomy.. But in my heart that's too ' final' but equally my body doesn't deal with hormonal pills etc and I've had a lot of previous issues with pills, implants then lead to ttc and fertility issues.

I think because of our previous fertility issues it scares me that, I wouldn't want to make a hasty decision if that makes sense?

But I think I know that I'm done.. I know I couldn't go thro pregnancy again. But I could the baby side of things.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2019 01:43

I knew I was done when I was pregnant with my second 21 years ago. Never changed my mind. Two is plenty.

Original poster

RollOnNextYear · 07/12/2019 01:46

Yeah my head is saying I'm done. And to a degree my heart is.. But I always stress about things I may regret and that eats at me so badly.

OP posts:

itsstillgood · 07/12/2019 04:42

The day after having ds2 the consultant said to me that I would never have another naturally. After 2 not straightforward pregnancies, a few weeks horrible hospital stay, health issues with me after wards and ds2 (minor by many standards but worrying and disruptive enough) the decision was easy. I didn't feel done as always wanted more and it took about 10 years for that almost physical yearning for another to subside. However I had two relatively healthy children and counted my lucky stars for that, wasn't fair to them or dh (who doesn't share my big family dream) for me to put them through strains and risks of having another.

Weedinosaurus · 07/12/2019 04:49

When I had my 2nd I thought I’d go for a 3rd. However, having him as a toddler makes me and dh think we just don’t want to do this again 🤣
Also we had awful secondary infertility problems and it almost destroyed our marriage and my mental health. I couldn’t go through that again. I count my blessings and and concentrate on being grateful for what I have.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 07/12/2019 05:25

It’s not. I always wanted a 3rd, but DH refused. DC are 8&6 now. I’ve made my peace and accepted it is never going to happen, got rid of all the baby stuff etc. we had really bad sleepers, so the first 4 years were hell. I look at people with babies now and just couldn’t go back to baby world.

BackBoiler · 07/12/2019 05:34

Our first two are four years apart. Our second two are 18m apart. Our third wasn't planned. I did always want three and I wanted my kids before aged 30 so I was done with the baby stage in one go but after my first we decided two would be enough but I found out I was pregnant again when my second was just over 9m old.

I was really worried for a couple of weeks and then excited but knew when the baby was born that was it. I'd not really felt that before.

My daughter was born a couple of months after my 29th birthday. When she was 7m old my DH had a vasectomy, then I had serious period issues so I'm glad I did have her when I did as I needed a hysterectomy at 33.

My youngest is 6 and my eldest is nearly 12 and I know another would be a real struggle as sometimes it can be quite tricky for us time and finances wise. We live quite well and with work etc we do still find time to socialise as adults, go on holiday etc.

elmosducks · 07/12/2019 05:37

When my doctor suggested I should considered being steralized during the delivery (c-section) for DC 3. I couldn't even entertain the idea as it didn't feel right.
When they offered me the same for the delivery of #4, I jumped at the opportunity!

Pixxie7 · 07/12/2019 05:48

With so many reliable forms of contraception you don’t have to rush to make a decision. Enjoy new baby in the mean time.

Myyearmytime · 07/12/2019 05:55

I always wanted a third. But it was never the right time . Got super brody in 40s but marriage was in trouble by then so was not going to happen . Ex never wanted anymore though. And we never talk about more kids either.

Gatehouse77 · 07/12/2019 05:59

When I did the pregnancy test for my third (child) and it was positive I remember thinking “And I’m done now”.

Fortunately, it was that simple for me! I suspect small age gaps played a part.

JoyceJames · 07/12/2019 06:11

For me, it was when I did want another baby but decided against because of age, and because of it being one too many for comfort.

EmmaJR1 · 07/12/2019 06:17

I knew I only wanted 2 before they were conceived because of quality of life and finances. However after having 2 in 13 months I was doubly sure 2 was enough.

I miss babies in the house but in a "I wish a friend would have a baby so I can cuddle it" kind of way. Definitely not in a "I want to double my workload and kill my MH" kind of way.

MarleneandBoycie · 07/12/2019 06:21

I always knew I only wanted 2 children and when the second was born it really was a feeling of having a perfect family. Boy and girl less than 18 months apart, absolutely perfect.

SuddenArborealStop · 07/12/2019 06:23

About a minute into my second pregnancy, I suffer awfully through pregnancy and I'm not putting myself through it again. As it is everyone will have their own bedroom so seems like a sensible place to stop too.

BillywilliamV · 07/12/2019 06:26

DH had vasectomy when youngest was about a year old. I wanted to close that door completely and move on, I’d always have been thinking “maybe” and DH thought two was enough.

QuietCrotchgoblins · 07/12/2019 06:29

The experience of a newborn and toddler may do the job for you

I've never been massively broody, but used to feel an 'awww that would be nice' type sensation hearing about friends pregnancies and seeing newborns. Now it feels more of a 'thank God it's not me' feeling.

We have no practical back up from friends or family for childcare which can feel scary. I already feel stretched with 2 young children and a demanding job I can barely meet their emotional needs. In an ideal world the thought of 3rd or 4th is quite nice. The reality not so much.

twins2019 · 07/12/2019 06:34

I had my two DDs in my mid 20s they are
Now 9 & 11. I never felt done, DH did. We put off the discussion for a long time as work and life happens. I got to 35 and wham my hormones and ticking clock caught up with me. I was obsessive. Dh said what the hell and we ended up with twins! Definitely done. I do wonder if it'd have been a singleton would I have wanted one more...I think probably yes but after a truly shocking pregnancy (no joke in your mid 30s compared to barely slipping a beat in my 20s) I don't know if I could have gone through it!

fruityconfusedhotdog · 07/12/2019 07:10

Like a PP, I felt done when I got the positive test for DC3. All through the pregnancy was just delighted not to have to do it again.

However now she's here, I feel like maybe I'd like one more. My head says we're done, but my heart isn't convinced. DH agrees with my head, so I think we are done!

Lightkeeper · 07/12/2019 07:18

Not more than you can afford.
Not more than you have time for.
Your body is done.
Quality of time with each child should not deteriorate because another one came along. If you spread yourself thin... that’s a sign you had too many.

hazandduck · 07/12/2019 07:32

We always wanted 3 or 4, a fairly big family. Had DD and that didn’t change until she was over 1, mobile and just in to everything and we realised how easy a baby she’d been.

She’s just 2 now, and I’m due in less than 9 weeks with our second so close to you, OP, and pretty much from that positive test I have felt ‘done.’

This pregnancy has been so much harder and more exhausting than when I was pregnant with DD. Felt sick most of it, when not feeling sick, been exhausted, anaemic and had terrible sciatica, pgp and backache. I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant but I know I do not want to go through this again. I find early pregnancy extremely stressful due to previous miscarriages and knowing I never have to go through that anxiety again feels so freeing and nice.

DH has said he thinks I’ll get broody when the littlest starts school and I’ll be about 34-35...I insist I won’t but who knows? I used to feel jealous when people talked about trying for a baby or I heard someone was pregnant...but that feeling has completely gone now. I’m just excited for us to be a family of 4 and really enjoy life that way.

Blueberryblueberry · 07/12/2019 07:36

I really wanted 3, dh happy with two (and absolutely refused a third). It was hard when the youngest was a baby but now we are out of the baby stage, (and I've got rid of all the baby stuff), youngest will be starting school, and focussing on none-baby related things (hobbies, having some actual time to myself, enjoying sleeping through the night mostly) I definitely don't want to go back! I think it's about actively embracing the next stage.... (If you decide you're done)

Jodie77 · 07/12/2019 08:30

I can't think of anything that would make me want to have another baby. If somebody offered me a million pounds I would say no. If somebody offered me 20 million pounds I would say no. And I'm living below the bread line. I love my kids but cannot imagine putting my body through that again. Even the thought of it makes me whole body tense up. I'm just done.

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